That Stupid Kid
by xotakux2002x
Summary: Kakuzu wanted a normal life. The appearance of a certain teenager named Hidan is going to make that next to impossible. pairings later in the story
1. Prologue

By the time Kakuzu was being robbed at knifepoint, the mugging wasn't enough to bother him.

Today had been his first day on the job at one of Konoha's most respected banks, and while he hadn't been expecting his coworkers to share the same love of money as he did (or at least not to the same degree), he _had_ been hoping that they'd at least have some reverence for efficiency and hard work while on the job. But no, all of them except for his bosses Tsunade and Sarutobe had been doing their assigned duties with zero enthusiasm and as little effort as was possibly needed, all while looking to the clock every few seconds or so as though hoping it would miraculously skip ahead several hours and tell them it was five o' clock, and they were free to go home. Besides this, Tsunade had kept him after for nearly an hour to explain the proper procedure for locking down the facility after hours, right down to making sure the lights were off in the employee break room and that there were no expired leftovers in the fridge. It had been in the break room that the duo had come across a box half-full of glazed doughnuts, which she insisted the miser take home with him, seeing as he was a bachelor and probably didn't cook much. Kakuzu didn't argue with that statement, seeing as it was true, but really did not want to take home a dozen day-old doughnuts and have them sitting around in his kitchen for Kami knows how long before he finally decided to just throw them out. So really, after all that, being held up wasn't that big of a deal.

What did bother Kakuzu, however, was the fact that his mugger was a shrimpy teenager that was only about half his size, if that, a head shorter than the banker and didn't seem to know how to properly hold a knife, as he kept adjusting the blade in his hands. His silver hair was dirty and matted, pale skin just as badly in need of a wash and he couldn't have weighed more than a hundred pounds soaking wet. Probably some street kid. "Just hand over your money and I won't hurt you," the kid threatened.

It took all of Kakuzu's willpower not to laugh in the boy's face. "You do realize I could probably break you in half without trying," he stated, green eyes showing pure amusement with no traces of fear.

The teen looked his target up and down, starting with the insanely messy brown locks on top of Kakuzu's head and traveling all the way down the banker's toned, tanned body, magenta eyes lingering briefly on the scars Kakuzu sported on his arms and face. "Ok, how about half your money?"

It took Kakuzu a few seconds to formulate a reply. "Are you…bargaining the conditions of my mugging?"

"No shit, dumbass. Look, I don't want my face to get broken, you don't want your sorry ass to get cut up anymore, so just give me half of whatever the hell you got and we'll call it a day."

"What the…no."

"Ten bucks?"

"Absolutely not."

"Five bucks and a coupon to that shitty burger joint down the street?"

This was getting pathetic. Sighing angrily at having wasted so much time, Kakuzu thrust the doughnut box into the teen's arms, making him stumble backwards and drop the knife. "The hell?!"

"I'll be taking this," Kakuzu informed him as he scooped up the switchblade and pocketed it, "before you try to mug someone else and get arrested or killed. There are doughnuts in the box; at least you won't starve." Seeing that the boy wasn't going to reply, the banker walked off thinking to himself that this had been a very long day indeed, and he couldn't wait for it to be over.

-m-

When Kakuzu got off work the next day, he spotted the same teen by the same alleyway and mentally groaned to himself. Not this again. "Look kid, just because I didn't beat you to a pulp-"

"Got any more doughnuts?" the punk cut in.

Kakuzu was a bit taken aback by the kid's abruptness, but managed to say, "No," before walking on.

Much to his disappointment, the kid chose to adjust the backpack he was carrying on his shoulder and follow the miser. "What about sandwiches?"

"No."

"Salad?"

"I don't have any food, so beat it," Kakuzu hissed out.

The brat, however, was not to be deterred. "Well you're going to stop somewhere for dinner, right?"

"Look, what's it going to take to get you off my back?" Kakuzu finally demanded.

"A burger and fries ought to do it," the silver-haired teen shamelessly stated.

"Fine. But after that, you get the hell out of my sight. Got it?"

"As long as I get food first, dumbass." Kakuzu briefly wondered if he could get off on murder charges by pleading temporary insanity, but decided to let the idea drop.

Kakuzu eventually led the two into a greasy spoon coffee shop, and sat down at a booth in the back of the restaurant. He ordered the cheapest burger and fries combo on the menu, and got two glasses of water for them. "Why the hell am I spending my own money on some worthless punk," he wondered aloud as the waitress walked off to place their orders.

"Tch, don't act like such a martyr, dumbass," the teen snapped from across the table.

"My name is Kakuzu, you little brat, and why shouldn't I? I've been suckered into buying you food, and for what? Nothing."

"First, my name's Hidan, thanks for asking. Second, you're getting something out of this, asshole."

"Oh really? And what might that be?"

Hidan grinned from ear to ear. "The pleasure of my company!" Kakuzu would have told the younger male exactly what he thought of him and his company, but the waitress had returned with their orders. She'd barely even set down the plate before Hidan dove into the food, tearing it apart with animalistic hunger.

"Slow down or you'll just throw up," Kakuzu cautioned the boy, more worried about his money going to waste than whether or not the brat got sick.

"Shut the hell up," Hidan ordered through a mouthful of burger. "I haven't eaten since those doughnuts yesterday."

"So you're homeless then," Kakuzu stated. "Or do your parents just not feed you?"

"The hell do you care?" Hidan swallowed the burger and gulped down some of his water before tearing into his fries. "So, how'd your day go?"

"Why would I tell you that?"

Hidan rolled his eyes at the banker as though he was missing something blatantly obvious to the rest of the world. "I said you'd get my company in exchange for the Jashin-damned food, so tell me about your day. I'm pretty sure you don't talk to anyone else about it."

"And how the hell would you know that?" Kakuzu demanded.

"Hm, let's think. No wedding ring, you're not constantly checking your phone, so no significant other, you're the last person to leave the bank, so you're probably not close to anyone there, and oh yeah, you agreed to go out to eat with me, probably because you don't have anything fucking better to do. Now spill, or this meal really was a waste for you." Glowering at the teen's logic, Kakuzu decided he may as well indulge in the kid's request and told him the most generic aspects of his workplace, hoping to deter the brat's interest in his life.

Hidan eventually finished his meal and rose from the table, stretching his arms above his head and popping his back. "Man Kakuzu, your job sounds hella boring." Grinning, the silver-haired teen dropped his arms and shouldered his backpack. "Oh well. See ya tomorrow!" And with that he bolted from the diner before Kakuzu could tell him not to show up.


	2. Chapter 1

The next few days were probably the strangest time in Kakuzu's life up until that point. Every day, no matter how late he worked, Hidan always met him on the way home and insisted on walking the banker down to the subway station, where he was forced to turn away at the ticket stall. He didn't ask for food anymore, instead focusing solely on coaxing the miser into conversation, and no matter how dull or droll Kakuzu tried to make his life seem, the boy would always listen and insist on hearing more. It was disturbing, really; a full-grown adult fresh out of college spilling his guts to this kid, who probably wasn't a day over fifteen. What was really disturbing, though, was how quickly he adjusted to the situation and accepted it as normal in his own mind. "Things were fine until noon, when everyone took off for lunch. Even Tsunade! I had to spend the whole hour-"

"Why don't you ever take lunch off?" Hidan interrupted.

"Because wasted time is wasted money. Now as I-"

"That's a stupid ass reason. You never eat breakfast, you won't eat lunch; how the hell are you still alive?"

"Unlike some people, Hidan, I don't have a bottomless void for a stomach." Hidan's belly chose to rumble at that exact moment, making Kakuzu smirk victoriously. "Case in point."

"Not my fault I missed lunch today," Hidan pouted.

"But while we're on the subject-"

"Doughnuts!" Hidan cried out as he saw the contents of the box Kakuzu had been carrying under his arm. The banker barely had time to hand the confectionaries over before the teen was digging into them with fervor, not caring that he looked rather like a wild dog tearing apart some poor creature. "Thanks dumbass!"

Kakuzu shrugged. "It's not like I was going to eat them. Tossing them out would have been a waste of money. The benefit of you being fed is purely secondary to that."

"Uh-huh. Hey dumbass, know what would go great with these?"

"For the fifth time today, it's Kakuzu."

"Coffee!" In the blink of an eye Hidan had tucked the box of doughnuts under his arm and grabbed Kakuzu's arm with his other hand. "C'mon, there's a café up the street that's cheap enough for you."

"Hidan-"

"Quit acting like you've got a choice and move your cheap ass!" After concluding that the teen was going to keep tugging on his arm all night until he relented, Kakuzu finally gave in and allowed the silver-haired boy to lead the way.

Sure enough, the duo soon came upon a hole in the wall establishment that had clearly seen better days. The paint was peeling off the shutters and door, and the only security seemed to be the burly shop owner sitting behind the counter next to the exit. Despite its dingy exterior, the inside of the building smelled sweetly of fresh coffee grounds and chocolate, and a few patrons were talking lowly around the tables scattered about the shop. All in all, it was rather homey.

The woman that took their orders was a plump, middle aged brunette, probably married to the burly man working at the other end of the shop. Kakuzu ordered decaf, and was somewhat surprised when Hidan ordered water but received a cup of hot chocolate instead. Following the teen's lead, the two went outside and sat on the edge of the sidewalk, the box of doughnuts set between the two of them though Hidan was the only one eating. "She's really nice," the teen commented after a sip of his beverage. "The old geezer's a total ass, but she's not too bad."

"Can you blame him? He probably thinks you're going to rob the place."

At this point, Hidan caught the banker completely off guard by slugging Kakuzu's upper arm. "I don't steal from people, jackass! I've never stolen anything! I don't steal or do drugs or any of that other shit you're thinking, so just shut the hell up!"

"I never said that!" Kakuzu argued as he rubbed his bruising arm. "Damn kid, that hurt."

"You inferred it," Hidan shot back, grumbling as he ripped apart another doughnut with a bit more force than necessary. "Look, it's not my fault that I'm broke and look like this, so don't go around saying stupid shit like that. Pisses me off."

"Never would have guessed," Kakuzu sarcastically replied. "I was just saying that all he sees is some homeless kid who needs a shower and probably doesn't have any money for food."

"I do not need a shower," Hidan immediately stated, though he looked uncertain as he raised his arm and sniffed himself. His cheeks turned a light green as he let the limb fall. "Ok, maybe I do."

"So bathe."

"Oh yeah, Kakuzu, I'll just waltz right home and take a nice hot shower in the family bathroom. Hey, maybe mom will have made a nice meal for me while I was out, and dad'll be there to help me with my homework!"

"What's your problem?" Kakuzu demanded.

"You." Hidan rose from his seat and threw the empty cup in the general direction of a trashcan, where it bounced off the rim and clattered into the gutter. "Just throw out the Jashin-damned doughnuts. I lost my appetite." By the time Kakuzu was on his feet and attempting to reason with the teen, Hidan had already disappeared down one of Konoha's countless alleyways.

-m-

Hidan didn't show up to see Kakuzu for over a week. The miser was willing to let the first few days slide; the kid had been ticked off when he left the previous night, and teens usually liked to stew in their rage for a while. After five days, though, Kakuzu was beginning to grow anxious, and at the end of day seven he actually bothered looking for the brat. He wasn't sure what areas of town Hidan stayed in when he wasn't stalking the banker, so he only went as far as the restaurant where he'd taken the kid to eat and the little café. Although he didn't have any luck, he asked the plump woman behind the counter to ask Hidan to swing by the bank if she saw him.

The next day was a Sunday, so the miser didn't go into work, but the following afternoon found a rather grouchy Hidan leaning against the wall of the bank, waiting patiently for the miser to exit. "Sonya told me you were looking for me," he explained. "Well here I am, fine as fuck. Can I go now?"

Kakuzu's mouth tightened into a thin line. Apparently the brat was still upset over their fight. "I was hoping to apologize first."

"Then hurry up, dumbass."

Kakuzu resisted the urge to smack Hidan across the face; he was here to say sorry, not cause more problems. "Hidan, I didn't mean to upset you. If I'd known you were going to flip out, I wouldn't have said it." The teen scoffed at this, causing Kakuzu to finally hit his boiling point. "Look, what the hell do you want me to say?!"

Hidan seemed to turn this question over in his head a few minutes before settling on an answer. "Admit you're a heathen dumbass."

"…Why do you-"

"Do it, or I'll hate you for the rest of my life. And make yours a living hell. I'm pretty good at that last part, by the way."

Not for the last time, Kakuzu wondered how the hell he'd managed to get himself into this situation. "Fine. I am a heathen dumbass."

As soon as the words left Kakuzu's mouth, Hidan broke into an ear to ear grin. "Holy Jashin, I can't believe I got you to say that!"

"What the-you were faking being mad?!"

"Duh! If I stayed mad at you, how the hell was I supposed to get free doughnuts?" Hidan then proceeded to laugh mirthfully at Kakuzu as the banker sputtered indignantly at him. "Oh Jashin, I wish I'd recorded that!"

"Stupid kid," Kakuzu growled as he massaged his temples, which were aching more and more with each passing second. Why had he wanted the brat back again?

"Aw, cheer up dumbass!" Hidan's laughs slowly died down into a few chuckles, and his expression altered ever so slightly to be more serious. "Hey, sorry for flipping the fuck out on you for the shower thing. It just bugs me when people act like I'm supposed to be able to do all this normal shit and I can't."

"Why can't you just go downtown to a homeless shelter or something?"

Hidan looked horrified. "And expose all this (here he motioned up and down at his body) to a bunch of heathen rapists!? No thanks, if it's between smelling like shit or getting syphilis, I'll stink. Besides, I sat out in the rain a few nights ago. I think it helped a little."

"You smell like mildew and look like a drowned rat."

"Fine then asshole, you think of something!"

-m-

Kakuzu stretched himself out across his sofa and glared up at the ceiling, as though doing so would somehow manage to make all of his problems disappear. It's like they said; when things go downhill, they tend to get worse faster the farther downhill you went. He started out with an annoying teenage stalker conning him out of food. Then he pissed off the stalker and had to publicly humiliate himself to get him back into the stalker's good graces. Next he managed to enrage the stalker again, and the only way he could think to save himself the headache of another week alone was to offer his own shower to Hidan. Meaning that now, he was home alone with an underage naked boy in his shower. He was pretty sure people had been sent to jail for less.

The trip back to their apartment had been nerve-wracking, as he had no idea what he'd say should anybody ask him about Hidan's presence ("Don't worry, I'll just tell them you're soliciting my cute lil' ass for sex!"). A withering glare quickly shut up Hidan's suggestion, and fortunately the duo made it back to Kakuzu's place without anyone seeing them, or asking questions if they had seen anything. At the banker's orders, Hidan had immediately dumped out his spare change of clothes in the laundry room, and after entering the bathroom tossed his current outfit outside the door. Kakuzu was fairly certain a hazmat team would have condemned the articles of clothing on the spot, but decided to at least try to wash the caked on grime and stench out of the items (albeit with about twice as much laundry detergent as was necessary for a load that size). After that he'd heated a can of condensed soup for himself, deciding to wait and see what Hidan wanted when the kid got out of the bath. The miser's ears perked up when he realized the sound of running water had ceased. Speak of the devil; Hidan must be getting out of the shower now.

It was a few more minutes before Hidan finally emerged from the bathroom and reentered the living room, and when he approached Kakuzu received several shocks in a brief span of time. First, he'd suspected that although Hidan's hair appeared to be a dark gray, it was probably just a very light blond shade that dirtied easily in the life of a street kid. As it turned out, the teen's hair was a beautiful shade of silver; not gray, but actual silver like you'd see in antique plates and dishware. The second surprise was that the brat was rather pale. His skin wasn't porcelain white or anything, but compared side by side with Kakuzu's own complexion, Hidan was practically anemic. The final surprise was something Kakuzu really should have seen coming, but hadn't thought about ahead of time. Hidan obviously hadn't taken any clothes with him into the bathroom, and Kakuzu had failed to provide his guest with anything to wear once he finished bathing. That meant that of course Hidan didn't have any clothes at the moment, and thus was wandering around the miser's apartment in nothing but a towel that barely covered his thighs and some pendant that hung around his neck.

Kakuzu, being a responsible adult that did not want anyone to have reason to label him a pedophile, naturally slapped a hand over his eyes and prayed to whatever higher powers may be that this wouldn't be held against him come judgment day. "Oh grow up!" Hidan snapped from across the room. "I'm pretty damn sure anything I've got you've seen before!"

"Please never say those words again," Kakuzu groaned as he sank down on the couch. "Your clothes are still in the dryer. There should be a spare change of pajamas in my room that are too small for me-"

"Whoa, back up. Since when am I spending the night at your place? This ain't exactly Shangri-La, dumbass."

"It started pouring down about ten minutes ago," Kakuzu said as he motioned towards where he hoped the window was, since he still refused to remove his hand from his face. "So you're staying here for now, unless you'd like to perfect your impersonation of a drowned rat, in which case feel free to walk out."

Hidan swore in exceptionally colorful fashion and then began to stomp off down the hall. "Bedroom's first door on the right," Kakuzu called after him.

"No shit!"

Hidan was back a few minutes later, bare feet thudding softly across the faded carpet in the living room. "You can open your eyes now, honey," he cooed in a sickly sweet voice as he sat down in what Kakuzu could only assume was the room's only armchair. "I promise I'm decent."

Kakuzu told Hidan exactly where the brat could go, and then finally lowered his hand to its original resting place by his side. He noted with a mild amount of satisfaction that his old clothes did in fact fit the kid; sure, the articles in question were definitely oversized for Hidan's small figure, but not so badly that it came off as comical, and the silver-haired kid had already taken care of the length problem by rolling the sleeves and pant legs up. "Hey, toss me my backpack," he ordered from his seat. Kakuzu raised a brow at the kid's impudence, but rather than ask again Hidan just sighed and rose to his feet. "Fine jackass, I'll get it myself."

Hidan situated himself on the opposite end of the couch from Kakuzu with the bag tucked close by his feet. It appeared that he'd decided to ignore the miser as he rummaged around in his bag, finally extracting a weathered paperback book with an even more beat up bookmark sticking out from two-thirds of the way in. "You keep books in that thing?"

"Well give the cocksucker a gold star, he figured out that people keep books in book bags!" The humor was lost on Kakuzu as he narrowed his eyes and curtly informed Hidan that he was going to check on the teen's laundry to see if it was done.

The banker stayed in the kitchen for a good fifteen minutes, trying to calm himself down and remind himself that even though the brat seemed to be doing everything in his power to piss off the banker, he was above doing something as cruel as throwing the brat outside when it was raining cats and dogs with no signs of letting up before morning. After one last deep, cleansing breath, the miser walked back into the living room.

Hidan had stretched himself out in Kakuzu's absence, and the miser temporarily marveled at the fact that someone as small as Hidan could somehow arrange his body to take up an entire full-sized couch. The male was quietly reading the pages of his book, backpack perched on the middle of his stomach. Upon hearing the banker approach, however, Hidan had the courtesy to put his book down and address the man face to face. "Oi, Kakuzu."

"What now?"

Hidan looked away from the older man, fingers playing with the fringe of his bag. "I know you didn't have to let me in, and keeping my stuff dry is a bitch when the weather gets shitty like this, so…you know…sorry if I'm being a brat."

"…It's fine." Kakuzu seemed to think to himself for a moment, before crossing the room and none too gently smacking Hidan upside the head.

"OW! The hell was that for?!"

"Disappearing on me for a week," Kakuzu stated matter-of-factly. "Don't do it again. And Hidan?"

"What now?" the teen muttered as he rubbed his aching head.

Every ounce of common sense left in him told Kakuzu he shouldn't be making this offer, but some unnamed force within him drove him to continue speaking. "Just so you know, if the weather gets bad like this again, or you just need somewhere to stay for a while…my door's open. Provided I'm here and you don't break anything."

Hidan stared at the banker for several excruciatingly long minutes, before nodding his head once and turning back to his book. "Cool."


	3. Chapter 2

Over the course of the next two months, Kakuzu was pleased to say Hidan didn't take advantage of his hospitality. He'd only been back by the miser's apartment three or four nights, and only due to inclement weather. He usually just sat and read on the couch, (though during the last visit he'd dared to venture into the kitchen to make himself a snack), and left in the morning when Kakuzu went to work. Truth be told, Kakuzu was beginning to enjoy Hidan's late night visits; the apartment had been rather lonely, and as annoying as the stupid kid could be at times, he was the closest thing Kakuzu had had to a friend in a good while.

At the moment, Hidan was leaning against the brick wall of the bank as he waited for Kakuzu to get out of work. "There you are, dumbass," he growled out when the banker finally emerged from the building. "You know how fucking long I've been waiting out here?"

"Do I care?" the banker asked, resisting the urge to smirk. He was beginning to figure out what things to say to either annoy the teen or calm him down, and had found that he rather enjoyed teasing the younger male, if only because his reactions were a good form of comic relief for Kakuzu after a hard day at work.

"Kakuzu, my boy!" a new voice called out from behind them.

Approximately .01 seconds later, Kakuzu felt his stomach turn inside out before sinking down into his loafers. "Shit, that's my boss," he whispered to Hidan.

Mr. Sarutobi was the head honcho of the Federal Bank of Konoha, and put in layman's terms was Tsunade's boss, making him Kakuzu's boss' boss. He'd been the one to interview the miser for his job, and as such had been keeping a particularly close eye on Kakuzu during his training. Normally the man clocked out ages before the miser even thought of leaving work, so something big must have kept him after today. Kakuzu couldn't just ignore his employer, meaning that he had about five seconds to come up with a good reason as to why he was fraternizing with a kid who was still in high school, and definitely not related to him by any stretch of the imagination. Unless the old man didn't notice Hidan-"Kakuzu, who's your friend?"-well, there went that idea.

"He's my big brother," Hidan lied to the bank manager.

As Kakuzu mentally said farewell to his career, Sarutobi frowned down at the silver-haired teen, as though looking at the boy long enough would allow him to confirm that Hidan was lying. "Forgive me for saying so, son, but you two look absolutely nothing alike. I sincerely doubt you're related to my employee."

"We're not _brothers_ brothers," Hidan corrected, still lying with reckless abandon. "He volunteers down at the Big Brother, Big Sister program they host at the shelter down the street. He got assigned to me, but he's always tired from work when he sees me, which kinda sucks. Think you could let him off earlier so he's not so grouchy?"

_"Dear god, Hidan, how much deeper are you going to dig your grave?"_ Kakuzu thought.

To his immense shock and relief, though, Sarutobi merely laughed at the teen's story and smiled down at him. "I'll see what I can do, all right?" He then turned his attention back to the miser, smile still on his face. "Kakuzu, shame on you for not telling me about this! I had no idea you were working full-time and volunteering!"

"I didn't want to mention it," Kakuzu muttered pathetically in explanation.

"Nonsense! Why, your senior employees who are always complaining about having nothing to do could learn a thing or two from you! Back in my day…"

Sarutobi continued to talk with the duo for a few more minutes, before his limo pulled up to the curb. "Ah, there he is. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got to freshen up for a charity ball. Take care you two!" A quick wave, a few steps to the vehicle, and he was gone from sight.

Kakuzu breathed an enormous sigh of relief, while Hidan merely laughed. "Damn, haven't had that much fun in forever." He cast the banker a sideways glance, Cheshire grin spreading across his face as he did so. "You owe me big time, dumbass."

"What do you want?"

"You have to get me some birthday presents."

"How do I know it's really you're birthday?"

"You don't. Then again, you also don't know if I'm gonna run off and tell the old geezer the truth about us…"

"That's blackmail."

"Hell yeah it is. Now, let me see…it's my birthday, so that's one gift, I covered for you in front of your dumbass boss, so that's two there, I made you look good so add another two, didn't swear even though I fucking wanted to, so there's one, and oh yeah, that shitty beef surprise or whatever the hell it was I ate last night gave me food poisoning, so add one more. Which brings us to…"

"Seven," Kakuzu immediately responded.

"Seven whole presents for me? Aw, you shouldn't have!" Still trying to figure out exactly what the hell was going on, Kakuzu allowed himself to be dragged down the street by the most eccentric teenager he'd ever had the misfortune to know and wondered briefly what he could have possibly done in a past life to deserve this.

His shock barely had time to dissipate before Hidan dragged him into, of all places, a book store. Kakuzu actually found himself walking back outside and looking up at the shop's sign to make sure his eyes hadn't deceived him. "Dumbass, get in here!" Hidan yelled out. "You're the one who's paying for everything!"

"Well well, if it ain't the little whippersnapper who always comes in here and never pays," a wrinkled old man from behind the counter called out. "This is a store, not a library!"

"Well well, if it ain't the old fart who refuses to fucking drop dead already," Hidan short back with a sneer. "Good to see you're still as wrinkled and smelly as ever."

"Why you hooligan! Back in my day, we didn't talk to our elders that way-"

"That's because you didn't have any elders because you're older than Adam, stupid bastard," Hidan mumbled under his breath.

The old man let out a howl of indignation, and his face was turning so red Kakuzu began to fear that his heart might give out. "This is private property, sonny! Give me one good reason not to toss you out on your ass right now."

"Aside from the fact that our arguments are the only thing keeping you going?"

"Yes!"

"Well, this dumbass here (Hidan jabbed a thumb towards Kakuzu) is going to pay for me, and you're too damn old to turn away money because of some shitty thing like principles."

"…Just get your things and bugger off." Hidan grinned victoriously and then darted off into the nether regions of the shop.

"So, he actually comes here on a regular basis?" Kakuzu asked the shopkeeper. He may have (unwillingly) agreed to pay for Hidan's things, but that didn't mean he had to accompany the teen up and down the store's bookshelves as he made his selections.

The old man nodded his head once and began cleaning off his register with a slightly dirtied rag. "Just about every day, sunup until late afternoon, and he never pays for a damn thing. Only books he's got are the crappy old ones I was about to toss out since no one bought 'em."

"Hidan. Reading books for hours on end. You aren't by any chance senile, are you?"

"Oh go ahead and laugh, why don't ya?" the book dealer snapped at the miser. "Everyone else does. But mark my words, that little brat's actually intelligent, when he's not harassing hard working folks like you and me!"

"Done!" Hidan called out as he scurried back to the front of the store.

As the man began ringing up the items, Kakuzu did a quick count and noticed something amiss. "You only got six."

"You own me seven gifts. Give me back my Jashin-damned knife."

"How old are you?"

"Sixteen. The hell's it matter?"

"Knives are for adults. You can have it back when you turn eighteen."

"What the hell, man?! It's not even yours!" Hidan lunged at the banker but was easily kept at arm's length by one of Kakuzu's muscular arms holding him back. "Damn it, it won't kill you to just give it back to me!"

"Hidan, you're an idiot in fights. If you're going to get yourself killed, you have to wait to do something stupid until you're a legal adult like the rest of us. Now go pick out another book or something." The boy was fuming by now but finally stomped off with a muttered "Fine."

While the teenager was off angsting or whatever it was young people did these days, Kakuzu took a moment to browse over the teen's selections. He didn't recognize most of the titles, but remembered reading the other two, Hamlet and Brave New World, during his time in high school. "He reads this?" he wondered aloud.

"I told you, that boy is smart! He just prefers being a smartass most of the time. Little shit."

"Back," Hidan called out again, and although he appeared to be outwardly mad at the banker, he still treated his books with a touch of reverence and seemed to be reigning in his rage, lest the banker retract his "offer" of the presents. "There. Happy, you Jashin-damned asshole?"

"Oh! That reminds me…" here the shopkeeper paused in mid-purchase and bent down under the countertop, rummaging around for something. "Where is it…where the hell did I-aha!" The man stood upright again holding a brown, hardback book that looked almost as old as he was. "Some lady brought this in a few days back. Told me she used to research cults back in hers days as a college professor. Must not've paid too well if she was selling off her research material…anyway, this book reads like a guide to Jashinists. Want it?"

Hidan looked like someone had offered him a solid gold house. "Hell yeah! Just gimme a sec to figure out which one I'll put back-"

"Just take the damn thing." And with that, the old man all but thrust the book into Hidan's eager arms. "Not like anyone ever comes here looking for research books, never mind ones about psycho cults."

"Thanks old man! I might not pray for your death tonight."

"How about you just find something better to do than loiter around my shop all day."


	4. Chapter 3

"So, you're a Jashinist?"

Hidan peered over the cover of his book and shot Kakuzu an annoyed look, being rather perturbed that the miser would dare to interrupt him while he was enjoying his presents. "Duh. What the hell did you think my rosary was for?"

Kakuzu eyed the necklace Hidan had fished out from under his shirt, remembering that the silver-haired teen had been wearing it the first night he'd stayed over with the miser. "I assumed it was something you wore for the sake of wearing it."

"What, like those douche-face wannabe gangsters?" Hidan inquired with a note of disbelief. "C'mon, I'm not that much a dick."

"I beg to differ."

"Look, dumbass, it's a Jashinist rosary, I'm a Jashinist, and if that's a problem you can go to hell. Clear?"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes at the teen's rant. "Like I care what religion you are."

Hidan nodded and sat up from his resting place on the couch in order to pack his books away. The rant had gotten him hyped up, and now he probably was going to leave for a while, if not the whole night, to find some way of burning off his excess energy. "Oi, dumbass."

"Stop calling me that."

"Stop responding to it," Hidan shot back. His bag was packed and ready to go, and the Jashinist had already slung one strap over his shoulder. He seemed hesitant to adjust the other strap and leave, and was currently smoothing out the excess material dangling from where the strap of the bag tightened. "Sorry about fucking around with you earlier. You didn't have to get me anything, so you actually spending some of your damn money on me was pretty cool."

Kakuzu was momentarily surprised at how quickly Hidan had shifted from cocky and assertive to quiet and borderline polite. "Don't mention it."

"Done and done!" In the blink of an eye Hidan was on his feet and heading for the door. "Dunno about you, but that was getting way too fucking sentimental for me. See ya dumbass!" A few seconds later the door to the apartment opened and closed, indicating that the teen had finally gone.

Kakuzu took this brief moment of peace and quiet to flop down in his chair and look questioningly at the heavens. "I never killed anyone. I never lied on my tax return forms. The only kid I ever beat up had it coming. Mind explaining why the hell you're doing this to me?" Silence was the only answer.

-m-

Tsunade drummed her fingers on the oak surface of her teller window. It was around two o'clock in the afternoon, meaning that most people had already gone back to work after their lunch breaks, and most stay at home moms were living up to their title and staying at home for their kids' naptimes. It would be another hour before the schools let out and high schoolers would come in to deposit their paychecks, and the talk show playing on the TV in the lobby really did nothing to hold her interest. Occasionally there would be an interesting issue to discuss, but at the moment the host appeared to be covering people who went into depression after the death of their pets. Interesting in a morbid sense, but not something the blonde was dying to learn about.

Tsunade sighed and lowered her head into her folded arms, fingers still drumming on the wood. What was she supposed to do now? "Please stop that."

The woman looked up to see her underling, Kakuzu, standing in the window next to her and counting the money in his till for what had to be the fiftieth time that day. He appeared just as bored as she was, if a bit more stressed. "Sorry," she apologized as she stood back up, the tapping ceasing as she did so. "It's just so unbelievably boring around this time of day."

"Nothing wrong with that."

"Hey, are you ok? You look like you haven't slept in ages. And like you'll pop a blood vessel any second." Kakuzu did not reply, but chose that moment to return to counting his money, albeit with a bit more force than he'd been using previously when going through the bills. "This doesn't have anything to do with your little brother, does it?"

"Please don't call him that," the man begged with a tired groan. "Someone might think I'm related to the brat."

Tsunade smirked triumphantly. "I knew it! Spill, I want all the juicy details!"

"Is that really necessary?"

"No, but disobeying the direct orders of your boss might make it necessary for me to dock your pay, if you get my drift."

Wondering why everyone in the world had suddenly decided to play a rousing game of blackmail Kakuzu, the banker relented and began to tell his woes to the blonde. "Hidan is, without a doubt, the dumbest genius I have ever met."

Tsunade raised a brow at the statement. "You're going to have to elaborate on that."

"A while back, he was reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. When I asked him if he liked it, he said the political undertones annoyed him."

"But I don't remember any-"

"Neither did I, and when I pointed this out to him, he informed me that Captain Nemo is a clear metaphor for the practice of isolationism, whereas the three sailors he takes aboard clearly represent different countries and their governments, who press their ideas on other nations with a varying degree of success depending on their levels and methods of assertion. He then went on to say that Nemo also represents the futility of isolationism, as the only way it could work was if he was able to constantly move his domain about and even then the outside world contacted him through Ned, Conseil, and Pierre. Finally, the maelstrom at the end exhibits how the isolationist, Nemo, is eventually swallowed up and destroyed by mighty forces beyond his control, which could be interpreted as the global market, whereas the countries that interact with one another (the three sailors) survive."

Tsunade blinked up at the banker for a good minute, trying to process what she'd just heard. "How old is this kid?"

"Sixteen."

"That's a college level thesis."

"I know. And then he burnt down the kitchen."

"What?!"

"Apparently no one ever bothered to tell him to take soup out of the can before you heat it up in a microwave, or at least open it," the miser hissed as he slammed the till shut. "First the can exploded, and then the wrapper caught fire and started sparking. He panicked and threw water on it! Water! On an electric fire!"

"Holy hell," Tsunade breathed.

"The whole kitchen was ruined, but the landlord would have let me stay if Hidan hadn't told him what a whore his mother was in several colorful phrases. I'm lucky he gave me two weeks to find somewhere else to move my stuff. So now, I'm staying in the roach motel down the street until I can find a new apartment. Preferably one more fireproof than the last one."

"…You're sure this kid doesn't have an identical twin or something?"

"Don't even suggest that," Kakuzu immediately replied. "It's bad enough that there's one of him. He has no manners, no common sense, and an IQ higher than mine. It's like Einstein had a baby with a sponge cake."

"What was he even doing in your kitchen anyway?" Tsunade inquired.

"Hell if I know," Kakuzu growled out. The truth was, though, that although the banker wasn't sure of Hidan's exact reasons, he had a pretty good idea of why the Jashinist had been in his kitchen. Ever since his birthday, Hidan had been coming over to the miser's apartment more and more often, and nine times out of ten if he showed up, he would spend the night on Kakuzu's couch. In return, he'd begun to dabble in the fine art of housework; small things, like tidying up the living room or throwing a load of laundry in the wash while he was over. The fire had more than likely been caused by Hidan's desire to make dinner for the two of them, with catastrophic results. Then again, what did he know? The brat had set his home on fire, cussed out the landlord, and then vanished without a trace. That was over a week ago, and he was beginning to doubt the kid would ever resurface. He hadn't bothered to go looking this time; thinking of the incident was still enough to make him see red, so if Hidan wanted to see Kakuzu again, he could damn well come back on his own this time.

A firm hand clapping him on the shoulder brought Kakuzu back to the present. "Kakuzu, what say you and me go out on the town tonight."

The banker quirked a brow at her. "I really don't think-"

"C'mon, a charity case kid barged into your home and burned the place to the ground, you're stuck in a roach motel, and to top it all off, you and I probably have the most boring jobs in the world. If that isn't grounds for heavy drinking, I don't know what is."

"He's not a charity case," was all Kakuzu could answer.

"Sorry, poor choice of words. Wait a minute, I get it! You're afraid to go out with me because you know I'll drink you under the table!"

"Hardly," Kakuzu responded, a flat look on his face matching the flat tone of his voice.

"Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of! You're not the first man to chicken out on me; my reputation does precede me, after all. I won't think any less of you if you want to admit defeat now, and I'm sure it's easier on your delicate male ego than losing outright to me."

"You're not going to let this drop until I agree, are you?"

"Not a chance in hell." The blonde smirked, seeing her underling waver slightly. "Tell you what. I'll even pay."

The miser sighed. He didn't have anything better to do that night, this had been a terrible week, and tomorrow was Sunday, so he wouldn't have to go in to work… "All right."

-m-

Kakuzu awoke the next morning to the feeling of somebody splitting open his skull with a jackhammer while someone else dropped several high-grade explosives outside his door. It took him a few seconds to realize the jackhammer was the mother of all hangovers, and the bombs were actually someone beating down the door to his room. "Oi, dumbass!"

The banker groaned to himself; it was too early and he was too hung-over to deal with Hidan right now. However, a few more minutes of knocking revealed that the silver-haired teen had no intention of going anywhere, and with a reluctant sigh Kakuzu admitted defeat. He'd have to talk with the kid. "Hold on," he called out as loudly as he dared to, but even his soft tone made the headache worse.

The miser managed to sit up with relative ease; as he stood, though, the urge to vomit nearly overwhelmed him. _"Note to self; never go drinking with Tsunade again."_ After a short amount of time, though, he was able to haul himself to the door and open it. "How did you find me?" he demanded as soon as he saw the teen.

"Dude, you look like shit. The hell happened?"

"Never go drinking with older women," Kakuzu sagely responded. He was hoping the brat would hurry up and get on with whatever he needed; the sun was entirely too bright for his liking, and the banker wanted nothing more right now than to crawl back into bed and stay there for at least the next ten years, mysterious stains and smells be damned.

Hidan gave the miser an inquiring look, but chose not to press the matter further. "Whatever. I need your help moving the furniture!"

"What furniture?"

"Yours, dumbass!"

Kakuzu was a bit confused now, and he was pretty sure the alcohol didn't have anything to do with it. "Why are we moving my furniture?"

Hidan was now looking at Kakuzu like the man was an absolute moron. "Because your new place is gonna look really damn weird without it. Now hurry up! I already moved all the light stuff, and I need your sorry ass to get the rest. Except you're so fucking messed up right now I might be better on my own…"

Scratch that previous thought, Kakuzu had to still be drunk. There was no other explanation for what was happening right now. "What the…when did…how did…inside, and explain. NOW."

Hidan obeyed the command with only a tiny amount of arguing (even he could see the banker was in no mood for this), and seated himself on the bed as Kakuzu downed a glass of water and what was probably half a bottle of Advil. "Ok. I burned down your place and felt bad about it, so I figured, what the hell, I don't have anything better to do, and old man Methuselah at the shop told me to get out more, so I'll find you a new place. It took me for fucking ever to finally find somewhere that's cheap enough for you but not too shitty, and trying to negotiate with the landlord was annoying as hell. Seriously, the guy immigrated from Ass Crack, Nowhere and still has the damn accent! And he wanted you to be there and sign everything, but I couldn't find you after work last night (since apparently you were out getting drunk off your ass with some bitch), so I had to do it myself and slip him a little extra besides the safety deposit. Then I got most of the stuff moved in, but I can't carry the damn furniture, so I went after you. Now show some damn gratitude, dumbass."

Kakuzu was, for the first time in his life, truly and utterly speechless. So that's what Hidan had been doing all week? Looking around town, apartment hunting for him? It would have been touching, were it not for the fact that Hidan had basically signed him into a lease contract at some place he'd never seen. "You couldn't have waited until you found me to sign?"

"Hell no! There was this old cat lady that wanted the room too, and she was creepy as hell! Seriously, the bitch had this gross stringy hair that tried to strangle me, her fucking cat wouldn't stop hissing at me, and her dress smelled like piss!"

Hidan's argument did little to inspire Kakuzu's faith in the building's clientele. Still, it sounded like the kid had gone through a lot to get him the place, and he had too much of a headache to argue much further. Deciding to just go with it, Kakuzu agreed to follow Hidan first to the new apartment to see it, and then to the old place to pick up his stuff if he like it, provided that Hidan would first run down to the nearest general store and get a cheap pair of sunglasses for the miser. If Kakuzu was going to face the world with a hangover, he was at least going to try and make it bearable.

-m-

As it turned out, Hidan's pick wasn't as horrible as Kakuzu thought it might be. The building was an old five story brick number that had probably been built around the turn of the century, and while it wasn't as nice as his old place, it was more than a few steps up from the motel he'd been staying in, not to mention it was a good three blocks closer to the bank than his former residence. The floor space was relatively close to his last place, though if he had to guess he'd say this apartment was a bit smaller. "Does it meet your oh so high standards?" Hidan asked from where he was leaning against the doorway, though his bravado wasn't able to completely disguise the nervous tone in his voice.

Kakuzu gave the living room a final onceover and nodded. "I suppose you did something right for once."

"The hell kind of answer is that?! You asshole, you should be thanking me! I busted my ass trying to find some place, and all you can come up with is that shit?!"

"All right, all right, thank you," Kakuzu grumbled as he massaged his temples. "Not so loud."

Hidan humph'ed and walked out the door. "Most of your crap's in the bedroom already. Let's go get the rest."

If you would have stopped Kakuzu at some point during the day and asked him why in heaven's name was he carrying his household furnishings ten blocks from his former home to a new apartment purchased by a sixteen-year-old hooligan that he'd barely known for six months, he would have been as confused as you. The most plausible answer was that he was tired, his head ached, and above all he'd come to accept that if Hidan was involved, crazy shit was bound to happen, so you might as well make peace with this fundamental principle and just go with it. It took them three hours to move everything, because although the miser had relatively little in the way of home furnishings, moving large bulky items while hung-over is by no means an easy task, and Hidan was fairly exhausted after having moved everything else on his own. And so it was with much relief and joy that they finally set down Kakuzu's mattress in his new room. "About damn time," Hidan declared before flopping down face first into the bed.

"How exactly did you convince my old landlord to let you into my apartment?" Kakuzu asked. He was starting to feel better now, and was up to asking more questions regarding the circumstances of his new home.

The Jashinist scoffed into the bed and turned his head slightly so one eye was now looking up at the miser. "You kidding? The bastard practically broke down the door after I told him he'd never be seeing us again."

Considering how their last conversation had gone, that sounded about right to the miser. Now for more important matters. "Where did you get the money for a security deposit, plus the bribe?" Hidan looked significantly less cocky after hearing the question, and suddenly found a loose stitch on the mattress to be far more interesting than his friend as he mumbled something. "What was that?"

"I got a fucking job, ok?" Hidan snapped. "Last week, at the coffee shop I took you to. Would've told you at dinner, but the damn kitchen caught on fire."

Kakuzu was surprised at the news; so, Hidan had been balancing a job and apartment hunting? That was more than the miser could do. Still, it didn't completely answer his question. "You made enough money for a security deposit in one week, making lattes and espresso?" he asked with heavy disbelief in his tone. Hidan mumbled something else into the mattress that sounded suspiciously like, "pawned some stuff," so Kakuzu decided to let the matter drop and just reimburse the kid when the bank opened back up the next day. For now, he needed a break.

Hidan let out an undignified shriek as Kakuzu climbed onto the unmade bed and roughly booted the younger male off it. "My bed. You want to sleep, go to the couch."

"Tch, asshole," Hidan shot back as he climbed to his feet and began exiting the room.

"Hidan."

The Jashinist turned around in the doorway to stare at the miser, who looked slightly less miserable now that he was back in bed. "If you want to come over some nights, same rules still apply."

Hidan gaped at the miser for all of two seconds before bolting to the side of the bed, eager to make sure he'd heard right. "Seriously!? You're still letting me stay here after all the shit that's happened?!"

The banker shrugged. "Why not? If you burn this place down, I know you'll just get another."

Hidan blinked at his friend for a few moments and then burst out laughing. "Damn it, Kakuzu, you're crazier than me!"

The banker would have agreed, but it had been a very long day considering it wasn't even two o'clock yet, and he was desperate to go back to sleep before anything else could happen. With a sigh, the man closed his eyes and drifted off, praying that when he awoke, his life would bear some semblance to normalcy.


	5. Chapter 4

Apparently Hidan had misunderstood Kakuzu's invitation to stay over. Rather than pop in two or three times a week as he'd been accustomed to doing, Hidan was outright living in the miser's apartment. He slept on the sofa and kept his things nearby, rarely left the apartment except for work, and overall clung to Kakuzu like a fly to sticky paper.

This wouldn't have been too much of an issue for the banker, had he not begun to experience a string of disturbing dreams. Not disturbing in the, "I'm strapped to a gurney while a serial killer removes my liver" way, or even the, "I've somehow ended up in a monochrome nightmare without sound or life" variety. No, these dreams typically involved him and Hidan in less than innocent positions, with the younger male demonstrating a level of flexibility that shouldn't have been possible for a human and screaming in a way that would have made a straight celibate stand at attention below the waistline. Needless to say, Kakuzu was equally disturbed by the images his subconscious was sending to him and annoyed at the frequency he'd been taking cold showers.

Kakuzu groaned to himself and massaged his temples with more pressure than was necessary, a habit he'd grown into during the two weeks Hidan had been actively living out of his apartment. "I must have burned down an orphanage in a past life to deserve this. A puppy orphanage. For disabled and mentally retarded mutts."

Kakuzu's pity party was abruptly halted by the sound of his apartment door opening and then slamming shut. "Oi, dumbass!"

And there was the little hellion himself. Hidan worked most weekdays and weekends too, partially out of a desire for the money but mostly because of Kakuzu's reluctance to turn on the AC in the apartment. At least at work he could get a brief reprieve from the June heat, even if it meant running around a coffee shop for eight hours and coming home smelling of sweet coffee beans mixed with the bitter, salty smell of his own sweat-

"_Ah shit,_" Kakuzu growled to himself as his pants suddenly decided to tighten. "_Ok, you can handle this. Think of that orca that kept hitting on you at the bar. Dead fish smell. Anything by The Smiths._" The last one seemed to do it, and after taking a deep, cleansing breath, Kakuzu sauntered out of the kitchen to the living room. "You shrieked?"

Hidan had already stripped down to jeans to combat the intense heat of Kakuzu's apartment, with the rest of his work clothes scattered haphazardly around the couch. The Jashinist was now sprawled out on the lone furnishing he'd claimed as his own, and looked as though he was about to melt into the couch cushions. "How the hell can you-dude."

"What?"

"Dude!"

"What, Hidan?"

"You're wearing an apron!"

Kakuzu was, in fact, donning a khaki apron over his clothes, and judging from the recent flour and oil stains on the fabric had been putting it to good use. Hidan found the sight hilarious and began cackling like a madman, eventually rolling off the couch as tears streamed down his face. "OW! FUCK!"

"Are you done yet?" Hidan looked Kakuzu in the eyes, and then slowly allowed his gaze to travel back down the miser's body to the apron. Immediately the laughter resumed, irritating Kakuzu all the more. "You do realize you have to wear an apron at work every day, right? At least mine doesn't have a pink logo and lace trim."

"Wait to hit below the belt," Hidan gasped out as his laughter finally began to subside. "What the hell's with the apron, anyway?"

"I had to make a casserole for the company picnic."

"When's that?"

"This afternoon. I told you that at least five times."

"Huh. Don't remember that."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. Of course not. With Hidan, information had a nasty habit of going in one ear and out the other if you didn't forcibly restrain the kid and drill the info into his head. "Tsunade's coming by at five to pick me up for the company picnic, so try to make yourself scarce until we're gone."

Hidan crossed his arms and let out an annoyed 'humph' at the miser. "Fine, asshole. I've got plans anyway."

"Good, because I need you out of here in five minutes."

"What?! It's only-"

"I know, but that woman has gotten it into her head that I can't keep my apartment clean, so she'll probably just 'happen' to come here early and try to clean this place."

"Well have fun with that," Hidan called out, already halfway to the apartment door. "I'm getting the fuck out of dodge. See ya later."

"Try not to get arrested," Kakuzu replied as Hidan walked out the door. Once the teenager was out of the apartment, Kakuzu reentered the kitchen to clean up the casserole ingredients still scattered about the counter and table. The banker wasn't about to risk giving Tsunade any arsenal that could back up her ridiculous claims that he couldn't take care of his own apartment. Ok, so maybe there were dirty dishes stacked in the sink, and maybe the living room could use a good dusting, and it was quite possible that Kakuzu was down to his last clean shirt, but really, that was Hidan's fault for slacking off on the house work lately!

It was at that moment, as Kakuzu began wiping down the counter to clear off any stray crumbs, that he realized he hadn't bothered to ask Hidan exactly what was meant by him having plans. From what the miser could tell, Hidan didn't have any friends his own age, and the zealot supposedly had the next few days off work. The bookshop would be closing now too, so that was out. What else did Hidan have to do?

The question popped into his head more and more frequently over the next few days when Hidan failed to return to the apartment.

- one week later -

Kakuzu slowly opened his eyes and groaned when he saw the time. Three thirty in the Jash-no, god-damned morning. And on his day off too! Whatever had woken him was going to die slowly and painfully. Probably one of the neighbor's cats had gotten loose again, or else the couple down the hall was having another drunken argument. Both of these theories were immediately shot down when he noticed a stream of light creeping into his room from the crack beneath the door, as well as the sound of someone rustling about in the kitchen.

Now, in the event one's house is broken into, the best thing to do is to hide oneself and call the police to handle the matter. There is always a chance the home intruder is armed, tripping, or otherwise a threat to one's well-being, and thus should never be directly confronted. Kakuzu, however, had different ideas as to how to handle the situation. For one thing, this intruder was dumb enough to bustle about in a manner most noisy and turn the lights on, so it was extremely possible that he was dealing with an amateur. For another, Kakuzu was by no means slight or slim-framed, and his presence was usually enough to scare off anyone foolish enough to cross him. Finally, the miser was exhausted and not thinking very clearly, so what he was about to do seemed perfectly logical in his mind. This triad of foolhardiness combined and resulted in the banker slowly rising from his bed to creep out the door, prepared to confront the burglar foolish enough to trespass on his domicile.

Sure enough, the noise was coming from the kitchen, and this intruder wasn't even attempting to keep quiet. Kakuzu tiptoed across the living room, formulating a plan for what to do when he finally confronted the burglar. He stopped long enough to grab an umbrella propped against the wall (he didn't have any other blunt objects lying about), took a deep breath, and entered the kitchen.

To his surprise/relief/anger, the culprit in the kitchen break-in was none other than Hidan. "Hidan?! What are you doing here at three in the…morning…what the fuck."

Halfway through the miser's tirade, Hidan had turned around to face the older man. The zealot looked exhausted, visibly slouching where he stood and wearing the same outfit he'd left in a week ago. But the thing that really threw Kakuzu through a loop was his face. Hidan's right eye was a deep purple and swollen completely shut. His lip had been split, and one cheek was red and puffy. To top it off, his normally slicked-back hair was a complete rat's nest, like someone had been yanking it in all different directions.

To say Kakuzu was shocked would be an understatement. In truth, the banker was feeling a plethora of emotions at the moment. There was also worry about where Hidan had been, horror at his current state, a hint of curiosity at how he'd received these injuries, and a low-simmering anger towards whoever had hurt his friend like this. "Hidan, what happened?"

"What the hell are you doing with that umbrella?"

Kakuzu realized he looked like a complete idiot brandishing the umbrella like a weapon and hurriedly set it down. "Hidan, answer me."

"I didn't mean to wake you up," the teen went on as he rummaged through the freezer. "Just needed some ice for my eye. Damn thing hurts like a bitch."

"Where have you been?"

"There's not much I can do for my lip or cheek, but that's life."

"Why were you gone so long?"

"I just need to sleep this off. It'll be fucking fine in the morning."

"Who did this to you?"

"Sorry to wake you-"

"ANSWER ME!"Kakuzu shouted in a volume that made Hidan start and nearly close the freezer on his own hand. "You vanish for a week when I didn't even do anything to piss you off, you sneak back in like a burglar, your face looks like you just went ten rounds in a boxing ring and lost, and you won't even tell me what happened!"

"It's none of your Jashin-damned business," Hidan muttered.

"The hell it isn't!" Kakuzu gripped his temples and took a deep breath. "Hidan, no one deserves to get beat up like this. You need to tell me who did this, and don't give me some bullshit excuse about wanting to save your pride and not let an adult get involved."

"It's nothing."

"The fuck it isn't."

"Nothing's broken, damn it. I'll be fine, so quit being such a dumbass and let it go."

"As soon as you tell me what happened."

"Nothing happened."

Kakuzu snorted. "Nothing gave you a black eye, hm? Nothing split your lip? Hidan, you're so full of shit right now your eyes are turning brown."

"Just fucking drop it!" Hidan screamed at the banker. "It's none of your Jashin-damned business what happens to me! Quit acting like you're my fucking dad or whatever, because you're not! You're the dumbass that goes to work and pays rent, and I'm the live-in maid that sleeps on that crappy pile of cushions you call a couch! So shut the hell up and stop prying into my life!" Kakuzu didn't go after Hidan as the silver-haired male ran to the apartment's only bedroom and bolted the door behind him. In fact, it was quite a while before the miser could get his brain to function and feet to move at all.

-m-

"Yes, I understand. Yes, thank you again. Goodbye." Kakuzu sighed and hung up the phone. Well that was one thing taken care of. After Hidan's outburst the previous night, Kakuzu had settled in to sleep on the couch, since he was certain there was no way he could coax the younger male out of the bedroom. Not that it would have mattered; the banker spent the entire night lying awake, trying to figure out how he could work things out with Hidan, and he doubted sleeping in his own bed would have changed that. All he'd managed to do this morning was call in work to tell them he'd need the day off, and make breakfast for himself and the Jashinist.

Kakuzu sighed as he walked to his place at the table and dug into his meal; eggs and toast with black coffee. Normally the banker would skip breakfast altogether and go straight to work, but today he'd walked into the kitchen and started making eggs before he realized what he was doing. Considering what had happened the previous night, he needed to start this day with a full stomach and a shot of coffee. The fact that the breakfast Kakuzu had made was Hidan's favorite was purely secondary.

Kakuzu's musings were interrupted when Hidan entered the kitchen. Daylight emphasized the damage done to Hidan's face, as well as several bruised knuckles the banker had missed the night before. Hidan was bundled up in a set of Kakuzu's pajamas, making Kakuzu wonder if there were more marks beneath the fabric that the Jashinist wanted to hide from him.

Hidan looked around the kitchen, refusing to meet the banker's eyes. "You made breakfast?" Kakuzu nodded as Hidan took a seat beside him and began nibbling on the toast. "We're gonna have to talk, aren't we?" Another nod. "Fuck."

"Hidan-"

"I'll tell you what happened," Hidan muttered. "Just…not right now, ok? I feel like shit."

"I'll accept that." Kakuzu agreed. "You're still grounded."

"What?!"

"You heard me. One week."

"You can't…you…I…fucker!" Good, Hidan had been caught completely off-guard. Now was the perfect time for Kakuzu to say what was on his mind.

Kakuzu took a sip of coffee, and then began speaking before Hidan to pull himself together. "Look, I don't think of you as a son or a maid. Most of the time I don't even know what to think of you."

"Asshole."

"But for some reason, I care about you." Well that was a bit of an understatement, but Kakuzu could work out that particular issue later. Right now, he had to focus on Hidan, and how the two of them were going to manage living together. "So don't run off again without telling me, got it? Your home's here with me, so I'm going to worry about you. Don't' get me wrong, I still think you're the biggest pain in the ass mankind will ever know. It just…bothers me when you do shit like this and get hurt." Well that was awkward as hell, but at least he'd said what he wanted to say. Now to see how the Jashinist took it.

Hidan stared silently into his cup of coffee, fingers tightly clenched around the mug. His lower lip began to quiver, and his eyes were beginning to water. Wait…was Hidan going to cry?

Kakuzu never got an answer to that question, because Hidan suddenly tossed back his cup and began gulping down his coffee. "Hidan, what the hell are you doing?! That's scalding hot!"

"OW! Damn damn damn Jashin damn it!" Hidan swore as tears began running down his face. "Shit makes my eyes water."

"Well what did you-you were crying."

"Was not."

"Yes you were."

"They're just watering!"

"Uh-huh, sure."

"Fuck you, dumbass!"

The conversation degenerated from there into one of their oh so frequent arguments, and they were sure to get a complaint from the neighbors later. To top it off, Kakuzu still had no idea what had happened to Hidan, or what he was supposed to think about his dreams involving the Jashinist. He and Hidan were eventually going to have a longer, more uncomfortable talk to try and work this mess out.

But at the moment, he'd settle for having the Jashinist swear like a sailor and throw his good china across the kitchen. For all their problems, Hidan was back home. That was good enough for now.


	6. Chapter 5

Time passed, and Hidan's injuries eventually faded away to the point where they only existed in Kakuzu's memories. The banker had kept his word and not brought up the wounds again, nor inquired as to where Hidan had vanished during the week he'd been missing. Besides, he had bigger problems to worry about right now. July was fast coming to a close, and that meant one thing; Hidan needed to start school.

Kakuzu couldn't explain why he wanted to make sure the kid went to school. If he had to guess, it was because he cared about Hidan's well-being and knew that in this day and age, a kid couldn't get too far without a shiny piece of paper saying he was smart. The brat was a loudmouth and a complete ass at times, but to condemn him to a life of waiting tables or an equally menial career was definitely not something that he deserved, particularly since it was painfully obvious Hidan could be extremely intelligent when it came to books. And so, the banker took it upon himself to see that Hidan would be enrolled in the nearest high school come mid-August.

Kakuzu first mentioned this one morning during breakfast, hoping that Hidan still being half-asleep would work to his advantage of breaching the topic without enraging the boy. Something told him that Hidan probably didn't respond well to either social issues with his peers or authority from teachers, so getting him to agree to attending school was going to be a tough sell. "Hidan, do you know what next month is?"

"August, dumbass," Hidan grumbled into his mug of coffee.

"Right. And how old are you?"

"Sixteen, dumbass."

"Thought so. And aside from the fact that you have all the common sense of a retarded duck, you're fairly intelligent."

Hidan glanced suspiciously over his mug, clearly not following where his landlord was going with this train of thought. "What the hell are you getting at?"

"Hidan, you need to start school."

The Jashinist's reaction was to spit out his coffee in shock and double over at the table, choking. "Are you out of your fucking mind?!" he screamed.

"Hidan, just because you're old enough to drop out now doesn't mean you should."

"Fuck that!"

Kakuzu sighed and rubbed his temples in agitation. Well there went his hopes of working this out without Hidan getting riled up and screaming loud enough to wake the dead (and their neighbors, but that was another problem for another time). "I realize that the idea of having to sit quietly at a desk for seven hours a day isn't the most appealing offer for you-"

"No shit!"

"-But you can't get anywhere in life without a high school degree, at the very least. Even McDoodle Burgers want a GED once you hit 18." Hidan let out a huff at this argument but didn't give any other form of response. Kakuzu took that as a good thing and decided to push a little harder. "Hidan, you're smart enough that you could breeze through the rest of your schooling without even trying. If you did apply yourself, you might be able to get into college. Provided you could hold off on the swearing and violence and religious fanaticism until then."

"It's not that simple," Hidan grumbled, eyes now fixed to his plate instead of the miser.

Kakuzu decided to take the bait; it looked like Hidan was starting to cave. If the kid had gone from obnoxious screeching to abashed mumbling, then the banker was making good headway. Whatever was standing in his way needed to be taken care of. "Why not?"

"I dropped out halfway through last year," Hidan shamefully admitted. "Right around the time I became homeless. Just couldn't fucking take it. If I want back in, I'll have to go to the Jashin-damned principal and do a lot of ass kissing. Problem is, even if I do all that shit, he'll still need to talk to my parents." At this point, Hidan cast the miser a sideways glance. "See where I'm going with this?"

Ah. Well that was certainly a hitch in the grand scheme. "I didn't think about that," Kakuzu admitted.

"You really are the dumbest dumbass I've ever known," Hidan muttered in disbelief. "And I've lived with the psychotic homeless."

"Why couldn't you go to the courthouse and see about getting emancipated?" Kakuzu proposed. "Between you and I, it shouldn't be a problem to cover the legal fees."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?! It takes forever and a day for those bitchy little bureaucrats to get off their asses and take care of the paperwork, and I'd still have to go to the judge and prove I've got a home, employment, all that shit! And what do you think's going to happen if I tell them I'm living with you?"

"Oh-"

"I'll tell you what! They'll throw you in the slammer and keep me at the police station until I lie and tell them you made me ride your baloney pony all fucking night!"

"Must you be so crude?" Kakuzu groaned. Bad mental images, very bad mental images. Like it wasn't hard enough to act like a responsible adult when he had his own imagination to deal with, never mind Hidan unknowingly making suggestions like that. Besides, hadn't the kid just said he was only 16? That made what Kakuzu was hoping to do to him seven different kinds of illegal.

"_Focus,_" he snapped to himself. It was time to focus on the kid's future, not what he wanted to do in his own future. He needed to regroup, and fast. "Couldn't you just say your parents are busy and have me forge any signatures they need?"

"You're not gonna let this drop, are you?" Hidan muttered unhappily. "No amount of bitching or threats from me is gonna change a damn thing this time, is it?"

"Well what do you know. You really are that intelligent. Which only proves my point that you need to be in school this fall."

"Fuck you, Kakuzu." Hidan sighed and began shoveling toast into his mouth, clearly admitting defeat in his body language even if he'd never tell the banker he'd won. "I'll see what I can do, but if this turns into a total clusterfuck, you better let it drop."

-m-

For this first time in his thirteen year career as a principal at Public School #38, Principal Iruka was unsure of how to handle a situation with a student. He'd been busily working away at his desk, making preparations for the coming school year as well as attending to the current students who were participating in summer school to avoid repeating a grade, when out of the blue he'd gotten a call from Hidan Neko.

Hidan. Gods above, that child had been responsible for at least two of his stomach ulcers and several clumps of hair falling out. Whatever could be broken in the school, Hidan was sure to damage. Whatever non-lethal injuries a person could sustain, Hidan was sure to dole them out. The only reason Iruka hadn't expelled the kid in his second week here was that not only could he never pin anything on Hidan that was worthy of more than a detention, but his test scores blew everyone else right out of the water, and had helped drag up the school's average enough in years past to secure state funding. And then last year, Hidan had slowly started playing hooky more and more, until finally he stopped coming altogether. The faculty and students alike both breathed a sigh of relief at his departure, albeit Iruka did so with a pang of sadness that such an obviously intelligent boy was throwing his life away. So what was Hidan doing calling him now, asking if they could meet sometime today to discuss something important?

The intercom on Iruka's desk clicked to life, before his secretary's voice came through, loud, clear, and uncertain. "Principal Iruka, there's, err, someone here to see you."

"Hidan Neko, right?"

"How did you-"

"Send him in, Shizune." The intercom shut off, and a moment later a familiar Jashinist opened his door and walked in.

Iruka noted with a moderate level of relief that all in all, Hidan didn't appear to be in bad shape. His clothes and hair were clean, he didn't look emaciated by any stretch of the imagination, and there was a distinct lack of any injuries on his body. At least the kid had been taking care of himself. "It's been a long time, Hidan," the brunette male noted dryly. "Last time we spoke, you said several unflattering things about my mother using rather colorful language."

"Sorry, I guess," Hidan mumbled as he took a seat across from Iruka. The principal was honestly surprised by Hidan's reaction; he'd been expecting something along the lines of, 'Fuck you!', followed by a stapler going through his window. Instead, Hidan was quietly sitting in his chair, legs uncrossed and eyes looking anywhere but at the principal. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I didn't come here for a social call."

That was another thing; two whole sentences, and not so much as PG language from his mouth. Whatever Hidan wanted to say must be important. "I gathered as much. So, Hidan, what brings you to my humble abode of your own free will?"

"I wanna start school in the fall," the silver-haired teen blurted out.

Forget surprised, Iruka was officially blown out of the water now. "You want to start school," he repeated, needing to make sure he heard right.

"Uh-huh."

"You. The kid who publically declared his hatred of all things related to me and my school. The kid who took three weeks worth of unfinished homework assignments and set fire to them on our front steps. The kid who made two of our school police officers cry and quit within a month of starting work here. I could go on, but those are just the instances that come to mind." When Hidan didn't reply, Iruka sighed and continued. "Hidan, do you have any idea how much work it would take to get you back into the system, with your record? It could be done of course, and I'd be willing to help with that. But there's not much I can do without your parents' consent. Besides, why do you even want back in?"

Hidan was wringing his hands uncomfortably in his lap, looking like he very much wanted this entire mess to be over. "Someone pointed out I wouldn't get too far in life without a degree. It's just two more years; I can handle that."

"You didn't finish any of your sophomore credits, so it'd be a entire additional year of work."

"I'll take sophomore courses in night school," Hidan ground out, his hands balled so tightly into fists his knuckles were white. "We both know I'll be fuc- can handle junior courses."

"…It's taking everything in your power not to cuss me out six ways to Sunday and storm out that door, isn't it?" Hidan flinched but didn't answer. "Thought so. Hidan, be honest. Why the hell are you in my office, groveling to come back to the place you hate more than anything?"

"Because that person I mentioned earlier always goes out of his way to make sure I'm ok," Hidan spat out, glaring down at his lap. "It's annoying as all-you know, and it drives me up the wall, but it's still…nice, I guess. And if he goes through all that and I turn out to be a worthless waste of space like my old man-" (Iruka chose not to comment; from what he understood, Hidan's dad had been out of the picture for a long, long time) "-then everything he did was a waste. He thinks I'll be fine, I think I'll be fine, so just let me back in. Please," he added, eye visibly twitching at having to use manners.

Iruka raised a brow at the teen's explanation. "From the sound of it, you're pretty close to this person; maybe even living together. Be honest Hidan; your future depends on it."

"…Yeah, so what?"

"Is this a friend, or a relative, or…?"

"He's a dumbass, and that's really the only way to describe him," Hidan deadpanned.

"You seem to have a mighty high opinion of this 'dumbass'," Iruka pointed out. "How exactly did you come into his care?"

"I tried to mug him, he took my knife and gave me donuts, and things just kinda went from there," Hidan stated.

"That sounds…oddly like something that would happen to you."

"Just let me back in," Hidan requested one last time. "Even if you hate me, he doesn't deserve to have everything he did wasted."

"Well if this person is willing to put up with you for an extensive period of time, he's either completely out of his mind or he sees something in you," Iruka reasoned.

"Hey!"

"All right, I'll see about getting you back into the system."

Hidan looked genuinely shocked. "You mean it?" Iruka nodded, making Hidan smirk. "Good. Now I can get that moron off my ass."

"What-"

"Figure of speech!" Hidan quickly clarified in a panicked manner.

"Right…you'll need to go to the doctor and get him to sign this note saying all your medical records are up to date. You'll need to fill out these forms at some point before the year starts, and have a guardian sign them. I suggest you pretend this caretaker of your is a distant relative of some sort."

"Yeah yeah," Hidan dismissively agreed, already planning on forging his mother's signature. It wasn't like anyone would bother to verify her handwriting anyway.

"I'll see about getting you enrolled in courses, but at this point you'll have to take whatever's open. Understand?"

"Just sign me up for whatever's hardest. You know some idiots are gonna drop out the first week to take remedial classes, like they always do."

Iruka frowned but had to admit, the kid had a point. Yet there was one last thing he had to say, particularly since Hidan had so quickly returned to being a rude little hooligan as soon as Iruka had caved. "Hidan, I'm doing all this because of a huge leap of faith. You don't get into fights, you don't cuss out the staff, and you don't play hooky or damage any school property. One instance and your head's on the chopping block; am I clear?"

"I got it, be a good kid or get intimate with the fast food industry," Hidan agreed. "Anything else?"

"No, just take these papers and you're free to go."

"Sweet!" In the blink of an eye Hidan had snatched the papers and bolted from the office. Moments later, Iruka had the pleasure to hear a string of repressed curses being shouted at the top of Hidan's lungs as the teen ran out of the school.

The principal sighed and sank down in his chair, already feeling another ulcer coming on. "I've probably made the biggest mistake in my career by doing this," he muttered. "Still, if Hidan's got enough respect for someone that he'd actually come back to school, maybe there's hope for him yet."

-that night-

"Pay up, dumbass!"

"Pay?" Kakuzu inquired from over the edge of his newspaper.

Hidan rolled his eyes at the banker, who was seated rather comfortably in the living room's sole chair. He'd gotten back to the apartment hours ago, and had waited impatiently for the banker to come home and eat before pestering him. "Yeah, pay me! I went groveling to school and got them to let me back in. By the way, I'm going to need you to forge some emergency contact info. Anyway, I did what you wanted so now you do what I want!"

Kakuzu was quite pleased that Hidan had actually followed through on his request; granted, his life was probably going to become a veritable hell once the school year actually started, but for now he could be happy with Hidan being enrolled. "What do you want?"

"Take us out to dinner. Somewhere nice with food that doesn't taste like ass."

"Absolutely not."

"Ah come on, cheapskate!" Hidan whined as he grabbed the banker's arm and attempted to pull the man from his chair, to no avail. "I had to act all polite and shit and couldn't swear at all!"

"…"

"Well, maybe I swore a little, but it wasn't bad!"

"Hidan, forget it. We're flat broke until payday because someone thought it would be a good idea to put an entire frozen tuna in the blender, and we had to replace it."

"You can't prove jack," Hidan countered.

Kakuzu shook his head and returned his attention to the paper. "Forget it kid. The chance of a promising future should be reward enough for you."

"You will pay," Hidan hissed at the older man. "I'm going to get something out of this, dumbass! Starting with your bed."

"Wait, you can't-" but Hidan had already taken off and locked himself in Kakuzu's room, meaning that the banker was now condemned to a night on the couch. With a sigh of defeat, the miser closed his paper and stared up at the ceiling. "Perfect."


	7. Chapter 6

Kakuzu was, for the first time in a good while, completely and totally at peace with the world. He'd spent the past month filling out paperwork for Hidan, forging parental signatures for Hidan, taking the brat to a doctor to make sure all his shots were up to date (they weren't, much to the dismay of the miser's pocketbook and Hidan's shoulder, which had to endure the suffering of an inoculation that, if the teen's moans were anything to go by, had been as painful as a gunshot wound), and gathering the necessary school supplies for the fast-approaching fall semester (Hidan had insisted on paying for those, thank goodness). Now, he was tucked into bed, fast asleep, and having a pleasant dream.

For many a night, the banker had fallen victim to terribly erotic dreams about his roommate that had no business being in the mind of a grown man. Tonight, however, there was nothing but warm, fuzzy shapes and colors dancing around, and it was one of the most pleasant experiences he'd had in a good long while. At least, until the shapes began to fade away, and he slowly became more self-aware of what was going on around him. Was he waking up? Kakuzu tried to relax and drift back into the realm of pleasant sensations and no screaming Jashinists, but it was all for naught. Whatever had first beckoned him towards the world of the collected conscious was doing a darn good job of making sure he got all the way there. It felt like pressure…something very close to his chest and face…almost like-!

In an instant, Kakuzu was wide awake and throwing a body off his torso, before rapidly wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. The moment he had realized that someone was not only on top of him but _kissing_ him as well, the miser's reflexes had taken over, with his first reaction being to get his mysterious assailant as far away from him as possible. What kind of sick pervert-

"OW! What the hell, dumbass?!"

That sounded like Hidan. Wait, that _was_ Hidan. But that would mean… "Hidan?" the miser choked out, praying that his worst suspicions wouldn't be confirmed, that this whole thing was some sort of nightmare within a dream and all was fine and dandy in the real world.

"No shit! Who else lives here?!" Well there went that hope.

"You were…why were…" Kakuzu's brain absolutely refused to process what was going on at the moment and shut down without warning.

"You weren't supposed to wake up," Hidan sheepishly stated as Kakuzu turned on a nearby lamp.

"That doesn't make it better! Why the hell did you sneak in here in the middle of the night to kiss me!?" Shit, he'd said it aloud. He, a 24-year-old banker with his entire career ahead of him, had just locked lips with a minor. Arguments about him being the victim would be no good in court, should word of this ever get out; this was an absolute nightmare. Whatever deity was against him, he must've reeeeally pissed them off.

"Oh fuck off, dumbass, you know you wanted it!"

"That's rapist logic, you know," Kakuzu blurted out, unable to think up a better comeback at this point in time.

"Look," Hidan snapped, having reverted into defensive brat mode, "you're the one that gets up every Jashin-damned morning hard as a rock and skulks into the bathroom, and when you get out, you can't look me in the Jashin-damned eyes for hours!"

"That doesn't explain what you were doing in my room tonight," Kakuzu argued in a weak effort to turn this argument back on Hidan. The kid had noticed his problem? Dear Kami, this just kept getting better and better.

Hidan grumbled something under his breath, gaze averted and magenta eyes focused on the floor. "Everything's going to shit. School, a job, keeping this place clean, it's driving me nuts. And then I've had this thing for you for a while ("WHAT?!" Kakuzu mentally shrieked), and tonight, I couldn't fucking take it anymore, so I just…you know…"

"You've had a thing for me," Kakuzu repeated.

"Duh."

"You. Have a thing. For me."

"Oh hell, did I break you or something?" Hidan groaned.

"Hidan, you're eight years younger than me," Kakuzu reasoned. "You're still in high school. For Kami's sake, you haven't even known me six months!"

"What's the problem?" the Jashinist demanded. "You like me, I like you. That's all there is to it."

"Hidan, you're a child compared to me. You're still in the process of figuring out exactly what it is you like," Kakuzu attempted to explain.

"I like **you**," Hidan was quick to retort. "And it's pretty obvious you like me, so again, that's all there fucking is to it. Unless you're going to deny I'm the one making you rise to attention every morning."

"I haven't acted on my impulses because it's not going to end well for either of us," the miser went on.

"But you admit you like me," Hidan interjected, an ounce of hope laced within his smug statement.

"It doesn't matter how I feel or how you feel, because nothing is going to happen between us," Kakuzu firmly stated, his resolve not wavering (or at least, not in such a way that the younger male would notice). "It's immoral, illegal, and bad for your mental welfare."

"But-"

"You should be focusing on how you're going to readjust to school, and at least try to make friends."

"But-"

"There's no time for romance for you, and even if there was, you need to be with someone your own age."

"Dumbass-"

"Do you even realize that you just snuck into an older man's bedroom in the middle of the night to kiss him while he was unconscious? People don't do that, Hidan!"

"Would you shut the hell up already?!" Hidan screamed, shocking the miser into silence. He was glaring at the floor now, body hunched over in a position of defeat. "I get it, it doesn't matter what I say or do, and nothing's gonna happen between us because you've got a huge stick up your ass about putting something in mine."

"Must you be so crude?"

Hidan had enough defiance left in him to say, "Fuck you," before dashing out of the bedroom. Moments later, Kakuzu heard the door slam, and assumed Hidan had fled the apartment, either out of rage at the miser's rejection or a misguided attempt to save face.

Swearing to all the known and unknown deities, Kakuzu shut off his lamp and flopped back down onto his bed. Tch, like he was going to get any sleep after this fiasco.

-m-

The next morning, Kakuzu awoke at his normal time and got up to make breakfast, as per usual. Still, even if his daily routine went about as it always had, the miser's thoughts were far from focused on their normal worries. Everything about the previous night made his stomach churn; both Hidan's adamant devotion to him, and the way he'd callously rejected the teen when every fiber of his being was begging to have the Jashinist all to himself. Kakuzu decided he could worry about this mess whenever Hidan decided to wander back to the apartment. Or rather if he did, as "if" was looking to be a lot more likely than "when" at the moment.

This thought in mind, it was with a great amount of surprise that Kakuzu entered the kitchen to find Hidan nursing a mug of coffee. "Morning," he thoughtlessly blurted out, out of sheer habit.

Hidan glanced up briefly, acknowledging the miser's presence, and then immediately looked back to his beverage. Not a good sign by any stretch of the imagination. Kakuzu crossed the kitchen to retrieve a mug and pour himself a cup of coffee, gathering his thoughts in the process. By the time he reached the table and sat down with Hidan, he had a reasonable idea of what needed to be said. "Hidan-"

"I know what you're going to say, so don't fucking bother," the Jashinist murmured into his beverage. "What I did last night was unbelievably stupid. And I'm not saying that because it's what I'm supposed to say; it hit me while I was walking around last night that that's probably in the top five worst dumbass moments I've ever had."

Kakuzu himself wasn't going to argue with him on that point, but Hidan's self-berating didn't quite cover what he'd planned to say. "Hidan," he tried again, "look at me." When the silver-haired teen finally made eye contact, the banker went on. "I'm not trying to scold you for that. It was incredibly stupid, yes, but I understand why you did it. Hidan, I like you more than is healthy for either of us. But you need to look for someone your own age who can understand you and grow with you. There's someone out there for you, and odds are, it's not going to be me."

"…You get that off a newspaper relationship column?"

"Hidan…" Kakuzu sighed in a manner most exasperated.

"Ok, I get it, I'll back off." Hidan sipped his coffee, and then looked at the miser again. "So…are you going to kick me out?"

"Wha-no!" Kakuzu snapped so quickly it may as well have been a reflex. The thought of booting Hidan out over the kid's feelings, particularly ones that were mutual, was a thought that honestly had not occurred to the banker at any point last night or this morning.

"Good, 'cause I don't know how the hell I was going to explain to Iruka that I got kicked out for molesting you in your sleep," Hidan explained, making both men let out a chuckle before a semi-awkward silence fell between the two. It wasn't until both of them had finished their coffees and Kakuzu was washing out the cups that Hidan spoke again. "'Kuzu?"

"Hm?"

"Look, I get that you want to fucking drop it, but…if I feel this way, and you do too, down the line…could we try it?"

Kakuzu knew better than to give Hidan any sort of false hope. This was just a high school crush, probably brought on by the kindness and close proximity the miser had with the younger male. Still, he couldn't help himself. "If you still like me, and I still like you, many **years** down the line, we can talk. In the meantime, you need to have some sort of social life, and at least try to form a romantic relationship with someone in your own age group. Understand?"

"Fine, but don't blame me if everyone at that school is a total dumbass," Hidan agreed. "I'm gonna take a shower now."

As the younger male meandered his way out of the room, Kakuzu was forced to contemplate this most recent change in their relationship dynamic. So, Hidan liked him that way. This certainly made things more complicated.

To be fair, Kakuzu should have better disguised his feelings for the younger male, and tried to form a relationship of his own. Ordering the zealot to go out and try to find someone better when his own dating prospects were nonexistent was incredibly hypocritical, and might discourage Hidan from going after anyone if the miser remained single, and thus open to his advances.

That settled it. As soon as Hidan went back to school, Kakuzu was going to find a significant other.


	8. Chapter 7

Weeks passed at the apartment, until the morning came for Hidan to start school. Kakuzu hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, half because he was nervous about dealing with the Jashinist in the morning, and half because he wasn't positive that Hidan could avoid the temptation of running off in the middle of the night to avoid school. It wasn't as though Kakuzu didn't trust the teen; he simply knew that, when upset or hurt, Hidan tended to do incredibly irrational things, most notably running off for Kami knows how long. At some point Kakuzu did manage to drift off, but when his alarm woke him the next morning, the banker felt like his entire body was made of lead, and it was with a great deal of effort that he managed to drag himself into the kitchen.

To his surprise, not only was Hidan already up, but completely dressed and wide awake. Slowly, it occurred to Kakuzu's sleep-addled brain that the teen had probably been up for hours, anxious about going back to school with strict orders not to cause mayhem of any sort. Well this was interesting. Hidan really did have a soft, human center, under that bratty, swearing exterior.

"Geez dumbass, you really look like shit." Of course, Kakuzu had to keep in mind how thick that layer of brattishness could be.

The banker grunted at Hidan as he poured himself a cup of coffee, before taking his seat at the table. "I'm proud of you for doing this, you know."

"Aw fuck, you're not going to get all sentimental about this, are you?" Hidan groaned.

"Yes I am, so shut the hell up and take it like a man."

"I'm gonna tell Iruka you said that."

"Do it and they'll never find the body," Kakuzu warned.

Hidan ignored the threat, choosing instead to redirect his attention to the backpack on his lap. His old one was about to fall apart, with one strap being 50% duct tape and the other held together by an intricate network of safety pins. The silver-haired teen had gotten a new one, nearly identical to the other but in much better shape. Kakuzu couldn't help but note that something so prim and new didn't look right with Hidan, given the teen's wild and unkempt personality. "I packed all my stuff last night. Checked the damn thing a hundred times to make sure everything's there," he stated, absently fingering the zipper along the bag's edge.

"Not everything." Hidan looked up at Kakuzu, clearly confused by the banker's assertion. "Wait here," Kakuzu ordered, before quickly exiting the kitchen to go to his room.

Hidan didn't have long to wait before the miser returned, carrying a small box in his hand. "This is something you might need," Kakuzu explained as he dropped the item into Hidan's lap.

More curious than ever, Hidan hurriedly tore open the box, eyes widening as he saw the contents. "'Kuzu…"

"You've needed a cell phone for a while now," Kakuzu explained as Hidan turned over the present in his hands. "I probably should've gotten you one months ago, but they're pricey."

Hidan laughed at the explanation. "Dear Jashin, I wish I could've seen your face when you bought this. The fucking price tag probably took five years off your life!"

"Laugh it up, you little brat," Kakuzu grumbled as Hidan proceeded to do just that. "The number's at the bottom of the box, and my number has been programmed as #2 on your speed-dial. Only use this when you need to; if you start costing too much, you're footing your own bill. Clear?"

"You're as sweet as a lemon, you know that?"

"And you're going to be late," Kakuzu warned, eyes glancing towards the kitchen clock and noticing how late it was.

Hidan looked to the time as well and swore, shoving the phone in his pocket before hastily stuffing its box into his backpack and shouldering the bag. He stood and turned to dash from the kitchen, but at the last minute spun around to face Kakuzu. "What is it?" the miser asked.

"Look, I know you don't want us being all touchy-feely 'cause of the age thing, but…Jashin-damn, that was nice, and I'm about to rip my fucking hair out over here, so…"

Kakuzu understood what the teen was trying to say and crossed the room to hug Hidan to his chest, causing the zealot to stop mid-ramble and return the embrace. Dear Kami, the Jashinist was slight but definitely had some muscles; a little small for holding now, but a few years of growth and he'd be the perfect size…

Maintaining the embrace for as long as he dared, Kakuzu finally released the teen and urged him out the door. Once Hidan was out of sight, Kakuzu groaned and sank down into his chair. Two more years of this, at the very least?! He was going to die. Or pounce the kid, get thrown in jail, and then die.

Looking to the clock once again, Kakuzu let out another groan. He'd been so focused on getting Hidan out of the apartment and to school on time, that he'd completely overlooked the fact that he was about to be late for work. Sighing, the banker absent-mindedly reached for his coffee cup and contemplated taking the day off.

Moments later, as he was choking on the mouthful of sugar he'd drunk from the mistakenly grabbed sugar bowl, Kakuzu decided that today was indeed a good day to stay in.

-m-

Hours later, Kakuzu was glad he'd made the decision to take a sick day, when he received a call from an unknown number on his cell phone. "Kakuzu Bernat speaking."

"Please tell me you're the Kakuzu Hidan's been staying with," a frantic male voice on the other end of the line begged.

Well that was an odd way of starting a conversation. "Why do you ask?" the banker warily responded.

"Look, I'm Hidan's principal-Iruka, by the way-and we're in a bit of trouble down here."

"Did Hidan do something?" Kakuzu asked, a thousand and one scenarios darting through his mind. What could the Jashinist have done so early on to cause this level of panic in the other man's voice?

"No, not yet," Iruka assured the miser, dissipating some of Kakuzu's anxiety, "but he might, and frankly I won't hold it against him if he does."

"What's happened?"

There was a long, tired sigh before Iruka went on. "I knew that Hidan's readjustment to school might be messy at first, but I thought it would be his interactions with other students. Instead…it's his teachers."

"Please tell me he's not trying to convert them."

"They're outright refusing to have him in their classes," Iruka finally explained. "He's been sent here three times today simply because they don't want him in their classrooms, and it's getting to the both of us."

"What am I supposed to do about it?" Kakuzu inquired, tone probably sounding a lot more annoyed at Iruka than he felt. For Kami's sake, these were grown adults who couldn't fathom giving this kid a second chance! They were the ones Kakuzu was furious at, not the principal who was doing his best to help the zealot.

"I need you to come in and explain to them that Hidan is going to be well-behaved," Iruka pled. "I don't care what you say; you can tell them he spent the summer in an Alaskan boot camp for all I care!"

"You are aware that Hidan and I aren't related, right?" Kakuzu asked. "I'll plead that kid's case to hell and back, but if they find out I'm just a guy who's barely known Hidan for six months-"

"He has an uncle that went off the grid several years ago," Iruka cut in, and the sound of papers rustling in the background told Kakuzu the principal had the information on the missing man in hand. "His name is Donatsu Neco, his dad's half-brother. That's enough of a separation for you two to be related, even if you look as much like him as a housecat."

"When do you need me there?" Kakuzu inquired, though he was already hurrying out the door.

"ASAP. We're going to have a meeting during their lunch break, so it'll have to be kept short. And fair warning; this isn't going to be pretty."

-m-

Telling Kakuzu that the meeting wouldn't be pretty was like saying that a Siberian winter was a bit nippy. By the time Kakuzu had gotten to the school, received his nametag, and checked in with Iruka's secretary, the sounds of at least three voices could be heard shouting from behind the office door, and his only consolation was that none of them belonged to Hidan. He barely waited for the ok from Shizune before turning the doorknob and stepping into the room.

The office, which normally would have been a cozy size, was extremely cramped and packed to its maximum capacity. A very tired Iruka sat behind his desk with an equally tired-looking Hidan in front. Around the room six teachers were scattered, their facial expressions ranging from enraged to mildly uncomfortable. Kakuzu's presence had brought a quick silence across the room; seeing a scarred man over six feet tall and built like a brick house tended to do that to people. "You asked for me to come in?" he inquired, looking to Iruka.

Recognizing the man by the sound of his voice, Iruka quickly pulled himself together and stood up, arm extended over the desk. "Welcome, Mr. Neco," he greeted, shaking Kakuzu's hand. "We're **very** grateful to have you here." Salutations given, Iruka refocused his attention on the irate teachers. "Now that Hidan's guardian is here, would you mind explaining to him why exactly Hidan cannot attend your classes?"

"That child," a blond woman with ankle-breaker heels and a tight button-up shirt began, "has been a menace to this school since he first walked in! He gets into fights, he breaks into lockers, he sleeps in class when he's not busy reducing the students and teachers to tears, he has no respect for any sort of authority figure, and I will not have the rest of my class dragged down by his antics!" The other teachers gave cries of agreement, though a couple were voiced rather reluctantly.

Kakuzu took a deep, cleansing breath, and reminded himself that he'd dealt with worse than this on bad days at work. Be calm, be firm, and don't back down. "Has he done any of this in your classes?"

"Of course!" one teacher, a mousy brunette, confirmed from the back of the group.

"Has he done anything this year?"

"…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Has Hidan been disruptive in your class, or any class, at any point today?"

"…No."

"No to which question?"

"To both," the brunette sheepishly admitted.

"I am fully aware that Hidan has been a little hellion in the past," Kakuzu went on, trying to be as cool and diplomatic as he could about this fiasco. "But understand that Hidan is not here because he was forced" (all right, that might have been fudging the truth a bit), "but because he wants to be here. I'm not asking that you bend over backwards for him; I merely ask you to give him a fair chance."

"I don't care if the brat's gone to the Holy Land and become a saint," a crotchety old man with a bald spot and beer gut declared. "Hidan's an absolute nightmare, and I'd rather be fired than deal with that monster in my class!"

"Don't tempt me," Iruka growled from behind his desk. Kakuzu noticed how Hidan had flinched at the accusation, but otherwise kept quiet, tightly wringing his hands in an effort to keep them from strangling his accuser. The kid was doing his best to behave, and for that he had the banker's respect.

"He never contributes to the class," the teacher went on, dragging Kakuzu out of his reverie, "he couldn't do the work if you gave him step by step directions, he won't listen to authority-"

"You listen to me," Kakuzu interjected, voice barely concealing the rage stewing beneath the surface. Had Hidan been listening to this all day? The Jashinist must have been a hair's breadth away from a killing spree when he showed up. "Hidan is living with me. If something bad happens, you can tell Mr. Iruka here, and he will call me, and Hidan will have to answer to me. In the meantime, you will teach him, you will stop insulting him to his face (or behind his back, for that matter), and if you continue to throw a tantrum like this because you don't feel like doing your job, you and I are going to have problems. Hidan will behave; right Hidan?"

"Yeah," the Jashinist responded, too stupefied by the miser's declaration to form a more eloquent sentence.

"There. Any other objections?"

"As long as he does the work, I'm fine," a fourth teacher asserted. The others agreed, and then slowly meandered their way out of the office, too frightened or embarrassed to say anything else.

"Erm, thank you, Mr. Bernat," Iruka stated. "That was…terrifying, but effective."

"I'm aware. Do you need me for anything else while I'm here?"

"No, no, I believe that took care of everything."

"In that case, I'm going home," Kakuzu decided, already heading towards the door. He did not get paid enough for this, and could already feel a headache coming on from the altercation. "Hidan, pick something up on the way home; I'm not cooking tonight."

"Yeah, sure thing," the Jashinist agreed as the miser exited the office.

-m-

Hours later, Kakuzu heard the sound of the apartment door opening and shutting, followed by a cry of, "Oi, dumbass, get your dinner!"

The miser wandered into the kitchen to find Hidan already devouring his dinner of choice: a combination of a cheeseburger and a side of glazed donuts. The Jashinist looked up as he heard Kakuzu enter and grinned at the miser. "Dude, you were fucking awesome today."

"Mm," Kakuzu grunted as he began eating his own burger.

"I'm serious!" Hidan chuckled, smirking at the banker. "You know what Iruka called you? A mother bear."

"Lovely," Kakuzu growled into his food. Well at least the principal would know he actually cared about Hidan now, instead of just taking the kid's word for it.

"Dear Jashin, I thought old man Smithers was going to shit himself when you called him out!" Hidan went on, laughing wildly now. "The whole afternoon, he kept looking around like he was expecting you to jump out of the Jashin-damned closet or something!"

"I take it the afternoon went better than the morning?"

Hidan nodded, his laughter fading away. "Yeah. Hey dumbass?"

"Wha-damn it!"

"Ha, you're going to react to that for the rest of your life. Seriously though, thanks for sticking up for me. Doesn't happen a whole fucking lot, so…"

"Just behave and study. That's all I ask."

"I know, mom, I know," Hidan grumbled, now devouring a donut. "Make friends, do good in class, get a nice boyfr-" the zealot abruptly cut himself off, as though he truly didn't want to finish that thought. Kakuzu, to his credit, pretended not to notice, and the duo was able to enjoy a pleasant meal, laced with a healthy dose of banter and swearing.

Afterwards, Hidan went to the living room to do his homework (or goof off, but Kakuzu would give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being), while the miser cleared the table. Hidan had made it through the first day of school, with only minor issues. Soon enough, Hidan might bring home a few friends, and Kakuzu could go back to the days when his job was his biggest worry. Hopefully things would get better for the miser and zealot now.


	9. Chapter 8

"Now if you'll turn to page 189, we'll pick up at the 3/5 Compromise…"

It was taking every ounce of Hidan's willpower not to put his head down on the desk and sleep through the rest of history class. The Jashinist had been back in school for nearly a week now, and so far his behavior had been akin to that of a model student. He'd done all the homework and readings for his courses, been on time every day, and had only glared at the other students instead of threatening them. The teachers and students alike were still giving him a wide berth, however; it'd take a while before they would treat him normally, and much longer before he could make any friends.

The Jashinist was abruptly snapped out of his thoughts when a paper wad came flying through the air, bouncing off his arm to settle in the middle of his desk. Hidan looked around, trying to find the culprit, and eventually made eye contact with a nearby blond, who was probably the most androgynous creature Hidan had ever laid eyes on. Long hair held in a ponytail, a thin layer of eye liner over each eye, and a waistline that would've made most girls turn green with envy. On the other hand, the lack of boobs and a fairly obvious adam's apple made the blond's gender quite clear. Hidan was also fairly certain that this person was in his math class and possibly English class as well, but couldn't be sure. Noticing that he'd gotten Hidan's attention, the teen motioned to the paper wad several times, clearly wanting Hidan to open it. Deciding to indulge the blond's request and fully prepared for a bout of freshly written insults, Hidan opened the note. _"Hey, you're Hidan, right?"_ it read.

The zealot raised a brow. That was probably the nicest sentence he'd heard since coming back, sadly enough. "Well the dumbass did want me to make friends…" Quickly Hidan scribbled a reply back, and tossed it to the blond. _"Yeah. Who're you?"_

A quick skim over the note, a hasty reply, and it was back on Hidan's desk. _"Name's Deidara. So it seems like you've got a pretty bad rep around here."_

"Happens when you beat up too many assholes and make a couple teachers cry."

Deidara didn't even bat an eye when he read the statement, and quickly answered. _"Figured it was something like that. I just transferred in last semester; long story, involved a couple of firecrackers going off in a garage and several lost fingers."_

Hidan, as Kakuzu had noted many times, was better than most at hiding his surprise at awkward situations and thinking fast, but this was enough to throw him off for a moment. This kid was like him? A screw-up and an outcast? He didn't seem vicious, despite such a violent reason behind his transfer, but Hidan knew better than to assume that Deidara was more lamb than lion until he knew a little more about him. _"Is there a reason you're passing notes to me? I'm kind of under a tight watch right now, if you haven't noticed."_

"I don't understand anything we're doing in here," Deidara's reply read. _"No one wants to tutor me because of the firecracker thing, but you're different. Mind helping a fellow delinquent out?"_

"Mr. Neco, is that a note?!" Hidan's stomach plummeted to somewhere in his shoes as panic to over. Shit, how was he going to explain this to Kakuzu?

"Why yes it is, un," a smooth voice answered from behind him.

Hidan turned to see that it was Deidara who had spoken, moreover, he'd done so with a small smile on his face. Bastard! "And I'm the one that passed it to him." Huh?

"Would you mind telling the class what was so important that it couldn't wait until after my lecture?" the teacher demanded, attention temporarily refocused on Deidara.

"Sure, un. This actually concerns you anyway," Deidara continued, grin still on his face. "I was just asking Hidan what the best way to ask you out would be."

There was absolute silence in the room. Every conversation had ceased at the blond's declaration; even the AC unit had shut off, as though fearful of missing whatever was to come now. Finally, the teacher was able to pick his jaw up off the floor long enough to choke out an, "Excuse me?!"

"You see sir, I'm terribly attracted to you, but not good at letting it show, un," Deidara went on, as though he were only talking about the weather. "Do you prefer notes hidden under your coffee mug in the morning, or talking outside the school at your car, un?"

"That's enough, Mr. Iwa."

"What about dates, un? Dinner and a movie, or long walks in the park?"

"Mr. Iwa-"

"And what should I wear, un? Jeans might look nice, but I've heard I look pretty good in a mini skirt and heels, un."

If Hidan hadn't gone into shock about five minutes ago, he would have been laughing his ass off at this. It was like Deidara knew he was screwed no matter what, so he was going to have as much fun with this fiasco as possible while he could.

The teacher had finally had enough, and demanded the blond go to the principal's office. Beet red, he escorted Deidara out of the room, barked a command at the other students to continue reading, and slammed the door shut behind him.

As the other students began to whisper among themselves as to what had just occurred, giggling and imitating the blond's actions, Hidan slowly realized that in his haste to punish Deidara, the instructor had completely forgotten that the zealot had been passing notes. The blond had just saved his ass.

Looks like Hidan had made a friend.

-m-

Word soon traveled around the school about Deidara's exploits, and it didn't take much eavesdropping for Hidan to discover that the blond's antics had resulted in a week of detention (although there were more than a few rumors going around the Deidara had either been kicked out of the front door by Iruka personally, or that their teacher had reciprocated the feelings and eloped with Deidara before the school could stop them). As a sign of good will, Hidan waited outside the school for detention to let out, watching for the blond to get out so they could talk. Sure enough, he was able to spot Deidara when the teen emerged from the school, and immediately approached him. "Hey, Deidara."

The blond spun around at the sound of his name, clearly surprised to see Hidan here. "You know, the point in me taking a dive for note passing was so you didn't have to stay after school, un."

Hidan shrugged and fell into step beside the other male; it appeared they lived in roughly the same direction. "Just wanted to say thanks, dumbass. It was pretty fucking nice of you to do that, so thanks."

"Geez, you kiss your mom with that mouth, un?"

"Hell no. What's with the 'un' thing? Speech problem?"

"Kinda, yeah. So, you plan on following me all the way home, stalker?"

"Ass. I live down this way."

Deidara seemed to turn this information over in his head briefly before going on. "You never gave me an answer about tutoring, un."

"Huh? Oh yeah. Yeah, I don't mind helping you."

"Good, because you owe me big time for me bailing you out, un," the blond grinned.

"That was fucking hilarious, by the way."

"I took a drama class at my old school, un," Deidara shrugged. "Helps out for things like that, un." The duo continued walking in silence for a time, before Deidara stopped at a street corner. "My apartment's down this way," he explained, motioning to the left.

"I'm a few blocks ahead," Hidan replied.

"Hey, do you mind if I come over for a bit, un? My folks aren't gonna be home until late, and I wasn't lying, I really suck at advanced history. And calculus. Maybe English too, un."

"You're gonna milk this for all you can, aren't you?"

"Yup."

"Bastard."

"I'll take that as a yes, un."

"Fine, just don't freak out about my dumbass of a roommate." Hidan wondered briefly if he should call ahead to let Kakuzu know that company was coming over, but decided to let it go. They were less than two blocks away now, so the banker wouldn't get much warning even if he called, and besides, Kakuzu probably would let his irritation at an uninvited guest be pushed aside in favor of happiness that Hidan had finally made a friend. At least, Hidan hoped so.

-m-

Deidara's introduction could have gone better, to say the least. As soon as Hidan entered the apartment, Kakuzu appeared out of nowhere and glared down at the younger man. Hidan hadn't bothered to inform the miser that he'd be staying after school, and Kakuzu had spent the past hour wondering/worrying if something had happened to Hidan during or after school. Now that the zealot was home safe and sound, all that worry quickly reshaped itself into anger, and he was fully prepared to chew Hidan out for making him fret so much. "Where the hell have you been?" he demanded.

"At school, and no, I didn't get in trouble, so calm the fuck down, dumbass," Hidan answered.

"What the hell were-"

"HOLY CRAP, UN!"

Both males turned around to see a visibly shocked Deidara standing in the apartment doorway, just as the blond's feet propelled him backwards into the door, which connected with his skull and caused him to slip down to the floor with a slight whimper. "Ow."

"That's why I was late," Hidan explained, motioning to the blond. "I was waiting for a friend to get out. You know, friends? The things you get when you don't breathe fire and fucking brimstone down people's necks when they're a Jashin-damned hour late to get home?"

"Oh." Well now Kakuzu felt like a complete and total dumbass.

"Hey Deidara, you all right man?" Hidan asked, somewhat worried that the blond had managed to injure himself on their door.

"You could've warned me about him, un!" Deidara snapped, jabbing a finger towards Kakuzu. "He looks like one of those guys in the mob that gets paid to shake people down for money, un!"

"I can see why you two get along," Kakuzu dryly remarked.

"Dumbass. Look, it's a little late, but can he stay for dinner?"

"Normal people would have asked that before bringing the guest _inside_, Hidan," Kakuzu chastised, though it was done with little malice or venom. "Fine. Just behave, and make sure his parents know."

"Don't worry, the cops aren't gonna break down the Jashin-damned door looking for him," Hidan replied, although the sarcasm was somewhat diminished by the look of glee on his face. He'd made a friend and Kakuzu appeared to be ok with said friend staying over. Perfect. "Living room all right, Deidara?"

"Sure thing." The blond had regained his senses by now and was back on his feet, ready to follow Hidan into the next room.

As they left, Kakuzu returned to the kitchen, where he had been making dinner for himself and Hidan. Tonight would be pasta, so thankfully it would be easy to make another serving for their additional guest. The banker was somewhat concerned about this Deidara kid; Hidan hadn't explained what the blond was doing so late in the school, and that didn't sit well with him. On the other hand, his first impression of the kid was that he wasn't a bully or thug, but a normal enough teen who was possibly a bit of an idiot. They could talk more over dinner, and after that, he'd formulate a solid opinion on Deidara. After all, he and Hidan had met while the former was being robbed by the latter, and look where they were now. For the time being, he'd give Deidara the benefit of the doubt, and finish cooking dinner.


	10. Chapter 9

"So what's the deal with you and that Kakuzu guy, un?" Deidara asked, snatching a fry off of Hidan's lunch tray as he did so.

"Don't you have class right now?" Hidan demanded, moving his fries and the rest of his lunch out of Deidara's reach. The two were seated by themselves in the cafeteria at a small table near the back, eating and talking with not a care in the world. Hidan was fairly certain that, while he and Deidara shared a few periods together, lunch wasn't one of them.

Deidara shrugged and snatched another fry before Hidan could stop him. "It's wood shop, un. I swear the teacher just leaves us in the carpentry room and spends the rest of the period watching porn on his computer. As long as I show up often enough to do my projects, I'll be fine, un."

"You're so fucking lucky you're an artist," Hidan grumbled. It was true that Deidara had more than a bit of talent when it came to painting or sculpture, and even his wood carving was rather nice. Honestly, the blond could spend the rest of the semester making nothing but bookends in shop, and he'd pass with flying colors simply because of the ornate carvings he did after the ends were made.

"And you haven't answered my question, un. You guys aren't related or anything, right?"

"The dumbass let me hang out, I started staying over at his place some nights, and then he got all worried about me when I vanished for a while, so he finally just said fuck it and let me move in."

"You don't have parents or anything?"

"I was on my own before him, so what the hell do you think?"

"Yeesh, touchy." Deidara frowned when he saw the look on Hidan's face; apparently he'd really upset his friend. "Sorry, un. I didn't know."

"Whatever. Did you finish your essay?"

"There's an essay?!"

"You know, you're the reason people make blond jokes," Hidan laughed. "And hell no there isn't. You'd know that if you paid attention."

"Asshole."

"Takes one to know one." Their conversation was interrupted by a small brunette approaching their table, looking nervously from one male to the other but not speaking a word. Hidan made eye contact with the girl, hoping she'd offer an explanation for her presence then. When none came forth, the Jashinist frowned at her. "What is it?"

The girl squeaked in surprise at having Hidan speak to her, and then began nervously digging through her backpack. Much to both Deidara and Hidan's surprise, she pulled out a healthy stack of letters, all but threw them at the Jashinist, and then fled the cafeteria towards the bathroom, probably to hide out until her embarrassment died down.

"The hell are these?" Hidan inquired, turning one envelope over in his hand.

"I believe they're called letters, un."

"Thanks jackass, I never would have guessed," Hidan drawled out as he tore one of the envelopes open and began reading the letter within. "Dearest Hidan: I know the world hates you, but we don't! Love, the HFC. The fuck is this?!"

"Oh yeah, um…there's something I've been meaning to tell you, un," Deidara nervously laughed. "A bunch of the underclassmen girls heard about you disappearing last year and then coming back and being well-behaved now, un. There's all kinds of stories going around about why you did it, un."

"Like what?"

"Well some people think you've got a dying sister in the hospital that wants to see you graduate before she kicks the bucket, un. And there's another one that says you got shipped out to boot camp, and they really cleaned you up. Those are just the more popular ones-"

"Are the others made of pure bullshit too?"

"Anyway," Deidara went on, "The girls think they're living in some kind of romance novel and want to be your heroine."

"Hate to break it to them, but they're missing a few parts below the belt I find essential. And I'm just here because the dumbass made me come!"

His declaration didn't faze Deidara in the least. "Try getting that through their thick heads, un. You wouldn't be able to get them to listen unless you did something really loud and obnoxious…"

"Which would get me kicked out of here," Hidan concluded, "and Kakuzu would kick my ass. Fuck."

"That about sums it up, un." Hidan sighed and face-planted on the table, cursing his lot in life. Deidara felt bad for his friend; he'd only know Hidan for a short period of time, but didn't like to see the Jashinist suffer. "Hey, how about you come over to my place tonight, un? My dad won't care."

"What about your mom?"

"She's overseas on business or something," Deidara replied with a dismissive wave. "C'mon, I've got chips and Fist of Deathly Death VI, un."

"Fine, just let me clear it with Kakuzu first, k? The guy's a pain in the ass if he doesn't know where I am at night."

-m-

Immediately after school Hidan called Kakuzu, crossing his fingers and hoping for the best. Deidara stood by, giving Hidan encouraging looks and a list of answers to any questions Kakuzu may have about Deidara's house, parents, or criminal record. "Hello?"

"Hey 'Kuzu, can I go over to Deidara's tonight?"

Hidan could practically hear the banker frowning over the phone. "What are you two going to be doing?"

"Oh, you know, raping and pillaging the people of this fair village. What the hell do you think?" The zealot sighed and checked his irritation. This probably wasn't the best way to go about getting permission. "We're just gonna hang out and play some video games, maybe watch a movie and order pizza. His dad will be there, so there's no way in hell we'll get into too much trouble. K?"

"Hidan, I was asking in case I…if you needed…you might…hurk…"

"Dude, are you having a seizure?"

"Do you need money?" Kakuzu finally choked out.

It took Hidan a solid minute to process what he'd just heard. "Did you just offer to _give_ me money?"

"…Yes."

At the man's pathetic sounding response, Hidan burst into peals of laughter, startling Deidara who had gotten more and more confused as the phone conversation went on. "No, dumbass," Hidan gasped, wiping at the tears on his face. "We'll be fine. Dear Jashin, I wish I could've seen your face."

"Just don't get arrested," came Kakuzu's gruff order shortly before he hung up.

"Tch, love you too, bastard," Hidan finished as he snapped the phone shut. "He's fine with it."

"O…k?"

"Don't ask." Conversation finished, Hidan hooked his arm through Deidara's and began dragging his friend down the street. "Let's go, before he gets nervous and changes his mind."

-m-

"Dear Jashin, I wish I could've seen your face."

"Just don't get arrested." Kakuzu quickly shut his phone and shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder why I ever took that kid in."

"Because you've got a heart of gold," a smooth, masculine voice purred from behind him.

"That would explain why I still talk to you," Kakuzu grumbled, glaring over his shoulder at his friend. "Why the hell are you even here, Sasori?"

The redhead rose from his seat on the couch and stretched lazily, finishing his maneuver with a shrug to the banker's inquiry. "Your door was open. Besides, when you told me about your plans to set up a dating profile, I knew you'd need my help."

"You're stoned off your ass right now, Sasori. I doubt you could help water be wet."

"I'm not that out of it. I'm at a 3, tops. Besides, you forget how much action this stoner gets," the Akasuna purred, coming forward and draping his arms around Kakuzu's neck to gain a better vantage point at the computer screen in front of them. "See the box about personal hobbies?" he asked, pointing.

"Yes?"

"What are you planning on putting there?"

"Work. Reading."

"And?" Sasori pressed.

"…Money?"

The redhead tsk'd and shook his head. "No no no! Put something about going out to places. Walks in the park, people watching at coffee shops-"

"That's cliché and stupid."

"Just add it." Sasori watched as Kakuzu obeyed, pondering what else to put. "Now put down college education, but do not say you work at a bank; gold-digger skanks will be all over you for that. Good…interested in?"

"Men."

"Knew it!"

SMACK

"Ow."

"Anything else?" Kakuzu demanded.

"Everything else looks fine for now," Sasori grudgingly admitted. "Picture, age, alma mater, blah blah blah. You won't get flooded with messages, but someone should go for you."

"Shouldn't you be taking your latest boy toy out for dinner by now?" Kakuzu inquired, wondering for the thousandth time why he'd let his stoned best friend into his apartment to help make a dating profile. Like this wasn't already embarrassing enough.

"Dumped him," came the sad reply. "I swear it's impossible to find someone who can hold my interest for more than a few weeks."

"Didn't you spend three months chasing this one?"

"The return wasn't worth the investment. Oooh, it looks like you've already got a taker," Sasori chuckled, motioning to the mail icon that had suddenly popped up on Kakuzu's page.

"That didn't take long," the banker remarked. Maybe this online dating thing wouldn't be too terrible.

"Don't get your hopes up," Sasori cautioned. "The Internet's full of crazies and sickos. There's a reason I went back to bar hopping."

"Right, that had nothing to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic prick who knows he looks good in leather and low-lighting," Kakuzu shot back with a smirk.

"Such a cruel friend," Sasori sighed, finally releasing Kakuzu from his hold as he wandered across the living room towards the couch. "I'll be sleeping here tonight. As payment for helping you divert your attention from your live-in brat."

"Whatever." Kakuzu remained seated in the armchair for a while yet, working on his winter budget and occasionally checking the dating page for new messages. He'd need to budget a bit more money for heating this year, lest Hidan complain about the chill. Come to think of it, he probably needed to consider getting the Jashinist a winter coat sometime soon. Something warm and durable, dark in color to hide stains and tapered around the waist to accentuate his figure-

Kakuzu immediately went back to the dating site, resolving to answer at least one of the messages in his ever-growing inbox with an affirmative for a date. There had to be at least one decent guy out there for him. Right?


	11. Chapter 10

Hidan woke up the next morning to a sore back and a sick stomach. While decidedly unpleasant, there was nothing too worrying about the Jashinist's condition. Hidan was fairly certain that the nausea was caused by the previous night's binging on popcorn, gummy worms, and energy drinks, without any sort of sustenance (or "real food", as Kakuzu would put it), to counteract the salt and sugar's ravaging of his stomach. The sore back was merely the result of passing out on the floor of Deidara's living room and sleeping in that position for an extensive period of time.

Hidan sat up and stretched, wincing as several joints popped from the movement. Mental note; next time he spent the night at Deidara's, make sure it was on a bed, or at least the recliner that sat so invitingly on the other side of the living room. Speaking of Deidara…

The blond teen was curled up on the couch, blissfully unaware that their snacking and sleeping arrangement had brought such unfortunate consequences to his friend. He'd managed to acquire a blanket before passing out, although sleeping without a pillow probably meant that he was going to awaken to a rather stiff neck. From what Hidan could tell the rest of the house was still and silent, indicating that Deidara's father had already left for work, and the two boys were alone.

At this point, Hidan realized he had somewhat of a predicament on his hands. Having been anti-social from his first day of kindergarten, Hidan had never experienced having a sleepover with a friend before. As a result, he was unaware of whether he should leave Deidara sleeping or not. On one hand, he didn't want to turn on the TV or wander around the house when this was the first time his friend had ever let him come over. On the other hand, Deidara looked rather peaceful, curled up like that, and Hidan knew from past experience in class that Deidara was definitely not a morning person. Thus, Hidan was left between a rock and a hard place.

Eventually, the Jashinist decided to meander his way into the kitchen and scrape together something to settle his stomach, seeing as Deidara had already shown him around the kitchen the night before and it wasn't too far from the living room. It took a bit of searching, but eventually Hidan was able to locate bread, orange juice, two plates and glasses, and a toaster. Toast sounded pretty good right now; besides, Hidan wasn't too sure his stomach could handle anything more complex than that.

Right around the time the toaster chimed to let him know the first batch was done, a weak groan floated into the kitchen from the living room. Apparently Deidara had finally woken up. "Hey man," Hidan greeted from the doorway. "You feel as shitty as you look?"

"Go to hell," Deidara whined, curling up tighter into a ball. "My stomach's trying to explode, un."

Hidan shook his head at the distressed blond and went back into the kitchen to pop a few more pieces of bread into the toaster. "I'm making toast for breakfast," he called out. "It might settle your stomach."

"Gimme two pieces and a glass of OJ, un."

"Demanding little bitch, aren't you?"

"Says the person taking advantage of my kitchen, un. I live here and am therefore entitled to all the toast, un; be grateful you get any."

"And whiny," Hidan added. Nevertheless, the zealot did as his friend requested and brought a stack of toast and two full glasses of orange juice into the living room. It seemed to do the trick; after nibbling and sipping a bit, the boys' stomachs were much better. Eventually Deidara found the remote and turned the TV to some news channel, giving the duo a little background noise as they finished a second round of breakfast, this time eating plates heaped high with cheesy scrambled eggs.

"So what're you doing today, un?" Deidara inquired as he swallowed the last bite of egg.

Hidan turned the question over in his head for a while, before a frown took over his face. "I need to run a couple errands."

"Where to, un?"

"Grocery, for one thing. Need to get some crap for home."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Probably need to go ahead and do that; if I take too long to get back to the apartment, the dumbass is gonna rip me a new one."

"Ok." Deidara took Hidan's plate into the kitchen along with his own, setting the dishes in the sink while the Jashinist gathered up his things in the next room. By the time he returned, Hidan was packed and ready to go. "I'll see you on Monday, un?"

"Yeah." Hidan shuffled awkwardly, knowing that he probably needed to thank the blond for letting him spend the night, especially on such short notice. "Thanks for letting me come over, Dei. It was a hell of a lot better than just staying with Kakuzu all night and listening to him bitch about using too much hot water."

"It's fine," Deidara shrugged. Truth be told, he was just as happy that Hidan had agreed to come over. "Ok, so…bye, un."

"Yeah, bye."

-meanwhile, across town-

Kakuzu was deep in thought, desperately trying to recall a time when Sasori had told him about a particularly bad date, and what the redhead had done to sneak out early. Unfortunately for the banker, Kakuzu tended not to listen to Sasori when the artist was talking about his love life, and had gotten terribly good at tuning the man out. It was a shame; Kakuzu definitely needed to get out of this disaster that one could only loosely define as a 'date'.

For one thing, his blind date had showed up fifteen minutes late, and then became frustrated when he discovered that Kakuzu had already ordered a cup of coffee at the café they were supposed to meet at. Not a good first impression, but Kakuzu was willing to give the fellow the benefit of the doubt, and decided to stick around whilst the newcomer blond placed his order and then returned to the table. Big mistake.

The man would not shut up for **anything**. He'd asked about the scars on Kakuzu's face, only to immediately follow his inquiry up with a story about his trip to South America, and how he'd scraped his own body up pretty badly hiking up a waterfall. He asked about Kakuzu's job, only to immediately start bragging about his own career as the successful owner of a chain of fashion boutiques. Any time he opened his mouth, it was to either brag about himself or to set up a scenario that would lead to him bragging about himself. Kakuzu, to no one's surprise, was less than impressed. As soon as his date got up to get more napkins (after lamenting how low quality these napkins were, compared to some of the places he'd dined in during his travels abroad), Kakuzu sent a desperate text message to Sasori, begging the man to come down to the café and rescue him from this nightmare of a date.

No reply came, and soon the blond was back to chat up a storm once again. Finally, after another eternity of listening to the man blather on about a ski trip or fishing expedition, Kakuzu couldn't remember or care which, his phone vibrated and a message from Sasori popped up. _"Can't come, but you might want to come home. I may have broken your stove. There's a hissing noise and a funny smell."_ Kakuzu's face blanched and he all but shot out of his seat, barely stopping long enough to tell his date there might be a chance of a gas fire at his house before running off.

Fairly certain he looked like a complete idiot, Kakuzu ran back to his apartment at full speed and burst through the door, practically diving into the kitchen to see if there was anything he could do about the stove before calling a repairman. Much to his surprise, not only was the stove intact, but Sasori was nowhere to be seen.

"Fourteen minutes and twenty-two seconds," a velvety voice purred behind him. Well scratch the last part of his assessment…

Kakuzu spun around to see a clearly high Sasori smiling at him while eating a bag of BBQ chips. "Honestly, I'll never understand why you didn't go out for track back in high school. You probably could've gotten a nice scholarship."

"Why is my stove still in one piece, and why should I leave you that way?"

"You're a terrible liar and terribly polite," Sasori explained through a mouthful of chips. "If I hadn't made up some drastic excuse, you would've stuck around for Kami knows how much longer. You ought to thank me."

"And why are you high in my kitchen, eating my chips?" Kakuzu went on, not about to let Sasori out of this so easily.

"You called me when I was painfully sober," Sasori explained with a frown. "I had to get some 'inspiration' for a good excuse, and that brought on the munchies. Mm, back to the couch…"

"You better be out of here by the time Hidan gets home," Kakuzu warned, though there was no real bite to his words. Kami, that kid was turning him into such a pushover.

"Mhm," Sasori agreed, sinking into a blissful state of not giving a damn. The banker could only sigh and skulk around the kitchen. May as well get started on dinner.

-m-

Several hours later, when Sasori had vacated the premise and Kakuzu had gone through half a bottle of air freshener to try and get the smell out, Hidan finally came back to the apartment. "Oi, dumbass, I'm back."

"Dinner's on the stove," Kakuzu called from the living room, busy checking his dating profile for any new messages. Most were crazies or full of grammar mistakes, and those went straight into the recycle bin. A few looked promising, but then again, so had today's contender, and that had turned out to be a minor disaster. "How was last night?" he asked, still not looking away from the computer.

"Not bad," Hidan answered, walking into the living room, presumably with food in his hands. "We ate, we gamed, we passed out. Normal shit." Kakuzu heard the sound of cutlery moving across a plate, followed by a slight hiss. "Fuck…"

Kakuzu looked up and was surprised (more like horrifyingly shocked) to see that Hidan's hair was a mess, and both hands sported bruised or scraped knuckles. The Jashinist was currently tending to one of his injured hands, and had probably sworn while trying to rub dirt out of the wound. "Hidan, what the hell happened?"

The zealot looked up at Kakuzu; apparently he looked worse than he originally thought upon returning home, if Kakuzu's reaction was anything to go by. "I may have gotten into a fight with a jackass on the way home-"

"Hidan-"

"It wasn't at school and no one else saw! Jashin damnit, it's no big deal," Hidan grumbled, stabbing his food with more force than necessary.

Kakuzu shook his head and began rubbing his temples with his thumb and forefinger, a gesture that was becoming more and more frequent when Hidan was present. He knew the kid was trying to do well, but if he got into brawls like this outside of school, there was a good chance that the violence could overflow into his school life. It wasn't like this was the first time Hidan came home, covered in scrapes-

Something clicked in Kakuzu's head then. "Hidan, the person you fought…"

"Yeah?" Hidan asked through a mouthful of ham.

"Was it the same person that beat you up the last time?"

Hidan managed to inhale his dinner at the inquiry, doubling over and choking. Kakuzu was on the other side of the room in a heartbeat, thumping the kid on the back until a half-chewed wad of meat went flying across the room. "Fucking gross."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Hidan frowned at the miser's persistence, but finally shook his head. "No. Completely different asshole this time. Fucking pussy couldn't even take a punch before he ran off crying…"

"Hidan, what are you doing that keeps landing you in these fights?" Kakuzu wearily groaned.

Wrong thing to say.

Hidan shoved the banker away from him, magenta eyes alight with a raw fury Kakuzu had never seen before. "I didn't do a Jashin-damned thing to them, ok?! They're just a bunch of weak, lousy fuckers that think because someone's smaller or doesn't look too strong, they can just walk all over them all Jashin-damned day!"

"I didn't mean-"

But Hidan was far from finished. "Is that really what you think, asshole?! That if I come home all beat up, that I did something to get my ass kicked?! Hell, why not just say I probably deserved it, huh?!"

"I'm not saying that!"

"Like fuck you're not!" Hidan screamed, throwing his plate at Kakuzu only to miss and inadvertently smash it against the wall with a great shattering noise. The zealot was shaking now, and Kakuzu could only gape at him with wide eyes. He'd never seen Hidan snap so completely before; his comments had clearly hit a raw nerve. "I'm getting out of here," Hidan growled, snatching up his backpack and turning to go.

"No you're not," Kakuzu stated, tackling the younger male and bodily pinning him to the couch. He had no idea how or why he moved so quickly; his body was riding on autopilot, mind still too befuddled to be of much use.

Hidan naturally struggled and kicked at the miser, but Kakuzu was both bigger and stronger than him, ensuring that the little zealot wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. "Jashin damnit, get the hell off of me!"

"No!"

"Why not?!"

"Because the last time you left like this, you came home looking like crap," Kakuzu spat out, trying to keep calm. "And believe it or not, it bothers me when you get hurt. That is why I'm upset when you get into fights, Hidan." By now the Jashinist had stopped struggling so violently, so Kakuzu scooted back and allowed the teen to sit up.

Hidan quickly moved to the far side of the couch and curled up into a fetal position, looking away from the miser. Kakuzu didn't move closer to the boy, but he didn't show any signs of moving farther away. The only sounds were quiet pants as Hidan tried to catch his breath, and the near-silence was unbearable. Kakuzu was fairly certain he could've cut the tension in the room with the carving knife in the kitchen, still dirty from preparing their dinner. And then, a new sound cut through the air, sending Kakuzu's heart right down to his shoes.

Hidan was crying. Soft sniffling noises with only a few tears, but he was still crying all the same. "I hate you," he whispered between sniffles. "You love me but won't let me love you. You set all these expectations for me, and for some Jashin-damned reason I want to meet them, and then when shit like this happens, you give me _that fucking look_ and I want to crawl into a hole and die." Hidan buried his face against his knees, voice shaking now and threatening to crack as he spoke. "Why the hell couldn't you have just punched me that night at the bank, huh? At least then I could've just written you off as another asshole and gone on my merry fucking way. Jashin damnit…" his voice trailed off into quiet sobs, and he showed no signs of looking towards Kakuzu again in the near future.

Kakuzu was at a complete loss for what to do right now. Hidan hated him? Well join the club, he hated himself for causing this mess. Still unsure of what actions he should take to remedy this situation, the miser rose from his seat and walked over to the broken remains of Hidan's plate, trying to pick up the largest pieces he could before fetching a broom to clean up the rest. All the time Hidan remained on the couch, no longer crying but still shaking. Once the glass was picked up, Kakuzu got a wet rag and began scrubbing the food stains from the floor, wishing that he could say or do something to fix Hidan, and not just the hardwood flooring.

By the time he'd rinsed out the rag in the kitchen and reentered the living room, Hidan had flopped down onto his side and pulled a blanket tightly around him. Part of Kakuzu wanted to sit down beside him and apologize, maybe rub a few circles into his back to stop the Jashinist from shaking. But Hidan would probably shrink away from such kindnesses, maybe even interpret them as pity; so instead, the banker shut off the lights and said, "Please don't leave tonight." There was some shuffling under the covers, and finally a muffled affirmative snuck out, promising that the Jashinist wouldn't leave. Uncertain and confused as ever, Kakuzu left Hidan alone and went to his bedroom.

Sinking down onto his mattress, the miser swore to himself. What the hell had he been thinking back then, to take in Hidan? To push the kid into going back to school, and indirectly make him get a job? Kakuzu sighed and buried his face in his hands. Why was it any of his business what Hidan did or didn't do anyway? It was so incredibly stupid of him, this whole ordeal. But now that he'd made Hidan a part of his life, he couldn't stand the idea of letting the zealot fall back into society's poor graces. And it didn't help that he was falling for the kid harder and harder each day…

An image of his date from earlier that afternoon came to mind, and Kakuzu briefly wished that he could go back in time to that café, when the hardest part of his life was figuring out how to get out of a bad date. Now he was looking at a sleepless night of periodically checking on Hidan to make sure the zealot hadn't snuck off, or at least listening by the door for the sound of Hidan's footsteps.

Kakuzu sighed and settled in on the edge of the mattress, ready for a long night with nothing to keep him company but his thoughts. Who knows? Maybe he'd have a solution for this fiasco in the morning.


	12. Chapter 11

By the time Kakuzu got up for work the next day, Hidan had already taken off for school. The banker sighed and made himself a very strong cup of coffee; the next few days were bound to be awkward between the two of them. But what was he supposed to do? Hidan kept coming home with injuries and refused to explain how he'd gotten them. It would be enough to set anyone on edge, and Hidan's temperamental nature did nothing but compound the problem. What was Kakuzu supposed to think, or say to him?

Sipping his coffee, Kakuzu's eyes traveled to the bits of broken plate sitting on top of the garbage, a testament to last's night argument. That was another thing; no matter how you looked at it, Hidan had grossly overreacted last night when Kakuzu implied that the Jashinist had somehow been partially to blame for his disheveled state. Hidan had never lashed out at the miser like that, even when Kakuzu had hit other sore spots before. Something was going on in Hidan's life that was damaging the younger male, mind and body, and Kakuzu didn't like it one bit.

Kakuzu was shaken out of his musings by the sound of his phone beeping. Flipping it open, he discovered a text message from Hidan, which read "Can I stay with Deidara tonight?"

Kakuzu was hesitant to grant the request, but knew that Hidan probably needed a bit more time before he'd be ready to talk about their dispute. Hell, he needed more time to figure out what to say. The banker texted back an affirmative, finished his coffee, and then went to get dressed for work. Hopefully they could work this out.

-one week later-

"Kakuzu?" Tsunade asked, gently placing her hand on the younger man's shoulder to get his attention.

"Mrr."

"That's not a real word, Kakuzu. I don't think that's even a real sound."

"Mrr."

The blonde sighed and shook her head. "Look, how about instead of growling at me and all the customers that come in, you just tell me what's gotten you all riled up this time. Or do I even need to ask?"

"It's Hidan," Kakuzu stated, even though he was fairly certain that Tsunade had already figured that part out. Truthfully, he didn't have much of a social life beyond his time with Sasori, and considering that most of the redhead's activities were morally and/or legally questionable, it was usually safer for him to just talk about Hidan with her. "He's been AWOL for a week. Well, not AWOL, but pretty damn close."

"You're going to need to elaborate on that."

"He keeps texting me that he's going to be out late, or with a friend, or something like that, and I haven't seen him once all week."

"Sounds like the kid has a social life," Tsunade reasoned. "It's healthy for boys his age to go out and have a little fun. Besides, his grades are still up, aren't they?"

"Well yeah…"

"Then what's the problem?"

Kakuzu shook his head as if to signal he couldn't explain. It was half true; since Tsunade still wasn't aware of his and Hidan's living arrangement, and was completely in the dark about Hidan coming home injured on several occasions, he really and truly couldn't explain the full extent of the problem to her. Hidan may have been out late doing Kami knows what, but Kakuzu had still been coming home to a fridge missing food, Hidan's laundry in the washer or dryer, and the couch messed up as though someone had slept on it. The kid was coming by the apartment, at least for a little while, but it was looking more and more like Hidan was trying to avoid him.

"Hey, cheer up," Tsunade crooned, seeing her employee was still sullen. "He'll come around, won't he?"

"Maybe."

"Look, why don't you get him a present or something as a peace offering? He's only working part time on minimum wage, so I bet that'd make him happy."

"Sounds like bribery."

"We're bankers, Kakuzu. We think in terms of buying and selling," she reminded him with a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"That still sounds wrong."

"Well he's too young to take out for drinks, so this is the best alternative I can think of. Besides, when was the last time you got the kid something? You're supposed to be a good Big Brother, aren't you?"

"For the record, if the banking career doesn't work out for you, you could have a future in used car sales." Tsunade's only response to this was a triumphant smile as she opened her till to count the money inside.

-m-

Kakuzu eventually decided that Tsunade may have had a valid point, and that maybe Hidan did deserve some sort of gift, considering he'd been good to his word to behave in school and keep his grades up. The miser didn't want to get clothes for the kid (or endure the stares of the cashiers when he purchased clothing several sizes too small for himself), and he couldn't for the life of him remember what kind of video games Hidan played, so he settled on getting the Jashinist another book. And so, as soon as Tsunade had been convinced that a night out drinking with her was not the best idea for his well-being, Kakuzu set off towards the bookstore Hidan had previously taken him to, all the while trying not to think too hard about the fact that he was essentially attempting to bribe a minor to come back to his apartment with him. Kami, if the cops ever got wind of this…

It took a bit of searching, since Kakuzu had a general idea of where the old man's store was but couldn't recall the exact location. Finally the banker came across a store with numerous cardboard boxes stacked in front of it, filled to the brim with water damaged harlequin romance novels. This, along with a vague recognition of the storefront, finally gave him the courage to go inside and confirm his theory that this was his target location.

Sure enough, the old man who'd sold him and Hidan the books before was behind the counter, glaring towards the back of the store and tapping his foot. "Damn that plumber…since when does five minutes turn into two hours?! If he thinks I'm paying him for that, I'll put those books right up his-"

"Excuse me," Kakuzu interrupted. "Is there a problem?"

The old man jumped and turned around to face Kakuzu, wincing as several of his joints popped from the suddenness of the movement. "Dang it, didn't your parents teach you not to sneak up on old folks like me?!"

"Sorry."

The storekeeper sighed and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "It's all right. Sorry, but I've got a bit of a problem in my backroom right now, in case the boxes out front didn't give it away."

"I noticed," Kakuzu admitted. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Thanks for the offer, but there's nothing you or I can do right now, or else I'd be doing it. The plumbing in this shithole's older than me, and one of the pipes finally gave up the ghost today. Burst all over my storage room and wrecked a good portion of my stock before I got the damn thing shut off. Now I've got no water and a whole lotta ruined merchandise." The old man stopped his rant, and instead stuck his hand out to Kakuzu. "My name's Tazuna, by the way. Anything I can help you with? Most of the stuff in the front part of the store's still perfectly fine."

"I'm Kakuzu," the miser replied, shaking the offered hand, "And I was wondering if-"

"RAWW! Fresh latte, hold the whipped crème! RAWW!"

Kakuzu nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden interjection, his eyes quickly darting around to locate the source of the noise. It appeared that the interjection had come from a small African grey parrot, which was hopping along the floor of its cage and pecking at the bits of melon in its food bowl.

"And if the stress from waiting for this damn plumber to finish doesn't kill me, that stupid bird's squawking will!" Tazuna turned away from both Kakuzu and the bird to face the storage room, and cupping his hands around his mouth yelled out, "Oi, kid, your budgie won't shut up!"

"Jashin damnit," a very familiar Jashinist snapped, emerging from the backroom with another box in hand, "I told you before, it's a parrot! Your ass is going senile, old man!"

"Why you-"

"Hidan?" Kakuzu asked, very confused. "What's going on? Why are you here? And…did he just say that that's your bird?"

"…Aw shit."

-some time later-

"Geez, Tazuna's gonna rip me a new one for taking off early," Hidan muttered to himself.

Kakuzu seriously doubted this would be the case; despite their apparent hostilities, the banker had a feeling that deep down, the two of them had bonded over the many months Hidan had been frequenting the book shop. Right now, however, the banker needed answers to numerous questions his visit to the book shop had brought up. And so, after asking Tazuna if Hidan could have the rest of the afternoon off, Kakuzu had taken the two of them to the old greasy spoon diner down the street to get both a bite to eat, and hopefully extract some answers over the course of the meal. "Mind explaining what all that was about back there?" Kakuzu asked, hoping that his tone wasn't coming off as hostile. The banker was honestly wondering exactly what was going on, and was far too confused by current circumstances to be angry at Hidan.

Hidan sighed and sipped at his soda, shaking his head at the miser. "I don't know where the hell to start…"

"How about why you're working for Tazuna now, instead of at that café?" Kakuzu didn't want to add anything else to that question, despite the nagging worry in the back of his head that Hidan might have gone off the handle on a customer and gotten fired.

"Café's closed," Hidan answered bluntly. "Sonya's parents are getting too old to take care of themselves or whatever, so she and her jackass husband sold the property and moved upstate. Word on the street is that the new owners are turning it into a nail salon or some shit." At this point their food arrived, and Hidan practically inhaled half his burger before continuing. "Anyway, I didn't want to have to come home and explain that I'm suddenly without a source of income, so I went job hunting. And wouldn't you know it, old man Tazuna was willing to hire me."

"Might I ask why?"

"Hell if I know. He said something about me being in the store so much I might as well just work there, one thing led to another, and suddenly, BAM! I've got a job again!"

"That still doesn't explain the parrot," Kakuzu noted sternly, though inwardly he was incredibly relieved. At least Hidan hadn't been fired from his last job, and hey, the kid had even taken the initiative to try and find work somewhere else right off the bat. There were people his own age who still couldn't do that. Kakuzu's respect for Hidan just went up a bit.

"Yeah, about that…"

"Hidan, what did you do?"

"Nothing! Well, it wasn't any illegal shit, I swear. Sonya's parents can't handle the bird's dandruff, so she asked me to take care of him because none of their dumbass friends wanted the damn thing, so I said I would, because Jashin damnit, she gave me my first job and karma's kinda been a bitch to us lately, so I'm not taking any chances."

"Fair enough," Kakuzu agreed. The higher powers did seem to be having a field day screwing around with them, and tempting the fates never seemed to end well for either the miser or the zealot.

"Back to the parrot," Hidan continued through a mouthful of French fries. "I kinda didn't know how you'd take to a new pet, so I've been hiding him out at the bookstore until I could come up with something to say that wouldn't piss you off. But then your stupid ass came in today, so…congrats, we've had our first pet! It's a boy. Praise Jashin."

"I take it that's why you've been avoiding me all week?" Kakuzu asked a little too hopefully.

"Well yeah dumbass, why else would…oh."

Kakuzu poked at his food, going over what he wanted to say in his head one last time before he finally spoke. "It wasn't a small fight, Hidan. We need to talk about it, and now's as good a time as any. For what it's worth, I'm sorry I upset you. I wasn't planning to upset you like that."

"Look, I know I went overboard with that," Hidan muttered, looking at his plate. "I swear I won't freak out like that again. It's just really touchy for me, ok? Especially since things are kinda weird between us right now."

"No kidding."

"And I told you I'd tell you everything eventually; show some Jashin damned patience, all right? And I guess I'm sorry. Even if it's mostly your fault for being such a dumbass heathen."

"All right." Kakuzu didn't want to admit it, but clearing the air like this had taken a huge weight off his shoulders. At least he knew he wasn't the cause for Hidan's absence as of late. But as to the actual cause; well, he needed to address that. "Now about the bird-"

"Please tell me we can keep it."

Kakuzu gave the Jashinist a flat look, which grew even flatter when the zealot's hand shot out to snatch a handful of fries off his plate. "Hidan, the lease at our apartment expressly forbids pets."

"Then explain why the manager keeps that giant monkey that's loud as hell and smells like our laundry by the end of the week!"

"That's his wife, Hidan."

"No, that's what the jackass wants you to believe, dumbass."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes but chose not to push Hidan further. "Hidan, if he finds the parrot, he can void the lease, and that will be the second time in twelve months that you'll have gotten me thrown out of my own apartment."

"So we hide the bird," Hidan countered. "We keep the cover on the cage at night, and leave the TV on during the day so no one figures it out!"

"Sometimes I really do wonder how one person can be so smart and so stupid at the same time."

"Fuck you 'Kuzu. C'mon, if we can't keep Fritters I have to take him to shelter!"

"What kind of a name is Fritters?"

"It's the name the Jashin-damned thing came with," Hidan shrugged. "Seriously, I'll clean his cage and buy his food with my own money, and if worst case scenario happens, I'll get us a new apartment, damnit. I've done it before, I can do it again."

Kakuzu rubbed his temples and took a long drink of his water before answering. "Fine. But if we're thrown out, Fritters is going to become fritters."

"Eww."

"Shut up and finish your fries. Hey, don't eat mine!" Hidan was not to be deterred from his goal so easily, and began an all out assault on Kakuzu's remaining French fries. The battle became rowdier and rowdier, with patrons turning to watch the fight until Hidan emerged the victor with a mouthful of potato-based goodness. After that, the waitress was quick to bring them their check and shoo them out the door.

"Ok dumbass, you got your answers already," Hidan stated, walking alongside Kakuzu on the way back to the bookstore to pick up Fritters. "Now it's my turn."

"What do you need an answer to?" the banker inquired, truly curious.

"What the hell were you doing in old man Tazuna's store? That's waaaay out of your way to go home, so I know you went there for a reason."

Oh. Lovely, now Kakuzu was going to have to try and explain his attempt at bribery in a non-weird kind of way. "You've been doing well lately, so I figured I'd get a book or something for you."

"Aww, you were being all sentimental and shit!" Hidan laughed, enjoying the opportunity to taunt the miser.

"Shut up or I'll leave you out in the rain tonight," Kakuzu threatened. It was a legitimate threat; the skies had been clouding up all day, and if the rain didn't start tonight, there would definitely be some showers early the next day.

Hidan, however, was not phased in the least by such warnings. "Tch, the hell you would, _mother bear_." Hidan had to duck to avoid a swipe at his head, grinning ear to ear at Kakuzu all the while. "And here I thought the old bastard's reflexes were bad. You need to work out more, dumbass."

"That's it, you and your parrot are staying in the rain tonight."

"Hey wait! You're not serious, are you?! Aw come on, dumbass, I was just messing with you!" And so it came to pass that Kakuzu found himself walking down the street on a Thursday night, a teenager clinging to his sleeve and begging to sleep on his couch, while they made their way to a hole in the wall bookstore to pick up a parrot that had a habit of spouting off specialty coffees.

Strangely enough, the miser was just fine with this.


	13. Chapter 12

Kakuzu needn't have worried over their landlord finding the bird, because they were kicked out three days later for entirely different reasons.

The trouble all began bright and early on Sunday morning, when a knock at the door forced the miser to get out of bed when he'd much rather have stayed put. Hidan, for obvious reasons, wasn't allowed to answer their door when an expected visitor knocked, and in case it was someone very important like the police or someone from the fire department informing them of a gas leak in the building, Kakuzu always answered. The miser quickly pulled on a nearby t-shirt and sweatpants, blearily stumbled his way out the bedroom and through the living room (going right past a still slumbering Hidan), Kakuzu at last reached the door and opened it to see who could be visiting them this early on his day off.

While not a policeman or fireman, the man outside the apartment was wearing a rather nice suit and carried an official looking envelope in his hands, and nothing about him seemed the least bit cheerful or friendly. He hadn't been smiling when Kakuzu opened the door, nor did he make an effort to look more pleasant now. Something was clearly amiss. "Can I help you?"

"Mr. Bernat, correct?"

"Yes, that's my name."

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Mr. Bernat, but you're being evicted."

Kakuzu took a minute to steady himself internally, praying that some mistake had been made. Had they found out about Hidan? Was he going to be taken to jail? "Might I ask why?"

"You needn't look so anxious," the lawyer stated, lips curling back at the sight. Clearly this man dealt with unseemly characters all the time, and chalked Kakuzu up as another ne'er-do-well guilty of something and hiding it. "It's nothing to do with you. The owners have recently been arrested for several felony charges, and as a result they are no longer able to run these apartments. The building's already been sold to a new owner, and he's sent me to inform the residents that they need to clear out in two weeks, as of one week ago last Thursday."

"You're giving me four days to move out and find a new apartment?!" Kakuzu snapped, rage quickly replacing any worry lurking within him.

"Preferably sooner than that," the lawyer replied snippily. "You will of course be reimbursed for this month's remaining rent, and the lease will be terminated in a manner not damaging to your credit. All the details are here in this folder (and here he handed the official looking envelope to Kakuzu). Do have a nice day." Kakuzu didn't even try to feign civility and slammed the door in the man's face. Even if it wasn't the lawyer's fault that he was being evicted, the man still could have been a bit more tactful about it.

At that moment, it finally sank in that he and Hidan were about to be booted onto the streets. Strangely though, Kakuzu felt neither panic nor anxiety over this turn of events. Living with Hidan had taught him to take unexpected twists in fate in stride, and he'd already been kicked out of one apartment in the last year, so what was another one now? Besides, this time the miser actually had a viable plan B for living arrangements until they could find a new home, so they weren't completely up a creek without a paddle. Deciding to worry about that a bit later, Kakuzu set the folder on the table and walked over to the coffee pot to brew a fresh pot. No one should have to deal with all this nonsense so early in the day without the sweet embrace of caffeine to guide them through it.

Around the time the coffee pot was percolating, Hidan got up and stumbled into the kitchen, yawning as he combed pale fingers through tangled silver hair. "The hell was that about?" he slurred, falling into his seat at the table and making 'gimme!' motions with his hands to indicate he wanted a cup of coffee as well.

Kakuzu decided to be a merciful soul today and gave Hidan a steaming mug of java before breaking the bad news to him. Or maybe the miser just wanted a few gulps of coffee himself before dealing with Hidan's inevitable yelling about the situation. Either way, waiting for Hidan to have a few sips was beneficial to both of them. "Apparently the law finally caught up to our landlords," Kakuzu explained. "They're rotting in a prison cell somewhere, and we're being booted out."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Hidan demanded, gesticulating wildly with his hands and nearly sending coffee flying all over the kitchen.

"RAW! Fresh espresso, coming in for a landing!"

"Shut up Fritters," Hidan growled to the bird, whose cage was currently residing on an end table just outside the kitchen. "Though I guess it doesn't matter now if the assholes hear him or not."

"Considering they're only giving us four days to move, that's probably accurate."

"WHAT?!"

"Why are you so loud so early? Don't teenagers hate mornings?"

"Why aren't you freaking out like me?!" Hidan demanded, slamming the coffee mug onto the table. "We're being kicked to the curb, dumbass! We're about to end up back in that shithole motel I found you in the last time this happened, and in case you didn't know, that's going to look really shady with you and I staying in the same room! Holy Jashin, what'll they think when they see the parrot…"

"Before your mind can get any further into the gutter-"

"Fuck you!"

"you should know we're not going to a motel," Kakuzu finished. "I was there last time because I didn't have anyone to stay with, and that's no longer the case. Fate has to cut us a break every now and then, I guess."

"What, you're saying we actually have a place to crash this time that doesn't smell like ass?"

"Depends on how generous my friend is feeling," Kakuzu admitted. "And there's a good chance we'd be safer at the motel than with him…"

"What do you mean?" Hidan inquired warily.

"Trust me, if you're in the same room as him for more than five minutes at a time, you'll know," Kakuzu explained. Checking the clock and deciding it was just late enough in the morning to call without being rude, the miser excused himself and went to the bedroom to find his cell phone and make the call. Hitting #3 on speed dial, the miser waited as the phone rang several times, before the other line picked up. "Hey, Sasori? It's Kakuzu. Listen, I have a huge favor to ask."

- several hours later-

"How the hell are we going to get all our stuff to his place?" Hidan demanded, lugging a duffle bag over one shoulder and holding Fritters' cage in the other hand. "It's like twenty Jashin-damned blocks to walk here!"

"We'll carry the lighter stuff and get a taxi for the rest of it," Kakuzu explained. "I have no idea what we're going to do about the furniture though; I don't remember Sasori having a car or anything we could use to haul it to his old storage locker."

"That's another thing; you haven't told me anything about this Sasori guy. You sure we can trust him?"

"I've known him since middle school, Hidan. He's one of the few people in the world that I'd describe as being my friend without being sarcastic or outright lying."

"So what's he like?"

Kakuzu needed a few minutes to figure out the best way he could describe Sasori without upsetting or confusing the kid. "He's a sturdy door, but some of the hinges are loose."

"The hell does that mean?"

"You'll understand once you meet him, promise. Look, we're at his building now."

The building in question was a rather nice skyscraper, around twenty stories tall and surrounded by buildings of equal stature. There was a middle-aged doorman with a pleasant enough smile standing at the entrance to get the door for them, and the interior was well-lit and heavily decorated with marble.

Hidan let out a whistle as they walked down the hall towards the elevators, feet thumping audibly against the polished marble floor. "Damn 'Kuzu, you didn't mention this guy had money."

"Hidan, this place really isn't that fancy. Try going to the east coast sometime if you want to see something impressive."

"He's still better off than us, isn't he? Oooh, what floor's he on?"

"The 16th, and why?"

"That's how you know how rich the fucker is, by how high up they live. He's a semi-rich 16th floor guy; we're poor 3rd floor folks."

"Since when did you become so wise in the ways of money?"

Hidan shrugged. "You're probably rubbing off on me."

"RAW! Lemon-lime Sublime Shake, 50% off!"

"Fritters too. Damn, you're a bad influence. Kind of a jackass too."

"Need I remind you that you're indirectly responsible for this most recent eviction?" Kakuzu retorted as they stepped into the elevator and hit the button for the appropriate floor.

"How the hell is this my fault?!"

"If you hadn't gotten me kicked out of apartment #1, I'd still be living there, nice and cozy without a care in the world (aside from you and your constant fiascos) and never would have had to deal with being booted out of apartment #2." Hidan had a rather colorful retort lined up against that accusation, but the elevator dinged softly to let them know they'd arrived at their destination, and the boy's attention was immediately diverted back to finding out who exactly it was that they were staying with, and more importantly what kind of home he kept.

Kakuzu stepped out onto the polished wood floor and took a crumpled sticky note out of his pocket to read the address once more, just to be certain they were in the right place. "Right street, right building, and right floor. Now we just need to find Apartment 1620."

Hidan was already wandering down the hallway, reading off the numbers to himself before finally stopping in front of one of the doors. "Found it!" he called back to the miser, impatiently tapping his foot as he waited for Kakuzu to catch up. "C'mon, dumbass, move it!"

"Calm down, Kakuzu," the banker murmured to himself. "No good will come of imagining throwing Hidan out of the windows here. Besides, they probably screw them shut from the outside anyway." Eventually the miser caught up to Hidan and knocked on the door, waiting patiently for his friend to answer.

A few moments later the duo heard the approach of footsteps to the door, followed by the sound of a latch being undone, and finally the door swinging back to reveal a sleepy-looking redhead.

Sasori poked his head out the door, looking the newcomers up and down for a bit before finally speaking. "I might have been high at the time, but I seem to recall that you two had a couch and a rather nice kitchen table."

"Still back at the apartment," Kakuzu explained as Sasori held the door open and allowed them to walk inside. "I don't suppose you have a car or anything we could borrow to move them to your storage locker?"

"I'm out of the country more than in," Sasori answered with a shrug. "No point in having a vehicle when I can afford to take taxis here."

"Dude, you seriously live here?!" Hidan gasped, staring slack-jawed into the rest of the apartment.

Sasori may have only lived on the 16th floor, but his décor indicated he probably could've lived a lot higher up in the building, so to speak. Every one of his furnishings was modern, state of the art, and looked like something a millionaire would be proud to own: stainless steel appliances in the kitchen, Mahogany tables and chairs in the dining room, black leather couches and chairs in the living room, and a plasma TV mounted on the wall that was almost as big as Kakuzu's couch. The far side of the apartment was floor to ceiling glass instead of walls, and a mini bar in the corner was composed of an art deco freezer and fridge behind a glass bar, which itself was filled with tropical fish and what had to have been at least a hundred gallons of salt water. Numerous paintings hung on the walls going down a hallway to rooms out of sight for now, and here and there statues and figurines were posed on pedestals to be admired by any who cared to look. And this was just the downstairs; Hidan could see a spiral staircase directly ahead against the windowed wall, indicating that Sasori had also bought the apartment above him and remodeled that as well.

"I know, I've been meaning to redecorate for ages," Sasori lamented with a resigned shake of his head. "But I've been worried about the show in Sunagakure too much to even pick up a catalogue. And Clarice is too busy redecorating the villa in Italy-"

"You have another apartment?! Like this?!"

"Obviously," Sasori replied. "What am I supposed to do if a show takes place in Europe? Sleep in some hostel like a peasant?"

"How much…how many…dear Jashin, who'd you kill to get all this money?"

Kakuzu groaned and face-palmed at Hidan's stupidity; Sasori, to his credit, merely smirked at the inquiry and led the two into his living room, instructing them to drop their things and take a break before unpacking. "I'm an artist, brat. And a rather well-known one to boot. People with far too much money like to pay far, _far_ too much money for the paintings and wood-carvings I create, and it lets me live like this."

"That reminds me; how did that painting you were working on turn out?" Kakuzu asked, watching as his friend walked back into the kitchen to get them refreshments.

"You're going to need to be a bit more specific."

"That autumn-ish one. With the weird frame."

"Awful," Sasori snapped as he poured glasses of ice water for them. "The color was wrong, the subject was impossible…I had to stop working on it before it was halfway done, or else I would've burned the damn thing in the fireplace. Probably would've been pretty, then."

"Holy Jashin, the fireplace is bigger than our bathroom!"

"But some poor little rich boy wanted to stop by and see me at work," Sasori went on, bringing the beverages into the living room and handing them to his guests. "He saw the painting and declared it to be an incredible statement on how the new generation can't finish anything because their attention spans are too short to sit down long enough to create anything of true value. He ended up leaving with the painting, and I ended up raking in a hundred grand for what has to be my worst piece to date. Sometimes I feel bad, taking advantage of stupidity like that. But dear Kami, that particular brand of stupidity had such a nice looking-"

"Dude," Hidan gasped. "Even the water tastes better!"

"Will you stop acting like a hillbilly that's just discovered civilization," Kakuzu snapped. "Honestly Hidan, money makes everything better, so why are you so surprised?"

"Wise words from one of my top investors," Sasori grinned, sipping his beverage.

"Investors?"

"O-ho, Kakuzu hasn't told you much about me, has he?" Hidan shook his head, prompting Sasori to go on. "Early on in my career, I wasn't doing terribly well in the financial department. I asked Kakuzu nicely for a bit of a loan-"

"More like pestered incessantly," Kakuzu growled under his breath.

"-and eventually got him to lend me a few thousand dollars, with the understanding that if my artistic endeavors panned out, he'd get a cut of the profits. A week later I sold most of my paintings to a rather rich blabbermouth who couldn't help bragging about me to all her friends. Long story short, I became an overnight sensation, and Kakuzu gets 10% net profits from all my sales."

"10%...wait a minute, that means Kakuzu should be loaded right now!" Hidan jerked to his head to look at the miser, demanding an explanation. "Why the hell are you living like a pauper, dumbass?!"

"Because a good portion of those profits have going into paying off student loans," Kakuzu explained. "College isn't cheap, and graduate school less so."

"Oh."

"Changing the subject now." Kakuzu set his glass on a nearby coaster and stood up, stretching his back and popping several vertebrae in the process. "We need to head back to the apartment and get what we can, before it gets too dark to move anything else. Sasori, do you know any moving companies that are cheap and reliable?"

"The ones I use for my shows are reliable, but that's because they're not cheap. Let me hire someone for you, Kakuzu; a treat from an old friend."

"Fine. Do you mind us leaving the budgie here while we move the rest of the stuff?"

"It's a parrot, dumbass!"

"RAW, sludge on a bun, RAWW!"

"What a pretty thing," Sasori murmured, watching Fritters as he scratched his beak against his perch. "Would you mind if I dipped his wingtips in paint and let him fly around the studio for a bit? It could provide some much-needed inspiration for me-"

"Not a chance in hell," Kakuzu interjected. "The bird stays put, Sasori."

"You're far too uptight for your own good," Sasori lamented, gathering the glasses and taking them into the kitchen.

"And you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Come on Hidan." With that, the miser and zealot left the redhead to cleanup.

Hidan was silent until they got into the elevator, and even then waited a few floors before speaking again. "Hey dumbass?"

"Yes?"

"I think I get what you mean about him having a couple of loose hinges now."

"Just remember, we're going to be living with him until I can get us a new apartment."

"Jashin help us all."


	14. Chapter 13

-one week later-

Hidan rolled out of bed and stretched himself out from head to toe, smiling at some of the more satisfying cracks he heard. Judging from how high the sun was, it was probably close to noon on a Saturday, and that meant that a shower was in good order.

The zealot exited the guest room and went straight to Sasori's linen closet, extracting an extremely fluffy towel before making his way to the bathroom. He couldn't hear anyone else stirring at the moment, and guessed that Sasori and Kakuzu had either stepped out, or were busy in their rooms doing Jashin knows what.

From the first time he'd been allowed to use the bathroom in Sasori's apartment, Hidan had been in love with the setup. There was a huge Jacuzzi-style bath built into the floor in one end of the room, and an elegant tiled shower in the other. Sasori's sink and countertop area were equally huge, and the Akasuna had a vast collection of soaps and shampoos from all over the world, mostly gotten from flattery ("Honestly, all I had to do was tell those ladies how divine they smelled and how I wished I knew where they got their soaps, and they all but threw these at me!"). Hidan had been trying different combinations each day, and this morning settled on a minty shampoo and a woodsy smelling body wash. Choices made, Hidan stripped down and climbed in the shower with his selections. Now for the difficult part.

Despite living here for an entire week, Hidan had yet to figure out the intricacies of Sasori's shower. In the kid's defense, this particular shower had numerous jets of water sticking out from different areas of the wall and about a dozen different dials to go with them, so taking a shower was less like bathing and more like operating a spaceship. "Right, so the one on the left controls temperature…no, it's the one on bottom, because it's right by the pulse controls…Jashin damnit, who the hell buys a shower this fucking complicated?!"

"Hmm, I must've left it in the shower," came a familiar voice.

Hidan had been so busy trying to work out how to start the shower without blasting himself in the face with a jet of icy water, that he'd failed to notice Sasori enter the bathroom and apparently search for a soap or shampoo of some order. He was about to call out to the Akasuna that he was already in here, when Sasori suddenly opened the frosted door of the shower and came face to face with Hidan.

Hidan, to his credit, did not immediately start swearing and punching the redhead, but that may have been due more to his completely mortification and working to shield himself with a washcloth than to any actual self-restraint. Sasori, being Sasori, was completely unfazed to find Hidan in the bathroom this early, and continued to search for his target without shame. "Ah, there it is," Sasori stated, locating his prize on a shelf by Hidan's knees and quickly snatching up the lilac scented shampoo. "I'm going to be in the bath now. Carry on." And with that he shut the door as Hidan progressively turned redder and redder.

-5 seconds later-

"KAKUZUUUUUUUUU!"

"Oh dear Kami," the miser groaned, setting down the apartment classified ads to see what sort of trouble Hidan had gotten himself involved with this time. And on his day off too…

A moment later, however, he wished he hadn't set down the paper when Hidan burst into the kitchen stark naked. "'Kuzu, that bastard-"

"Kami, Hidan, why aren't you wearing pants?!" the banker demanded as he shielded his eyes.

"Bite me, I was just traumatized!" Hidan snapped, albeit he did reach for a nearby dishtowel to cover himself.

"By what, dare I ask?"

"Your dumbass friend just walked into the bathroom and grabbed his soap out of the Jashin-damned shower! While I was in it! And then got in his bathtub like it was nothing!"

"That's it?"

"Whaddya mean, 'that's it'?! Do something, dumbass!"

"Hidan, Sasori is many things, but a person who preys on teenage boys is not one of them. I'm sure you startled him more with your yelling than he did getting his soap."

"You still need to do something!"

"What do you want me to tell him? 'Sasori, you have besmirched the honor of my young ward, and I'm here for a duel to the death to reclaim what was lost?' Something along those lines, hm?"

"Fuck you!"

Kakuzu sighed and rose from his seat. "Will you stop yelling if I ask him to knock in the future?"

"Maybe. I want pancakes too. With chocolate chips cooked in."

"Why do I even put up with you?" Kakuzu grumbled as he exited the kitchen to speak to Sasori. On one hand, he didn't really feel that it was his place to tell Sasori that he needed to knock on doors in his own apartment. On the other hand, if this happened a few more times the neighbors would start to complain, and then both Kakuzu and Sasori would have the problem of the law frowning on a teenager living with full-grown men. Knocking twice before getting permission to come in, Kakuzu entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him, lest the heat escape.

Sasori was submerged up to his neck in the bath, surrounded by purplish-pink bubbles that were threatening to overflow onto the tiles nearby. "To what to I owe this visit?" Sasori inquired.

"Apparently Hidan was attempting to take a shower a few moments ago, when you came in and…possibly saw him naked."

"Don't worry, the kid covered himself up as soon as he saw me," Sasori assured. "Besides, as soon as I got my shampoo, I was in the tub taking a bubble bath. He ran out of here screaming a moment ago, but I'm gathering you already figured that much out."

"Why do you even have bubble bath?"

"It was given to me by a remote tribe of Buddhist monks living on the fringe of the Himalayas. Or some tart in a back alley after a show in Naples. One or the other."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes; that sounded about right for his friend. "Hidan wants me to ask you to knock in the future-"

"Any other time I would've, but in order to keep my art in top form, I simply must take a bubble bath at 12:30 p.m. on Saturdays. And eat these little hotdogs wrapped in bacon while I do so," the Akasuna added, popping said bacon-weenie into his mouth with a pleased look on his face.

"You're insane, you do realize."

"Technically my income level is high enough that I'm not considered crazy, just eccentric." Seeing the miser still looking surly, Sasori sighed as he nibbled another treat. "Fine, if it will make the brat feel better, I'll knock in the future. Just keep him out of here on Saturday afternoons, understand?"

"Got it. Well, I'll leave you to your hedonism then."

"Thank you. Oh, and Kakuzu?"

"Yes?"

"His hair color is natural."

Kakuzu's cheeks flushed red. "You just said-!"

"Oh, I saw the hair on his legs. Why, what did you think I meant?" Sasori grinned as Kakuzu's face grew redder while the miser sputtered several things that were probably meant to be construed as threats. "Why Kakuzu, what a filthy mind you have."

"This is why you don't have any friends!" the miser shouted as he stormed out of the room.

"No friends, hm. Now would that make him the pot, or the kettle?" Shrugging, Sasori grabbed another bacon weenie to munch and sank further into the bath. "Mm. Bubbles."

-later that afternoon-

Deciding that staying in the apartment with Sasori would probably result in further humiliation, Kakuzu and Hidan set out to look at several apartment complexes nearby and see if anything struck their fancy. The first two places were immediately tossed out, since they were both owned by a landlord who was yelled at and chased around the building by an angry, broom-wielding wife. The next one looked nice, but was next to a major roadway, so sleep would probably become an issue very quickly. The last place they had time to view would put them next door to a young couple with a newborn baby, and that sounded less than pleasant to the duo. Thus, Hidan and Kakuzu once again found themselves eating at a cheap burger joint, still homeless and with few prospects that this would change anytime soon. "Well that was a waste of an afternoon," Hidan grumbled into his burger. "Jashin damnit, when are we ever gonna get a break?"

"At least we have Sasori for now," Kakuzu reminded. "Granted, that's becoming less and less of a good thing every day we're living with him…" Shaking his head, the man went back to eating his burger.

"I'll say. Hey, mind if I go over to Deidara's place for a little while tonight? The dumbass forgot we have a report on Monday and needs my help slapping something together so he doesn't fail."

"Fine by me. Just make sure you're back in time for dinner."

-later that afternoon-

"Hey blondie," Hidan greeted as he was let inside the house by Deidara.

"I told you to stop calling me that, un," Deidara growled, closing the door behind his friend. "Thanks for coming over last minute, Hidan.

"What the hell did you think I was gonna do, let you fry?" Deidara shook his head, making the Jashinist smirk. "Exactly. So, where's your laptop?"

"Upstairs in my room, un. Internet sucks in the living room, un." Deidara quickly led Hidan up the stairs and to his room, making sure to shut the door behind him. "I don't want my parents coming in to complain about the noise."

Hidan shrugged and took a seat on Deidara's bed, waiting for the blond to get his laptop. "So, how far have you gotten?"

"A few paragraphs, and most of it's been outlined, un," Deidara informed him as he took a seat next to the Jashinist. "I really just need a second set of eyes to make sure I didn't screw anything up."

Hidan and Deidara spent the next twenty minutes looking over what Deidara had already typed and adding a few more sentences here and there, until at last Hidan declared the paper to be of solid B quality, at least. "Well that wasn't too bad," Hidan admitted as Deidara saved and printed a final copy. "You probably could've finished it yourself."

"I guess, un," Deidara shrugged as he set aside his laptop and returned to his seat by Hidan. "So, what should we do now?"

Hidan leaned back and stretched. "Dunno. Can't stay much longer, or the dumbass will kill me."

"Really?" Deidara pouted, scooting closer. "C'mon, it won't hurt to stay a few more minutes, un. You can leave when my parents get back."

"And what exactly would I do in those few minutes?"

"Well, um…" Deidara moved even closer to Hidan, but couldn't seem to think of anything to say.

"See? It's better if I go ahead and take off so I don't get my ass kicked later."

"All right…"

"Cool. See you at school then." And with that, Hidan was off.

-m-

True to his word, Hidan went straight back to Sasori's apartment, barely making it through to door before Kakuzu cuffed the back of his head. "OW!"

"You're late. Dinner's been on the table for a while now."

"Asshole," Hidan grumbled as he shuffled to the kitchen counter for dinner. "So, what's for dinner?"

"Quiche," Sasori replied, dumping a large slice onto Hidan's plate. "Pure eggy, onion-y goodness in a pastry shell. And if you know what's good for you, little brat, you'll eat it all."

"Yeah yeah," the Jashinist agreed, digging into the meal like a starving dog.

"So, how was studying?" Kakuzu asked as he ate his own quiche slice.

"Not bad. Kinda weird though; Deidara's paper was almost done, so I don't know why the hell he needed me. Then he started some shit about wanting me to hang around with him in his room, but the dumbass didn't have anything planned to do. Besides, I would've had to leave when his parents showed up, so…why are you two looking at me like that?"

Kakuzu and Sasori were both giving Hidan looks of confused disbelief, which had grown more and more intense as the teen's story progressed. "Seriously, what the hell?" Hidan snapped.

"Sasori, you mind handling this?"

"Sure." The redhead took a seat beside a very wary Hidan, wrapping a pale arm around the Jashinist's shoulder. "Hidan, here's what we're hearing. A young blond invited you over to his house under false pretenses. Once the false pretense (by which I mean the paper) was taken care of, he insisted that you stay to do _something_ in his room, and even mentioned that his parents were out of the house, leaving you two all alone. Now, put this all together and you get…?"

You could see the realization dawn on Hidan's face a moment later. "SHIT!" he yelled, slamming a hand onto the countertop.

"Careful, that's genuine marble."

"Double shit!" Hidan cried, clenching his teeth and rubbing his injured hand.

"Ah, to be young and thick as a boulder," Sasori sighed dreamily.

"Fuck you! And fuck you too, 'Kuzu!"

"What the hell did I do?!"

"You gave me permission to go over to Deidara's in the first place, dumbass!"

"What the-you did-oh forget it. Just shut up and eat your quiche."


	15. Chapter 14

Later that evening after Kakuzu and Sasori had finally turned in for the night, Hidan sat up in his bed, turned on the lamp sitting on the bedside table, and uncovered Fritter's cage. "RAWW, shop's closed until morning!"

"Sorry Fritters, but you're the only one here who's not a complete jackass," Hidan explained as he opened the door to the parrot's cage and dropped a few slices of cantaloupe in the food tray as a peace offering. "I just need a sounding board, so you don't even have to fucking say anything, ok?"

"RAWW, all goods half price!"

"Thanks Fritters. It's this whole Deidara thing. I mean, Jashin damnit, if he wanted to kiss me or some shit like that, why the hell didn't he just say it?!" The Jashinist growled and yanked at his hair, knowing full well that it wouldn't help the situation at all. "And now that he's done something like that, we're gonna have to talk about us like _that_, and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna say!"

Hidan rose from the bed at this point and began pacing the room, hoping that his footsteps were quiet enough that he wouldn't awaken Kakuzu or Sasori. The last thing the zealot needed right now was for one of them to walk in on him confessing his deepest anxieties to a talking bird, for Jashin's sake. "I mean, I never really thought of him like that! Ok, maybe once or twice, but it wasn't serious or anything! Damn, even if we do go out, what if we have a messy breakup and I lose my one Jashin-damned friend?"

Fritters merely pecked the cantaloupe.

"And I know what you're thinking; that dumbass Kakuzu said I need to try seeing other people instead of holding out for him, but how do I know I'm doing it because I actually like Deidara and not just so I can tell that dumbass that I actually tried and it didn't work?! Or if it does work, how do I go back to living with the dumbass after I fucking kissed him in the middle of the night?!"

"RAWW, fresh cappuccinos all day long!"

Hidan shook his head; that had not been the answer he was looking for. "Ok, how about this. I don't even think about romance right now, either with Deidara or 'Kuzu. Instead, I worry about getting a place for me and the dumbass to live, and after that figure out what to do. At least it'll buy some time, and maybe get a nice roof over our heads. Don't get me wrong, Fritters, this place is fucking great, but that Sasori guy is a certified psycho-"

"Hidan?"

The Jashinist jumped a good foot straight in the air and let out a rather girly scream, before he spun around to see Kakuzu standing in the middle of the doorway. "What the fucking hell are you fucking doing sneaking up on me like that, you fucking dumbass?!"

Kakuzu made a quick mental note to never startle Hidan in the presence of good company, lest he burn their ears off with that kind of language. "I got up to get some water from the kitchen and saw your light was on. Hidan…are you talking to the parrot?"

"His name is Fritters! And yes. He thinks Sasori is crazy too."

"RAWW! Frappuccino without whipped cream!"

"…I'm going to go to bed now. You will too. This conversation was all a bad dream and never actually happened. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

-several days later-

True to his word, Hidan had completely thrown himself into finding an apartment for himself and Kakuzu to live in. At the moment, Deidara was giving the zealot space, after briefly being told by Hidan that the Jashinist needed more time to think over the situation. Hidan knew that Deidara would eventually want to hear whether or not the two of them could be a couple, or barring that remain friends. Honestly, the Jashinist had no idea what sort of answer he'd give his friend, and was grateful that he had a project at hand to distract his thoughts from this problem.

Kakuzu, likewise, was being given the cold shoulder by Hidan during this time period, something which confused the banker like nothing else. Normally Hidan would look for any reason to be by Kakuzu's side, and now the little zealot couldn't spare more than two words for him at a time? Excuses of hormones and teenagers being unpredictable creatures could only stretch so far, and it wouldn't be long now before Kakuzu would need to confront Hidan about this. Knowing that time was running out, Hidan worked all the more to find an apartment, but so far he'd come across nothing of any great appeal.

Before Kakuzu had a chance to talk this over with Hidan or Deidara could press about their "relationship," Sasori came through for his friends and secured an apartment for them. "It's perfect," the redhead explained over dinner one night. "One of my good friends has finally decided to move out of the country and settle down in a more cultured area."

"Mhm," Kakuzu grunted through a mouthful of pork, deciding not to ask whether the move had less to do with culture and more to do with legal issues. Sasori himself stayed out of trouble (unless you counted running out on one night stands while the poor soul was still asleep in bed), but the same could not be said for the vast majority of his comrades.

"It actually works out really well for you," the artist went on. "He's left behind a great deal of his furnishings, so you can finally toss out those ratty chairs and couch and enjoy the finer things in life."

"How's the rent?"

"All utilities but the electricity included, although it's a teensy tiny bit over your budget. Though to be fair, Kakuzu, if we'd stuck with your maximum cap, the two of you would be living in a slum. And before you ask, it's close enough to the bank and school that the two of you can walk in pleasant weather."

"Can I at least look it over first?" the miser asked, seeing that Sasori was fully prepared to paint this apartment as perfect no matter what was asked. "Contrary to what you and Hidan seem to think, I like looking over my homes before buying them, thank you."

"Hey, the last place turned out ok, didn't it?!" Hidan snapped.

"How about tomorrow?" Sasori suggested as if he hadn't heard a thing. "Hidan, you're out of school, right?"

"Yeah," the zealot confirmed. Tomorrow was a scheduled professional development day for the staff; seven hours of teachers listening to lectures on how to be better teachers, and a whole day free for the kids to stay home and sleep in. Hidan was actually grateful they'd be going apartment hunting tomorrow; at least now if Deidara called and wanted to hang out, he'd have an excuse to turn down his friend. Granted, the Jashinist knew he couldn't keep dodging the blond for the rest of eternity, but for now dodging was still a viable option, and he intended to make full use of it.

The next afternoon found Kakuzu and Hidan following Sasori to a rather nice looking apartment building. It was located in a decent neighborhood familiar to both the banker and zealot, and most of the neighbors seemed polite or quiet, which was just fine by Kakuzu. Still, the miser wasn't about to give Sasori the benefit of victory quite yet, and emphasized to the redhead that no decision would be made until he saw the apartment himself. Sasori, obviously hoping for a warmer response than this, rolled his eyes at the miser and led them up three flights of stairs and down a hall, before stopping at their destination.

Hidan immediately darted inside, eager to look around and see where everything was and how big it would be, whereas Kakuzu hung back and allowed Sasori to lead him through the apartment. "He just redid the kitchen, so all the appliances and pipes work perfectly," Sasori explained as Kakuzu inspected the cabinets for signs of mold or rot. "Marble countertop, stainless steel appliances, everything you could ask for. Granted, you'd have to eat most of your meals at the countertop bar here, since it'd be cramped to squeeze in a full-sized table, but with just the two of you it shouldn't be much of an issue."

"So far so good," Kakuzu admitted. "How's the living room?"

"Mostly furnished. He took his TV with him, so you'll have to replace that, and the couch has a stain on it (don't worry, it's definitely fruit punch, I'd know because I'm the one who spilled it), but other than that, it's fine. You even have a lovely view of the street, and a corner of the park." Kakuzu walked in to the living room, confirming Sasori's statement. The walls were painted brick, giving the area a rather homey feeling. The room was furnished with two armchairs and a couch, plus a low shelving unit that the miser assumed was for a TV. The hardwood floors were unscuffed and unstained, and brought the room together quite nicely.

Kakuzu nodded his approval of the apartment so far, wandering deeper inside and continuing to look around. He noticed Hidan standing in the doorway to a bedroom and decided to get the Jashinist's opinion on the apartment; no point in renting it if Hidan was going to complain about it the whole time they lived in it. "What do you think?" Kakuzu asked. "This the kind of place you would've picked for us?"

"There's two bedrooms," Hidan stated, staring inside the room with a bit of surprise.

"Well yeah; why wouldn't there be?"

"I thought…you know, we'd get a crappy little one bedroom place again since you're such a cheap-ass, and I'd be back on the couch like always."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." When the Jashinist didn't respond to this jab, Kakuzu frowned and moved closer to the teen. "What's wrong? You're fine with having your own room at Sasori's apartment."

"Yeah, but that's temporary. This is…fuck, I'd have my own room."

"I'm still not understanding."

"I've never had a room all to myself. Not even when I was living with my mom." Kakuzu's brow went up at this; this was the first time he'd ever heard anything about Hidan's parents. "We had this shithole of a place that was as big as a closet, and everything we had was crammed in super tight. We even had to share a Jashin-damned closet. But…"

-m-

_"Hidan?"_

"Mm…"

"Hidan, sweetie, wake up."

The silver-haired boy slowly blinked his eyes open to see a woman with silvery blonde hair a shade off from Hidan's and grey eyes standing over him. "Mama?"

The woman bent down in front of the futon her son slept on and nodded. There were bags under her eyes, and she smelled like booze and cigarettes and sweat, among other things. "I didn't mean to be gone so long, sweetie. But I wanted to be here bright and early for your first day of school!"

"Oh." Hidan sleepily remembered that that was today. He'd packed his backpack and lunch the night before, and borrowed his mom's old alarm clock so that he'd have something to wake him up. It was set to go off in a few minutes, actually. Hidan shut it off, not missing the look of hurt on his mom's face. He guessed it was somewhat justified; the woman had never missed an important day for Hidan, but at the same time, she'd been gone for two days.

"Come on, let's get you dressed. I got some new clothes for you…oh, I must have left them in the kitchen…" Muttering to herself about being forgetful, the blonde wandered into the kitchen, knocking aside empty beer bottles as she went. Hidan got up and made his sleeping area up as best he could, before following after his mom.

The boy didn't get very far; she was already halfway back into the living room, holding out a clean t-shirt and jeans for him. "They're a tiny bit big, but big is better than small, right?"

Hidan took the clothes and looked them over, surprised to discover that "new clothes" actually meant brand new. Everything in his wardrobe was secondhand, either picked up from a Salvation Army or a yard sale. These clothes looked like they'd never been worn, and still had the price tags attached. "Thanks, mama."

The woman beamed as her son got dressed, then gently smoothed his hair down. "Don't want you looking like you have bed head on your first day of elementary school, do we?"

Hidan shook his head, although he wasn't sure how he felt about having his hair slicked back like this. And besides, wasn't there some code that said boys were allowed to hate whatever hairstyle their mothers forced upon them? "Now I checked the fridge and it's empty, so how about we grab a bite to go at that burger place down the road? They have great biscuits and sausage!" Smiling at this, Hidan took his mother's hand and allowed her to lead them out of the apartment, but not before grabbing his book bag and lunch from the fridge.

-m-

"_But she tried. At least, sometimes,_" Hidan thought to himself.

"Hidan?"

"So you're serious? I can have this room?" The Jashinist sounded like he was trying very hard not to cry.

"There you two are!" Sasori called out, walking up behind the duo. "Sorry, just wanted to tidy up the bathroom a bit; there were a few, ahem, things in there that you most definitely didn't want to discover…am I interrupting something?"

"No, it's fine," Kakuzu quickly assured his friend, not wanting Hidan to have to deal with Sasori right now. "Hidan and I were just talking; we'd like to move in."

Sasori grinned at his friend's words. "I told you that you'd like this place, didn't I? Oh, Kakuzu, a man of such little faith-"

"Yes yes, I never should have doubted the infinite wisdom of my stoner artist friend. How soon can we move in?"

"A few days, once we get the paperwork sorted out. Worst case scenario, the end of next week. Sound good?" Kakuzu nodded, and soon Sasori was leading both Hidan and him back out of the apartment. Hidan appeared to recover once they left the bedroom; whatever had gotten to him back there had passed, at least for the most part. There was still a bit of melancholy in his eyes, but no imminent dangers or tears or crying.

Once they were in the hall, Kakuzu motioned for Hidan to slow down, and soon the two of them were a fair distance behind Sasori. If the redhead noticed the gap, he chose to ignore it and give his friends a bit of privacy. "We'll go looking for some bedding and furniture for you tomorrow; cheap stuff, mind you, but good quality. The rooms may be mostly furnished, but we'll still need to get a few things for you."

"I can pay for most of it," Hidan asserted. "So don't worry."

"Forget it, kid. I'm not draining your savings for a quilt and lamp."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, in that case…" Kakuzu felt something knot in his stomach when Hidan grinned a most mischievous grin. "I need a lamp and a bookcase, and a desk, and not some cheap piece of shit that's been chewed up by a bunch of Jashin-damned termites. And some more books to go on that bookcase would be great, and then…"

As Hidan rambled on with his demands, Kakuzu felt a wave of relief that Hidan was back to his devious former self. Seeing Hidan so upset in the bedroom had struck a nerve for the miser; he'd guessed that the zealot had a pretty good reason for not speaking about his past, but hadn't realized that recalling those memories would be so painful for Hidan. In a way, it made sense; Hidan hadn't avoided discussing his past out of some childish whim to keep that part of himself from the banker, but rather because it wasn't something he'd be easily able to recollect.

Still, he'd told the miser something. He'd lived in a small place, he'd been with his mom, and there had been no mention of a father. It wasn't much, but it was a start. And if Hidan revealed himself little by little, then Kakuzu could wait as long as it took to get the full story.


	16. Chapter 15

A few days after they'd finalized the paperwork to move into the new apartment, Kakuzu took a personal day and went shopping with Hidan for everything the little zealot would need in their new home. It was a long trip through an IKEA that consisted mostly of Hidan lounging on the displays and demanding every little thing for his room, finally ending when Hidan made a comment that if Kakuzu was willing to spend so much on him, maybe it'd be better for the Jashinist to make Kakuzu his sugar daddy instead of boyfriend. Kakuzu, to his credit, resisted smacking the zealot until they'd loaded the new purchases into the back of Sasori's truck. "OW!"

"You had that coming," Kakuzu reprimanded. "All right Sasori, we're good to go."

Kakuzu and Hidan climbed into the front of the truck cab, with Hidan sitting between the banker and the artist. "Man, why do I have to sit in the bitch seat?" Hidan grumbled as Sasori started the engine.

"Because Kakuzu takes up a lot of room and neither of you can drive a stick as well as I can," Sasori explained as he backed out of the parking space. "Come to think of it, Hidan, you probably can't drive a stick shift at all, can you?"

"Why do you have a truck?" Hidan went on. "And why the hell didn't you lend it to us when we moved in with you?! You even said that you didn't have a car, when we first came over!"

Sasori shrugged, focusing on getting out of the parking lot without running into any fenders or pedestrians. "I didn't then, but after you two mentioned problems with moving furniture, it seemed like a prudent investment. And to answer your other questions, I went through a rustic phase around the week I was shopping for a vehicle, and this truck hasn't given me too much trouble since, so I kept it. As for your actual move-in day…I'd lent her out on an, ahem, adult photo shoot that day."

"Sasori, please tell me you had the seats cleaned," Kakuzu asked, blanching as Hidan turned a lovely shade of green.

"Completely reupholstered," the redhead assured his friends as they pulled out onto the main road. "And out of my own pocket too."

Hidan didn't look very convinced. "You know, dumbass, we wouldn't have to worry about that if you'd just-"

"No."

Sasori rolled his eyes at the miser. "Don't bother, Hidan. Mr. Cheapskate here will never shell out for a car if he can hitch a ride from someone else. He's miserly and has no sense of adventure."

"You offered us unlimited use of the truck while you're out of town this coming week. Or whenever else you go out of town, which is all the time now that 'art season' or whatever has started up again," Kakuzu justified. "There's no point in paying for an extra of something we'll essentially have all the time."

Sighing and shaking his head, Sasori cast his friend a woeful glance. "I stand by my original statement. And I still say we should've brought Fritters along; how are we to know for sure that the furniture and the bird will match?!"

"Sasori, that was a terrible idea when you asked this morning, it was a terrible idea when you asked after lunch, and it was a terrible idea when you gave Hidan twenty bucks to suggest it to me."

"Kakuzu! I am shocked and appalled that you would accuse me of bribing someone I consider an innocent minor and dear friend!"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, maybe not that shocked, but a bit offended all the same." Seeing that his protests of innocence were getting him nowhere, Sasori chose to change the subject as they came to a stop at a traffic light. "So, Hidan. Any luck with that friend of yours?"

"Oh yeah. We talked it out and cleared some shit up."

"Really," Kakuzu cut in, giving his young ward a look of disbelief. "When did that happen? Sometime between you screening his texts and pretending you had a doctor's appointment during your classes together?"

"Fuck off, this shit's complicated," Hidan snapped. "I don't have a good battle plan right now, so I'm making a strategic retreat."

"You know, back when Kakuzu and I were in college, we called that being a little bitch with a penchant for cowardice," Sasori cut in.

"You know who launched a plan of attack when he wasn't fucking prepared? Napoleon. You know what happened to that fucker? He and all his asshole troops got stranded in the middle of fucking Russia during the fucking winter, and by the time the dumbass figured out that it might be a good idea to GTFO, the troops were half starved and had to eat their fucking horses! And then they got back to the not icy wasteland part of Europe and thawed their asses out just in time to be beat down by the rest of fucking Europe, and Napoleon ended up on a fucking desert island and died of stomach cancer! That's what's gonna fucking happen to me if I try to talk to Deidara right now!"

"I was unaware that Deidara was well-armed," Kakuzu noted.

"Or that Hidan was French," Sasori added.

"Up yours with a trumpet!" Hidan screamed and yanked at his hair in frustration.

"Hidan, as the person who's been on the messy end of a relationship before, let me give you some advice," Sasori offered. "Just go to some place that's neutral for you two, like the mall, and sit down and talk this out like adults. Or two teenagers that like to believe they're way more grown up than all their peers."

"Asshole," Hidan grumbled. "Fine. If it'll get you two off my ass, I'll talk to him after we move in."

"Oh honey, I wouldn't touch your ass until you're-"

"**Sasori.**"

"Just clarifying," the artist stated with a not quite innocent look.

-several hours and much heavy lifting later-

Hidan sat on the edge of his bed, phone clutched between two hands in his lap. He'd pulled up Deidara's number once, decided a text would be better, got halfway through the text before accidentally deleting it, rewriting the message only to decide a phone call would be best, and then left to use the bathroom because all this stress was murder on his bladder. Now he was back, determined to actually make the call this time (mostly because Kakuzu had given him an expectant glare when he passed through the kitchen on his way back to his bedroom). Taking a deep breath, Hidan quickly pressed the call button and held the phone to his ear. "Easy Hidan. You can do this. Just tell-"

"Hello, un?"

"Hey, Deidara," Hidan greeted, wishing desperately that his voice would sound less nervous than it did. "Listen, are you free this afternoon?"

"Maybe, un. Why?"

Yikes, that was an angry tone. Well, the Jashinist had been avoiding his friend like the plague for quite a while now… "Can you meet me at the mall in an hour? So we can talk everything out?"

"I guess, un. And lighten up, Hidan; I'm not gonna kill you. Yeesh, you're not even swearing; did I spook you that much, un?"

"Fuckity fuck fuck, blondie. Better?"

"Slightly. All right, I'll be there, un."

"Bye then."

"Bye."

Hidan let out a relieved sigh and fell backwards onto the bed. Deidara seemed to want to be civil with him; that was a good sign, right? But now the zealot had to deal with the issue of what he was actually going to say to Deidara. Probably start out with an apology for being so dodgy, at least…

A knock at the door interrupted the planning, and opened to reveal Kakuzu. "Finally called him?" the miser asked.

Hidan rolled his eyes; yeah, like Kakuzu hadn't been standing outside the door and eavesdropping for the whole phone call. "Yeah dumbass, I called. He didn't sound like he hated me, so I guess that's good. Hey, can you give me a lift to the mall? Taking the bus would be a pain in the ass this late, and Sasori left the tuck here, so…"

"Sure thing. Need me to wait outside if things get ugly?"

"Asshole. I'll be fine. But thanks."

-m-

Hidan got to the mall a little early and texted Deidara to meet him in the food court. In the meantime, the Jashinist got a soda and fries at one of the vendors, believing that this discussion would go better if he had something to eat or drink if Deidara asked him a difficult question and he needed time to think up a good answer.

Shortly Hidan saw Deidara approaching from the other side of the food court, and waved his friend over to the table. Deidara waved back before taking a side trip to a nearby vendor, where he bought a slurpie. Seems like the blond had the same idea as he did.

Deidara eventually meandered his way over to Hidan's table, pulling out a chair and sitting opposite his friend. "Hey, un."

"Hey Deidara. Look, this is gonna be awkward as hell any way we do it, so I'll go ahead and say sorry for acting like a total jackass to you."

"Go on, un."

"Look, it just freaked me out that you were trying to make a move on me! Not that I have anything against you personally," Hidan quickly corrected, seeing the look the blond was giving him, "I just didn't expect it! For Jashin's sake, Kakuzu and Sasori had to fucking spell it out to me!"

"…Seriously?"

"…Yeah."

Deidara snorted and took a big gulp of his drink, shaking his head at the zealot. "That's pretty sad, Hidan. You're sure Kakuzu's the dumbass? And who's Sasori?"

"Yes I am, and he's not important. Look, I'm trying to say that you liking me like that came outta fucking left field!" Hidan growled and angry tore a fry in half with his teeth, taking his frustration on the poor deep-fried potato. "I just didn't want to do something stupid and lose the first friend I've had in forever, ok?"

"I get that, un," Deidara grumbled. "But you need to understand, nothing we do is going to result in us hating each other, Hidan! I still want us to be friends, un. This would just involve a little making out, maybe going on dates, plus what we already do. Get it, un?"

"I dunno…"

Deidara sighed and leaned back in his seat. "So what do we do, un?"

Hidan picked up his food and began walking towards the garbage can, motioning for Deidara to do the same. "I thought about it, and had this idea. Hear me out before you shoot it down, ok? Dumbass already told me he thought it was fucking stupid, so I don't need to hear that again."

"What is it?" Deidara asked as the two threw away the remains of their snacks.

"Let's just go on a practice date, here at the mall. We'll try all that shitty boyfriend material out, and if it's really awkward or strange we'll call it off and go play DDR at the arcade or something. Sound good?"

"So basically you're asking me on a date to decide if you want to ask me on a date, un."

"Well if you say it like that it just sounds fucking stupid."

Deidara chuckled and shook his head. "I can kinda see where Kakuzu was coming from, saying the plan was stupid. But why not, un? We're here, we already ate, so let's just go with it." And with that, Deidara slipped his hand into Hidan's and led the Jashinist deeper into the depths of the mall.

-three hours later-

While Hidan had turned down the miser's offer to play getaway car outside the mall, the zealot had agreed to have Kakuzu pick him up at the mall later that evening. Kakuzu hadn't received any sort of desperate calls indicating that Hidan was in any sort of trouble, and hoped that the zealot's date had gone all right.

Well, that might not be an accurate portrayal of how Kakuzu felt about Hidan finally confronting Deidara. On one hand, the miser knew that Hidan couldn't simply avoid this problem, and that the zealot needed to give other people a chance. Still…

Kakuzu sighed and drummed his fingers on the truck's steering wheel. Still, he couldn't be entirely impartial to this, since he may or may not have feelings for Hidan that were decidedly unethical and most certainly illegal, if they did in fact exist. Letting Hidan date other people would be odd, for a number of reasons. What was Kakuzu supposed to do if he came home and found Hidan and someone else making out on the couch, or heard loud noises coming from the zealot's room? Actually, forget that, Kakuzu was going to lay down some very strict rules about PDA needing to be out of sight and hearing range. But what was he supposed to do if Hidan and Deidara (or any future boyfriend, for that matter) had a fight or broke up, and the zealot needed Kakuzu to give him comfort or advice?

Kakuzu actually rolled his eyes at that. Yeah, like he was in any position to be giving Hidan advice on relationships. Since their sudden eviction and apartment hunting, Kakuzu had only managed to have a couple more blind dates, and neither had gone any better than the first one. At this rate, Kakuzu was going to have to find a better alternative to acquiring a date, and would probably have to turn to Sasori for help once again. All of this needed to happen before Hidan had a messy breakup, because if Kakuzu was ever in a position to be Hidan's rebound, he might not be able to resist-

"NO! Bad brain, bad!" Kakuzu scolded, mentally smacking himself for even thinking that way. Saying that he was willing to be Hidan's rebound was almost as bad as saying he hoped that the Jashinist would have a messy breakup so the banker could be his rebound. And that was entirely inappropriate for a man of his age and standing.

The miser was pulled out of his thoughts by Hidan knocking on the passenger door. Kakuzu unlocked the door and started the engine as Hidan climbed in and buckled up. "How'd it go?"

Hidan shrugged fiddled with the air vents in front of him. "We talked it out."

"And?"

"We're going to try dating. See how it goes 'n shit."

"Ah." Kakuzu had exited the parking lot and pulled onto the main road by now. "So, I guess you and I need to talk about apartment ground rules-"

"Later. I swear to Jashin, if I have to talk about any shit for the rest of the day, I'm gonna fucking murder something. Or someone."

"Fine." Kakuzu was pleased to find that he felt relief at the outcome. Truly, he wanted Hidan to be happy and have a normal life, and that included the teen having a normal relationship. From the sounds of it, even though it had begun with a pretty rough start, the Jashinist was well on his way to having one with Deidara. All in all, it was a good thing.

Now if only Kakuzu could find a date for himself.


	17. Chapter 16

Roughly a week after Hidan and Deidara got together, things were going rather well for the two teenagers. Kakuzu had walked into the apartment twice and stopped their making out, but other than that things had gone rather smoothly for the Jashinist. He genuinely seemed happy to be dating someone his own age, just like the miser thought he would. Kakuzu, on the other hand, was still having problems with his own love life.

After yet another failed blind date, Kakuzu had taken the bus to Sasori's neighborhood with the intent of popping in on his friend and drowning his sorrows in a few drinks. The redhead wasn't good for much, but you couldn't ask for a better drinking buddy when times were hard and alcohol was needed. Kakuzu knocked on the door to Sasori's apartment and, when he didn't receive an answer for a few minutes, let himself in with the spare key Sasori had given to him several weeks ago and walked in on a most strange sight.

The entire apartment was covered in black draperies, including the windows. The room was illuminated by dozens of candles scattered about haphazardly and burning low, and Gregorian chants were playing on the stereo in the background. Kakuzu walked deeper into the apartment, thoroughly confused by this point, and found Sasori sprawled face down on the couch, looking very much like a murder victim. The redhead slowly turned his head to the side and looked to his friend, expressionless. "Ah, Kakuzu. You're just in time."

"Time for what? Please tell me you're not trying some performance art piece."

"This is a wake, Kakuzu. A wake to commemorate the death of my muse."

The banker groaned and began massaging his temples, already feeling a massive headache coming on. "Oh Kami."

"She's not just gone, dear friend, she's completely and utterly dead! My paints look wrong, my clays feel strange, and let's not even talk about my wood carvings." Groaning, Sasori rolled over on his back and stared up at the ceiling, a single hand pressed dramatically against his forehead. "My art is dead to me. And without art, my life has no meaning. Kakuzu, could you please fetch one of the steak knives from the kitchen? I've been meaning to stab myself in the heart for several hours now, but I couldn't work up the will to move."

Rolling his eyes and once again regretting not rooming with that architecture student in college when he had the chance, Kakuzu walked over to the couch and lifted his friend into a sitting position. "Come on Sasori. Let's go out and find you some new inspiration."

"But I don't want new inspiration," the artist whined as he was hauled to his feet and shoved towards the apartment door. "I want to lie on the couch and wither away from my misery and die, and then one of my former lovers will stumble across my corpse in a few days and fall to his knees and start weeping uncontrollably, and-"

"All right drama queen, we're going now," Kakuzu interjected as he hefted the Akasuna over his shoulder, snagged the truck keys from the counter, and carried the man out of the apartment. This was going to be a long afternoon.

-meanwhile, across town-

Hidan and Deidara were settling into their seats at the movie theater. Deidara had chosen the picture when they arrived: a rather artsy flick that didn't really appeal all that much to Hidan, but he was willing to give it a chance. There weren't too many people in the theater yet, so the pair of teens quickly found a couple seats towards the top and settled in for the film.

Hidan took some initiative and wrapped an arm around Deidara's shoulder; people did that on dates, right? In response, Deidara leaned his head on Hidan's shoulder and offered the zealot some popcorn from the bag they were splitting. "Thanks for coming to see this with me, un. I know it's probably not something you'd normally be into."

"It's fine," Hidan replied with a shrug, accidentally making Deidara's hair brush against his cheek, "It might not be a total piece of shit."

"Hidan!"

"You know what I mean!"

The theater lights began to dim, and Hidan realized that this was probably as crowded as the theater was going to get. There were maybe a dozen people scattered throughout the room; then again, the movie had been out for weeks now, so most of the people wanting to see it had probably already gone to an earlier showing.

As the previews began to play, Hidan took a chance and slid his hand lower to rest on Deidara's waist. Well, kind of rest there. The Jashinist actually let his hand hover slightly over the area for several moments before Deidara noticed his hesitance and took pity on the poor Jashinist. "Hidan, it's just my waist. You can put your hand there."

"Oh. Ok." And feeling rather embarrassed, Hidan curled his hand around the blond's slim waist and settled back into his seat, hoping the poor lighting of the theater would prevent Deidara from seeing how red his face had turned.

"Aww, you're blushing," Deidara teased in a soft whisper.

"Yeah, well you're blond!" Deidara merely rolled his eyes at that and returned his focus to the movie screen.

Several hours later the two exited the theater, with Deidara rather happy about the movie and Hidan somewhat confused. "I don't get it. What the fuck was that car scene supposed to be?"

"It's a metaphor for her journey, un," Deidara explained.

"She just finished the journey, so why the hell would they put that scene at the end of the Jashin-damned movie?"

"Oh, you just don't get the artistic message."

"Deidara, I know what a metaphor is. I see them in Jashin-damned books all the time. That wasn't a metaphor, that was a shitty commercial that got shoe-horned in by some editor at the last minute to help pay for the damn movie."

Before the argument could continue, Hidan's phone beeped from receiving a text. A quick investigation revealed that Kakuzu had arrived to pick the two up. Surprised by the miser's sudden arrival when a pickup hadn't been scheduled at all, Hidan led his date outside the theater and into the parking lot, where Kakuzu was waiting in Sasori's pickup truck. "Dumbass, what the hell are you doing out here?" Hidan asked as Kakuzu rolled down his window. "And why do you have Sasori's truck? Where the hell is he, anyway?"

"I was on this side of town anyway, so I figured I'd offer you a lift whenever you got out of the movie," Kakuzu replied. "And don't worry about Sasori."

"Why the hell are you out here?"

"Because friendship," Kakuzu grumbled as he walked around to the side of the truck and peered into the truck bed. "Sasori, do you want to see a movie?"

"No," the ginger snapped. Hidan and Deidara peered into the back to see Sasori lying face-down in the truck bed. "Can I sit in the front?"

"Car seats are for people who have the will to live, Sasori," Kakuzu countered. The banker noticed that the two teenagers were giving him increasingly surprised looks, and shook his head at them. "Don't mind the drama queen, he goes through this every year. I ought to just save myself the trouble next year and mark it on my calendar…"

"Goes through what?" Hidan asked as he and Deidara climbed into the back seat,.

"An artistic crisis," Kakuzu explained as he climbed back into the front, started the engine, and began driving out of the parking lot. "Every year he becomes convinced that he's run out of ideas for art, and every year I have to drag him out of his funk (and his apartment) to find him new inspiration."

Hidan raised a brow at the banker, and then slowly turned his head towards Deidara. "Promise me you won't pull that Jashin-damned shit." Deidara was quick to nod in agreement.

"It can take days," Kakuzu went on. "I remember one year I had to wander around town for weeks, and then he randomly got inspired by a bag of potato chips. That was an interesting year in the art world…"

"Hey dumbass, can I go over to Deidara's for a while?" Hidan asked. "You know, since you two fuckers are gonna be soul searching or whatever all day."

"Sure thing," Kakuzu agreed. Past experience had taught him that the fewer distractions Sasori had, the quicker he would find something to break him out of his depressed state.

The rest of the car ride was pretty peaceful; Kakuzu kept his eyes on the road, Hidan and Deidara held hands and snuck a few kisses, and Sasori bumped along in the back of the truck. Hidan was able to give Kakuzu adequate directions to the blond's house, and soon enough Kakuzu had pulled into Deidara's driveway. "Here we are kids."

"Thanks dumbass," Hidan stated as he and Deidara exited the truck. "Hope you and fire crotch here don't have to stay out too long."

"Good luck with your hunt, un," Deidara added, leaning over the side of the truck to say goodbye to Sasori as well.

Kakuzu, being the responsible adult that he was, waited beside the truck until the two teens were safely inside the house with the door shut behind them. He tried not to think about what they were doing, but as long as it was done on Deidara's furniture and not his own- "URK!"

Kakuzu's hands shot up to his neck, which was currently being choked by a familiar pale arm. "Kakuzu, who is that blond?!" Sasori demanded, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was strangling his best friend.

"Sasori…off…" the miser wheezed, frantically pulling at the arm encircling his throat. The Akasuna finally seemed to notice what he was doing and released the miser, who coughed several times and massaged his poor throat. "Damn it Sasori! I could have died that time!"

"Oh, stop being such a drama queen!" Sasori snapped. Kakuzu was tempted to make a comment about the pot calling the kettle black, but realized that Sasori probably wouldn't notice or care in this frantic state. "Now who is that boy?!"

"That's Deidara. Hidan's boyfriend, remember?"

"You've been hiding that gem from me, all this time?! And here I thought we were friends."

"Well I didn't think you needed to meet-oh no. No no no **no**. Sasori, he is all of sixteen years old."

"I don't want to make out with him!" the redhead snapped. "Unlike some people around here, I have moral scruples."

"Moral scruples my ass-"

"I just want to paint him! Or model him. Maybe write an interpretive dance about that treetop ponytail of his. Oh Kakuzu, he is perfect! Muse, thy name is Deidara!"

"You know, I legitimately thought you couldn't top the potato chip incident. This moment has proven me oh so wrong. It's easily ten times worse, maybe even twelve."

"Listen to me," Sasori snapped, grabbing Kakuzu by the collar and putting their faces dangerously close together. "I need that blond in my studio, or there will be hell to pay. You get him to model for me, and I will personally hand select the next person you go on a date with. I know you better than you know yourself; I will find you a good match. But first, I need Deidara."

"You are one annoying son of a bitch, you know that?"

"Yes, I take great pride in that fact. Do we have a deal?"

Kakuzu sighed, realizing that he was just digging himself deeper into a hole by agreeing to this. But hey, maybe he'd get lucky and keep digging so far that he'd eventually hit China and be far away from demented best friends and sexy teenagers that tried to molest you in your sleep. "Deal."


	18. Chapter 17

Desperation is not a pretty sight in any one, regardless of age, gender, or personal moral code. Normally, Kakuzu did not consider himself to be a desperate man. He was good at planning events and major life decisions months or years in advance, so few things had a chance to sneak up on him. Finances were well-managed, that went without saying, so he'd never been desperate for money. He had friends (well, technically Tsunade was his boss and Sasori was a flaky college roommate that proclaimed himself to be Kakuzu's best friend, regardless of what the miser thought about him), but he'd never felt extreme loneliness.

Furthermore, he was a man of principles. He'd never stolen or gambled a day in his life, and with a few exceptions that typically followed a rough day at work, he never drank to the point of being shitfaced. He held doors open for little old ladies on their shopping trips, he only screwed over customers who were going out of their way to be asses, and he always gave money to those annoying bell ringers at Christmastime.

Above all, Kakuzu was a simple man. He bought few things outside of basic necessities, he only had one email address and one phone number, all of his billing services were streamlined, and he only owned enough outfits to get him through the week. Yes, for most of his life Kakuzu had enjoyed a relatively simple, principled life that was spurred on by sheer determination and good judgment, not desperation.

Or at least he had, until Hidan was thrown into the mix.

Scrambling to find an apartment, piling up lies to both his bosses about how he knew Hidan, fibbing to Hidan's school so the kid would stay enrolled, shelling out for the clothes and books Hidan wanted, all of which was topped off by an unhealthy attraction he had to the younger male. Why did his life have to spiral out of control because of one little teenager?

Kakuzu sighed and flopped backwards onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling as the sun set outside. It was painfully obvious that he would never get his old life back, so he needed to just make peace with how things were going to be for the rest of his life. One way or another, Hidan was going to be in his life for quite some time. The best he could do would be to distract himself from the romantic aspects of their relationship, and get a boyfriend.

Unfortunately, that would involve selling out Hidan's innocent boyfriend, Deidara, to a redhead that was nothing short of the devil himself. Kakuzu was pretty sure that if there existed a list of the top ten things that would send you straight to hell, turning over a naive minor to the likes of Sasori was pretty high up on that list.

"Hey, Kakuzu?"

The banker turned in his seat to see Hidan standing in the bathroom door, dripping wet and wearing a very short towel around his waist. "I'm out of shampoo. Can I use yours?" Kakuzu nodded, prompting the Jashinist to return to the bathroom before he could notice the blush on Kakuzu's face.

Then again, pouncing on an innocent minor was probably at the very top of that list.

Kakuzu fished his phone out of his pocket, resigning himself to his fate as an executioner leading a lamb to slaughter. He quickly dialed Sasori's number, hoping to start and finish their conversation before Hidan finished his shower. "Yes?" Sasori answered.

"Sasori, it's me. I'll get you your muse."

"Of course you will, Kakuzu. You're too good a friend to just leave me to wallow in my angst!"

"But you have to behave. No pouncing on this one!"

"I'll be a saint among sinners."

"And I'm going to introduce him to you gently. You tend to be a bit overwhelming at first unless some precautions are taken."

"Fine, fine. Oh, but do it today!"

"Sasori-"

"No excuses! Invite him over for dinner; that's sounds like a reasonable excuse. Bring Hidan, in fact. I've got this vegetarian lasagna recipe I've been dying to try, and it'll be the perfect cover."

"You've done this before, haven't you?" Kakuzu deadpanned.

"Only once or twice, I promise. See you later!" And with that, Sasori hung up.

The call ended not a moment too soon. Kakuzu heard the water in the shower shut off a few seconds later, and not long after that Hidan exited the bathroom. "Who were you talking to, dumbass?"

"Sasori invited us over for dinner," Kakuzu lied, feeling rather sick at having to pull this kind of ruse on his friend. "He's making some kind of lasagna and wants us to be his guinea pigs."

"And you said yes?! What if he mixed in some weird shit like acid, or weed, or literal acid?!"

"Hidan, I can promise you that Sasori is too narcissistic to share any of his stash with anyone else," Kakuzu assured him. "Why don't you bring Deidara along? Sasori's usually better behaved the first time he meets someone."

"Like fuck he was behaving when he met me!"

"Compared to how he acted when we moved in, he was positively saint-like. Or you want to have another bubble bath incident?"

"…Fine. But if Deidara dumps me because of fire crotch, there will be hell to pay!"

-later that evening-

Not for the first time that night, and certainly not for the last time, Kakuzu felt a deep sense of regret in the pit of his stomach as the trio of him, Hidan, and Deidara approached Sasori's door. The miser knocked twice, halfway hoping that Sasori wouldn't hear and he could pretend that the artist was out, thereby allowing him to call off this debacle before it devolved into a full-blown catastrophe.

No such luck. Sasori opened the door a moment later and smiled at his guests, his innocent countenance completely masking the sinister intentions underneath. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't show up. Come in, come in. And who is this?" he asked, looking directly at Deidara.

"Sasori, you remember Deidara, don't you?" Kakuzu asked, trying to play along with the scheme as best as his conscious would allow.

"Oh yes, Hidan's boyfriend. Glad you could make it."

The trio was ushered into the apartment, and like Hidan before him Deidara needed a few minutes to marvel at the luxury of Sasori's apartment, though he was a bit bolder and actually ran up the stairs to the second floor. "Holy crap, you have a whole studio up here, un!"

"I needed the space for my projects," Sasori called out, clearly delighted by Deidara's interest in his work. "Here, let me show you around."

"I think we've lost them," Kakuzu remarked as the redhead disappeared up the stairs as well.

"Tch, whatever. More lasagna for me!" Hidan scuttled into the kitchen, and a moment later Kakuzu could hear the clatter of plates and silverware being moved around.

"Just don't-"

"AAAAAGH!"

"Burn yourself on the lasagna," Kakuzu finished with a roll of his eyes.

"Jashin damnit, that's hot! But so tasty…AAAAGH!"

"Oh for Kami's sake," the banker groaned as he followed the zealot into the kitchen, intent on saving the younger man from completely burning off the roof of his mouth.

-meanwhile-

Sasori watched with mild amusement as Deidara dashed around his studio, looking over his paints, wires, woodcarving tools, canvases, and other supplies. "Wow, this is amazing, un!"

"I make my living creating art pieces from a wide variety of clients," Sasori stated. "As such, I need a variety of supplies."

"Yeah, but your stuff is the best! Look, these brushes are top of the line, and you can't even buy this kind of wood in most stores, un! And…and…"

"?" Sasori approached the blond, wondering what had caused Deidara to suddenly stop blabbering. "Deidara?"

"Is that an original Sisley?" Deidara asked, pointing to one of the few framed paintings in the room.

"Yes. It's one of my favorite pieces," Sasori answered, clearly surprised by the blond's knowledge of art. "A cliff, an ocean, a horizon as he saw them over a hundred years ago. They're forever frozen in this moment; an eternal piece of art."

Deidara took a step closer to the painting. "I always loved Impressionism, un. The rough outlines, the multiple colors layered on top of one another…it acknowledges how fleeting the subject was. As soon as you brush the paint onto the canvas and look up again, the light's changed, the tide's come in, or the person is smiling because they've thought of something funny, un. The way a scene looks is brief and impossible to capture perfectly, even with a camera. But the attempt to compile all those fleeting moments together into one single image is beautiful in its own way." The blond sighed, his hand unconsciously reaching towards the picture. "I would give anything to be able to paint like that, un."

All this time Sasori had been silently admiring the blond, surprised to find such a deep creature wrapped up in the body of a hyperactive teenager. He took a step towards Deidara, who was still intently focused on the painting before him. "Deidara, would you like lessons from me?"

The blond spun around, surprised that Sasori had gotten so close. "You mean, painting lessons, un?"

"Or sculpting, or wood-carving. Anything you'd like."

"Why, un?"

The Akasuna shrugged. "I've never had a student. I've also never met someone as passionate about art as you. I'm in a bit of a slump right now; some of that enthusiasm would be good for me."

"I'd love to! But I can't pay you, un," the blond sheepishly admitted.

"Well, I actually need a model for a personal project I'm working on. If you could model for me, say, twice a week, I'll gladly call it even for lessons."

"You mean it, un?" Deidara asked hopefully.

"Sure."

"Thank you!" Deidara squealed, bouncing up and down in joy.

"Oi, are you two ever going to get your asses down here?!" Hidan shouted from the lower level.

"You might want to hurry, before Hidan eats everything," Kakuzu added.

"Fuck you, Kuzu!"

"You're the one who's going to have a huge ass from all that pasta."

"Die in a fire!"

Deidara rolled his eyes and headed for the steps. "Looks like I've got a boyfriend to reign in, un."

"And I'd like at least one piece of the lasagna," Sasori added, following after the blond. Soon the pair of them was downstairs, digging into hot gooey lasagna and laughing along with Kakuzu and Hidan. All in all, it was one of the nicer evenings the foursome had had in a long time.


	19. Chapter 18

"We are so gonna fail, un."

"Like fuck we are! If I fail this project, Kakuzu's gonna be all over my ass!"

"Hidan, it's one in the morning, we've finished one paragraph of a five-page paper and half a diorama for a project due in eight hours, and you've been reading that same page for the last ten minutes. I think we may be kind of screwed, un."

Hidan didn't want to admit it, but Deidara might have a point. Smarter students than they had finished this project days ago, but since the zealot and artist lacked not only forethought but also motivation to do their homework, their report for their history class had been continuously put off until Deidara checked their syllabus and realized that their project was supposed to be turned in the next day, or they'd receive a zero for ten percent of their overall grade.

Unfortunately for both Deidara and Hidan, Kakuzu's apartment was not terribly well-stocked with art supplies, so even if Hidan somehow managed to scrape together a decent paper (and that was looking less and less likely by the minute) they'd probably still lose points for having a crappy visual aid, which was worth half the credit for the project.

"Jashin damnit, can't we do anything to make this look a little less shitty?" Hidan asked, staring forlornly at what was supposed to be an epic battlefield but looked like painted q-tips glued to a washrag (which it was).

"Maybe if you could tell me exactly what I'm trying to craft here, un," Deidara retorted. "An artist can't make a good model if he doesn't have a good description of what the model is supposed to look like, un."

"Hell if I know. Who the hell came up with a shitty name like 'War of the Roses' anyway? Jashin damnit."

"Hidan, I really think we should probably call it quits, un. Just modify some paragraphs you find online, and I'll try to swipe some stuff from the art room tomorrow before school starts, un. We might be able to get a C at least, un."

"No way! I promised Kakuzu I wouldn't get in trouble, and if Iruka finds out that I stole my paper from the Internet-"

"All right, geez."

"How's the work going?" Kakuzu asked, entering the kitchen in his bathrobe and slippers.

"Shit Kakuzu, did we wake you up?"

"That would imply that I ever fell asleep. You two have been bickering the whole night, ever since you started this project."

"Sorry Kakuzu," Hidan sheepishly apologized. "This is just taking way longer than it should."

"I can see that," the miser remarked, giving the short paragraph and half-finished diorama a less than impressed look. "Deidara, is that really the best you could do for a diorama?"

"You people have nothing to work with, un! I have no idea how I'll be able to make the stream, and don't even get me started on trying to make a decent model horse! They had horses in this war, right Hidan, un?"

"I think so. Can't find anything about tanks; but it might have been a bunch of naval battles…"

Kakuzu sighed and fished his cellphone off of the counter, where it had been charging. "That's it, I'm calling Sasori. You two can go over there to finish your work."

"Seriously?!" the teens gasped in unison.

"Yes, seriously. I need sleep, you need art supplies, and Sasori's probably still awake and watching horror movies right now." The teens gave him a confused look at this. "It's something he likes to do after a new bout of inspiration hits, don't question it."

-n-

Sasori nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone began buzzing. Curse these modern horror movies and their need to build up suspense! Pausing the movie and taking a few deep breaths, the redhead eventually answered his phone, grateful that his voice sounded much calmer than he felt. "Kakuzu, why exactly are you calling me at this hour?"

"I have a couple of slackers in my kitchen that need help with a school project." Several indistinct complaints were heard at this, followed by Kakuzu saying, "Pipe down, if you didn't want to be called slackers than you should've done your work earlier."

"I'm guessing you mean Hidan, but who's the other one?" Sasori was not in a very charitable mood right now, and despite the fact that he liked Hidan he wasn't quite sure if he was willing to open his doors to the boy at this late hour.

"Deidara."

Well then. Suddenly Sasori was feeling much more willing to help his friends. "Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place? Send them right over; I'll make some popcorn for the boys."

"You ought to be ashamed, you know."

"And you ought to know better than to send an innocent lamb into the lion's den. Tell them the door's open when they get here!" *click*

Kakuzu shook his head and pocketed his phone. "He's willing to help you two out. Be grateful."

"What was that bit about he should be ashamed, un?"

"Oh, nothing. I just owe him a favor now, and he'll probably make it something really unpleasant." Kakuzu almost felt bad, leaving these kids in Sasori's incapable hands. Then again, he had a very important business meeting in the morning, and if Deidara and Hidan had just done their work ahead of time, none of them would be in this predicament right now.

And so it came to pass that not even half an hour later, the boys had been dropped off in front of Sasori's apartment building with their supplies, waving goodbye to Kakuzu as the banker went home to finally get some sleep. Hoping that the building didn't have a security guard that would harass the boys on their way up, Deidara and Hidan began the trek towards Sasori's apartment. "So, how are the art lessons going?" Hidan asked.

"Pretty good, un. Sasori danna's not too patient-"

"Danna?"

"It's a term of respect, un."

"Never heard of it."

"I wonder why," Deidara replied with a smirk.

"Tch, whatever. So what the hell do you guys do, anyway?"

"Right now we're working on poses with a mannequin, un. Sasori danna wants me to get good at painting in two dimensions before I got back to creating things in a three-dimensional format."

Hidan nodded as the pair stepped into the elevator. "Sounds nice."

"Did you even understand half of what that means, un?"

"Not really," Hidan admitted as he pulled Deidara close to him. "Mostly it sounded like, 'I'm going to become a famous artist so my super sexy boyfriend can sit on his ass all day living in the lap of luxury."

"Confident, aren't you?" Deidara chuckled as he squeezed Hidan tightly.

"Fuck yeah," Hidan replied. "You're too hot and talented not to make it." Deidara grinned and began making out with Hidan, only stopping when they reached Sasori's floor. "C'mon Dei, let's finish this Jashin-damned report."

-n-

"Sasori, we're here," Hidan called out as he and Deidara stepped into the apartment, setting the completed bits of their project on the kitchen counter. The only lights that appeared to be on were the ones above the kitchen sink; the rest of the apartment was washed in total darkness.

"Sasori danna?"

Hidan and Deidara crept deeper into the apartment until they found a familiar redhead curled up on the couch in a dark living room, eyes wide and glued to the TV in front of him as stereotypical horror movie music played over the speakers. The two boys looked at each other, an unspoken agreement passing between the two. Deidara crept up from the left, Hidan from the right, sneaking ever closer to the couch. At last, within reach of the redhead, the two pounced and grabbed Sasori's shoulders, screaming "Booga booga!"

In years to come, Sasori would vehemently deny that he either screamed like a little girl at the attack, or launched himself off the couch and sent his popcorn flying everywhere. Hidan and Deidara immediately collapsed to the floor laughing, tears brimming in their eyes as both of them gasped for breath. "Holy shit, I wish we had a camera," Hidan gasped. "Kakuzu's gonna be sad he missed that."

"Geez Sasori, I didn't know you were so scared of horror movies, un," Deidara added as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

The TV suddenly shut off, plunging the room into silent darkness. "I wouldn't be so quick to laugh, boys," Sasori's voice growled from the shadows. "After all, you're the unsuspecting teenagers who walked into an old apartment late at night and didn't notice the door locking behind you. And you know what that means…"

"Deidara, you remember when I told you that Sasori was only a little eccentric?" Hidan whispered, pulling the blond close to him.

"Yeah, un?"

"I fucking lied."

"It means," Sasori continued, voice creeping closer with each word, "that now _you're_ the victims in this horror movie." A pale hand suddenly shot out and wrapped itself around Deidara's ankle, causing both boys to scream and flee towards the kitchen. "Get back here you little brats!" Sasori hissed as he chased after the pranksters.

Needless to say, it was quite some time before Hidan and Deidara got around to finishing their report.


End file.
